30 Days of Thanks - Day 30

Nov 30 - Day 30

On this 53^rd celebration of my birth I’m thankful for so much. This reflective journey I’ve been on for the past 30 days has lifted me up and made me aware of all the good on our earth.  While it can be a cold and cruel world at times, if you look deep enough you’ll find the warmth and love.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to wish me a happy birthday, it was an amazing day and I look forward to what my life and the years ahead of me have to offer.

I’m thankful to those people in my life who will always be there. I’m thankful to those in my life who will leave at some point for whatever reason lies ahead, I’m thankful to those who have already left and those who have yet to cross my path. I’m me because of you.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 29

Nov 29 - Day 29

I’m proud to say that a good deal of my patience, tolerance and acceptance of others is due to my mother’s influence.  Like most kids I really didn’t appreciate her when I was growing up. Not to say I didn’t love her it’s just that as a kid, she was just my mom. But as I became a wife and mother I realized how important her influence has been in my life.

When my husband was dying, she couldn’t come out here because of a medical issue she was going through at the time. I’ll never forget when I told her we were moving Al to hospice. We cried together over the phone as I let my feelings and fears out to her. I could actually feel her hug and the ache she felt from not being able to hold me from almost 500 miles away.

My mom is on a cruise ship right now somewhere in the Hawaiian Islands getting ready to embark back across the Pacific Ocean to her home in California. Those same waters I spent so much of my youth in as my parents, sisters and I sailed the waters in and around Long Beach, CA and Catalina Island. For whatever reason she has been on my mind today, perhaps because my birthday is tomorrow and it’s natural to think about the woman who gave birth to me and raised me. I’m incredibly thankful to have her as my mother and wish her a safe journey back home.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 28

Nov 28 - Day 28

Remember when times were simpler and you didn’t have a care in the world? If you’re like me it was when you were a child because the complications usually start for us in our teen years and only multiple from there.

Summer vacations in my family meant a two-week break and the whole family would load up the car and head to Clear Lake, CA to spend time with my grandpa who lived in a big old, rambling 3-story “cabin”. My sisters and I would spend our days walking down the dirt & gravel road to the little general store for candy, bottles of Squirt (real glass bottles) and post cards; jumping off the little pier , swimming out to the wooden, floating deck to sun ourselves; playing games and cards and exploring the countryside and feeding  the deer.  TV? Nah. Video games? Nah. Like I said, simpler times. I’m so thankful I know those times and wish today’s kids did. The days where you played outside all day, drank from hoses, listened to our parents, and grew up with a little more innocence.

I'm so grateful for the memories I have and the time I grew up in.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 27

Nov 27 – Day 27

I’ve got two great big, loving dogs – Raider, a 100 pound yellow Lab and Sylus, a 95 pound black Lab – that greet me each day. We got Raider a few months after our 13-year old Golden Retriever died. He was a papered AKC pup we purchased here in Tucson who, it turned out had a very severe case of hip dysplasia. Sylus was a pound pup by son and his then girlfriend picked up when they lived in Flagstaff and through their break-up a few years later, ended up in Marshall’s custody and finally in my home as my son was moving and finding his way.

Well, these boys are getting along in years – Ray is 10 and Sy…..well, I’d say 11 or so. Along with the obvious whitening of the facial hair and a general slowing down, comes a few other issues known for older dogs. Fatty tumors. Ray has one over each front leg joint and they’re starting to change the way he walks. Sy has been luckier and just has a small one. I can’t bear to think of the day when one or both are no longer here.

These boys are my constant companions and follow me throughout the house. They both sleep with me, my home is covered in dog hair, they (Sy actually, Raider is typically silent) bark out in the backyard too much in the mornings as coyotes start moving about and the neighborhood starts to wake up, and my life is so enriched because of them. I’m so thankful for these two and the happiness and love they exhibit every single day.  Even though they’re old…they cost me a lot of money in vet bills and prescriptions….they shed constantly….they smell and fart….they beg….they get in my way. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 26

Nov 26 – Day 26

 

Today I am thankful to be fairly proficient in the use of Google, Snopes, Urbanlegends and various internet sites. I wish more people were. I wrote my rant about all the crap, fake pictures and misinformation people post and then I hit that glorious delete button. So today’s a two-for because I’m thankful for the delete button too.

This is not a negative thanks aimed at anyone in particular. I’m just thankful I know how to do my research and that such sites exist.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 25

Nov 25 – Day 25

Kinda feels like we’ve been given the gift of an extra week since Thanksgiving fell early this year.  I don’t feel the mad rush (yet) that I often feel once Black Friday hits. I’ve accomplished quite a bit for me. I’ve started the homemade Christmas gifts I’ll be giving to friends/coworkers/neighbors, I’ve done a decent amount of Christmas gift shopping (still have a long way to go though), I’ve started looking for Christmas cards, I’ve decked the halls (indoor only….my son will be here during the week to help get the outdoor lights up) and already purchased the birthday gift for one granddaughter (two December birthdays for the girls). In my world, this is amazing and I qualify as a time genie/organizer extraordinaire.

Stepping outside the thankful thing for a sec to acknowledge a little bit of sadness today. While I haven’t “cried” in months (hallelujah, it’s only taken two and a half years to feel like I’m moving on and not dwelling on missing him), when I finished putting up all the indoor decorations I was hit by a sudden wave of sadness. Al really loved Christmas and decorating the house and the indoor lights & tree were ϋber special to him. And why in the hell I listen to country music at times like this is beyond me. Just a brief moment but like I said, I need to acknowledge it. For me.

So I’m thankful for this little gift of time, this extra week. I know it doesn’t really exist, but in my non-planning/last minute shopper head it does.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 24

Nov 24 - Day 24

Simple indulgences and simple pleasures can turn an ordinary day around and today was one of those days.  My daughter called and asked me to go get a pedicure with her while her husband watched their two children. I was in the middle of pulling out all my Christmas decorations and I had garland and lights strewn across the living room floor but a pedicure? Why not?! She called her sister who met us and we sat in the pedicure chairs with our feet soaking in blue water, laughing at the completely aggressive massage chairs and catching up with each other.

I’m thankful for things like pedicures, shopping, lunches and girl talk.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 23

Nov 23 – Day 23

Lining up in the dark cold with hundreds /thousands of other fools at 3 or 4AM, sipping coffee, laughing and sharing stories all to join the stampede when the doors open at 5AM for Black Friday. It’s really a lot of fun and if you are looking for a few specific things, it’s totally worthwhile.

But this year? Not so much. I feel that some of the major retailers took a lot of the fun and excitement out of Black Friday by either opening their doors and offering “Black Friday” deals on Thanksgiving evening or by releasing them early online. Just more proof that all our holidays are becoming more and more commercialized. Those poor Target and Wal-Mart employees that had to interrupt or completely forgo their family celebrations and report to work.

It just wasn’t working out for me to do the Black Friday shopping this year and then my daughter called me at 10:30pm and convinced me to hit our local Target with her. The entire parking lot was full and most of the door busters were gone but there were still a few deals to be found. And I’m guilty of snagging an online door buster on Thanksgiving for myself.

I’m thankful for the fun, excitement and deals of Black Friday and that I'm healthy enough and able to participate but wish it would go back to FRIDAY.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 22

Nov 22 – Day 22

Thanksgiving – the day where we truly pause and think about everything we are thankful for. I’m on this little 30 day mission to remind myself (and hopefully others) of the little things we need to be grateful for. So on this original day of thanks I offer you this.

I am thankful for my family. Without them, I am nothing.  For my parents and siblings who shaped me in my formative years, my grandparents and extended family for the part they played, every teacher and friend who pushed me along the path to adulthood.  For my coworkers, friends and acquaintances for the friendship, tolerance and teachings.

For my husband who I shared an amazing life with and a love I don’t think I’ll ever know again. For my husband’s family( which seems really silly to word that way because they are MY family) and the lifetime we’ve shared and the love that has been shown to me, for my two son-in- laws and daughter-in-law for making my children so happy and making their lives what they are today. For my granddaughters and grandson for the joy, laughter, love and silliness they bring to the world.

And finally, for my three children. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about each and every one of you. My world revolved around you for so long and I hope you know that my life would be nothing had it not been for you. Your love and friendship carries me through and I will always be here for you, no matter what. As we all move forward in our lives, I’m gonna make you smile, piss you off, make you worry, make you laugh but I’m gonna love you and you’re gonna love me. And isn’t that what we’re all about?  Thankful doesn’t even begin to describe it.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 21

Nov 21 – Day 21

I commute just about 18 miles each way to work which during rush hour takes about 40 minutes each way. Having grown up in the Los Angeles area I know this is nothing. And I really don’t mind the commute at all except when I stay in the area after work to do something and then it seems to take forever.

Some days I’m on remote control and get to a certain point in my drive and wonder how I got there but most days I’m fully aware and actually enjoying the drive. On those days I see so much. Amazing, breathtaking views of the various mountain ranges that surround me, public art that makes me smile, car vanity plates that I try to decipher, and people all around me in their cars, at bus stops, on bikes and walking on the street. I especially love to catch someone in my rearview mirror belting out a song with their windows up.  That’s when I have to laugh because I now know what I look like when doing the same and am thankful for dark tinted windows!

I’m actually thankful for my commute even though it would be a real gas saver to live closer to work. But then I’d miss so much!

30 Days of Thanks - Day 20

Nov 20 – Day 20

After work tonight I hit the grocery store to get a few last minute things for Thanksgiving dinner and you know what? I love grocery stores. Yes, yes I do. I get lost in them – not actually “lost” as in directionally but lost in the sense that I like to walk around and look at things, look at people and I usually end up forgetting that I was ever in a hurry.

Ever been in a grocery store in a different region of the country or in a completely different country? I love going to Mexican and Asian markets and checking out the meats and produce. We’ve got some great ones here in Tucson – Lee Lee’s Oriental Supermarket, Grantstone, Food City, El Super, 17^th Street Market.  I love going to the grocery store when we go to Puerto Peñasco too. I haven’t been lucky enough to travel to any foreign countries but Mexico; so my all-time favorite grocery store is in Playa del Carmen in the state of Quintana Roo, Mexico.  Amazing place full of fantastic things!

So while many of you absolutely hate your trips to the grocery store, I’m the one going from one side to the other and back again as I realize I forgot something and then get sidetracked by the organic produce while suddenly remembering that all the summer stuff is on sale in the center of the store. I’m thankful for grocery stores and that it takes very little to entertain me.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 19

Nov 19 – Day 19

My employer gives every single employee (all 3,300 or so) a certificate for a free turkey up to 20 lbs. I’m really thankful and think it’s a beautiful and meaningful gesture to show appreciation and thanks. We always order them out of my department and we make sure to order extras for the random employee who didn’t get one, who started working there after we pulled the HR list, temporary workers or travelers not on the HR list, etc. We wait a couple of weeks after the certificates and thank you letters are distributed and then any remaining turkey certificates are donated to a local charity like the Community Food Bank or the Salvation Army.

I took care of making that donation today on behalf of my employer. The main office for the Salvation Army is just a few miles from my hospital so I headed over there during my lunch this afternoon. The office was busy and a couple of employees were scurrying around. I noticed a grocery cart with a frozen turkey in it sitting by the desk. I can only assume someone had just dropped it off. It felt really good handing all those certificates over and knowing that they’ll be used to feed people who gather for a multitude of reasons. Some are down on their luck and can’t quite afford to feed their family, some are homeless, and some are lonely and without a family of their own.

I’m thankful not only for the gift my employer gives and the difference made by donating the remaining certificates but for the fact that organizations like the Salvation Army exist and open their doors and hearts to those in need.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 18

Nov 18 – Day 18

I’m thankful for the next day.  Lasagna is always better the next day as the flavors meld and intensify. Turkey is better the next day because we make turkey sandwiches. That awful situation typically seems better or manageable the next day. That fuzzy memory from the party the night before is often better the next day whether it means you remembered it better or forgot it completely thus never having to feel the embarrassment!

The next day holds so much promise. It’s a do-over, an instant mulligan. I like my tomorrows, my next days.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 17

Nov 17 – Day 17

 My mom has always been a big reader, reading a new book every couple of days. When I was a child, we went to the public library every two weeks. We’d walk out of there with a huge stack of books, mostly my mom’s. She was known for getting up at 2AM and reading for a good hour or two as well as in the evening while we all sat in the living room watching TV. She could ignore the noise from the TV as we sat together on the couch; she involved in the story unfolding on the pages, the rest of us completely engrossed in Hawaii Five-O (original TV series). She instilled the love of reading in me and I’m happy to say my son has that same love of reading.

There’s something to be said for a good story. It takes you away from your everyday life and transports you to a different time and place. 

I was thinking about a few items to put on a Christmas list for myself and a Kindle is one of them. That got me to thinking about whether or not I would miss the actual physical book but it’s not the paper and turning the pages that makes reading so enjoyable, it’s the different life I lead as I insert myself in to the story. I’m thankful for books and everything they bring us. Paper or e-book, it still does the job.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 16

Nov 16 – Day 16

I’m thankful for the mistakes I’ve made in my life for they’ve taught me to think, react and live differently. But it’s hard to actually say they are mistakes because I’ve always considered them lessons. I have always said I regret nothing in my life and it’s true. Every single thing I’ve done, thought and experienced has shaped and molded me to become the person I am today. And I am an ever-evolving being.

I will make many more “mistakes” in my life as long as I am a breathing, functioning person.  It’s a forgiving world we live in because we’re really all the same deep down and make those mistakes every second of every day.

“The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding and love.” – Jennifer Edwards

30 Days of Thanks - Day 15

Nov 15 – Day 15

My formative years occurred in the 70s and like any teenager, music played a huge part in my life. That carefree life my friends and I lived brings back some great memories as well as a few, well, smoke-hazed ones as well. Hey, it was the 70s!

My first concert was to see KISS in 1975 and while I wasn’t the biggest fan of the group, it sure gave me the concert bug.  We saw Van Halen before they were big at a club in Hollywood, Lynyrd Skynyrd at a stadium event just before that awful plane crash, Aerosmith in their heyday, Alice Cooper in all his black-eyed fun, Led Zeppelin and many, many more.

My tastes have changed over the years but I still love rock. I’m thankful for those early formative music years and the availability/affordability of the concert venue back then. What a blast!

30 Days of Thanks - Day 14

Nov 14 - Day 14

You are doing it RIGHT now. You do it all day long, there is no avoiding it. Reading. It’s in your face constantly…a street sign, your mail, a saying on someone’s t-shirt as they walk by, a recipe, product directions, an alert or warning scrolling across the bottom of your television screen.

I went to a Literacy Connects luncheon today that was organized by Literacy Volunteers of Tucson. A room of 500 people and I’m willing to bet the majority of us in the room take the ability to read and write for granted. It never crosses my mind at all. Until today when a brave man about 50 years old got up to address the room. He struggled horribly as a kid and didn’t get help from his mom (later learned she was illiterate as well). The system failed him and he was passed on from grade to grade finally becoming so frustrated that he dropped out of high school. He worked odd jobs and somehow made his way to a decent job but was laid off after almost a decade of working there. And then he couldn’t get a job again. Everyone required a GED and this man couldn’t even read or write. After years of shame he found this organization and the compassion & help he so desperately needed. He can now read and write, is gainfully employed and sits on the board of directors for Literacy Volunteers of Tucson.

Can you even imagine? I am so thankful that I can read, write and comprehend.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 13

Nov 13 – Day 13

Met a friend for dinner and drinks at Ra last night. Good conversation, laughter and catching up. I haven’t quite tackled going out to eat on my own yet and I’ve been craving some good sushi so when she suggested our meeting location I was pleased.

When I was a kid in the late 60s and early 70s I used to go to dinner with my parents in Little Tokyo, a Japanese district in Los Angeles. There was a favorite restaurant we usually went to but on occasion we’d try something different. My dad (an adventurous soul) ate a variety of sushi and other “foreign” dishes at those places while my childish taste was geared more towards the tempura.

Japanese beer, nigiri, rolls, sashimi, tuna tataki with a healthy dose of wasabi. It’s a simple bit of gratitude today but sushi makes me happy and actually makes me think of those days in Little Tokyo  and I’m thankful for the delicious flavors and heartwarming memories. 

30 Days of Thanks - Day 12

Nov 12 – Day 12

I actually agonized over the decision to buy a new car so when some random guy pulled out of a parking lot lane at the Tucson Mall and right in to my car as I drove the interior road it was awful. I wasn’t hurt or anything and the damage to my car wasn’t so bad that I couldn’t drive it. But I’d been hit before and it turned out the person’s insurance information was invalid. The lady had defaulted and had been cancelled a couple of months prior to hitting me. Any attempts to reach her failed. So when the 911 operator told me that this recent accident was on private property and the police won’t come out and we should just exchange insurance information I was worried.

Luckily he had insurance and it was valid. He was an out of state driver with out of state insurance (Colorado) so it took a while for his insurance company to contact him and verify his actual place of residence but it all worked out. I’m dropping my car off at a body shop to get fixed today and will be in a rental for a few days all compliments of HIS insurance company.

Today I am thankful for insurance, valid insurance. And health insurance because I have to make my health insurance selections as my open enrollment period ends tonight at midnight!!

30 Days of Thanks - Day 11

Nov 11 – Day 11

It’s so easy to do and we’re all guilty. We forget about the sacrifices by millions of brave individuals that were made to give us the lives we lead.  I’m extremely grateful to live in this country. I know blood was spilled, lives were given and battles were fought to make sure the freedoms, rights and privileges we enjoy in our every day lives will always be there.

On this Veterans Day I am thankful for the men and women who serve our country.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 10

Nov 10 – Day 10

As the weather starts turning colder and gloomier it makes me think of the welcoming warmth that awaits me on the beach in Mexico.  I’m so glad I only live a three and a half hour drive from Puerto Penasco.

I always have the best time whether it’s with family, a couple of girlfriends or a larger group of friends & family. We always rent a place on the beach so all we have to do is open the sliding glass door and step in to the sand. I’ve enjoyed quiet reflective times, celebrations, bonding and a little bit of craziness – sometimes all in the same trip!

I’m thankful that I have friends and family that are still willing to make the trek and enjoy the sun, sand, warm water and people just a few miles south of the border. 

30 Days of Thanks - Day 9

Nov 9 – Day 9

I feel so lucky to have three amazing children in my life who have given me so many years of joy. There were plenty of ups and downs in raising three strong-willed and spirited individuals but I can’t even imagine a life without them. However this little note of appreciation and thanks is to my middle child, my daughter Alison on this day, her birthday.

I’m incredibly thankful for the relationship I have with her. We talk daily, when work isn’t crazy we have lunch together most of the time and share so many of the same opinions and preferences. She was a real challenge as a teen and so independent. She left our home on good terms at 18 to live on her own and never looked back. She is very successful in her job and heavily relied upon by others. 

Alison was once in a very serious car accident that resulted in her being wheel-chair bound for a few months and I’ll never forget arriving in the emergency room after hearing news of her accident and being approached by the hospital chaplain who wanted to bring me to a private room to talk to me. I thought I was about to experience every parent’s worst nightmare and I felt all the blood drain from my face and my body grow weak. My emotions quickly recovered as she explained that Alison, while her trauma was very serious and she was going in to surgery, she’d be OK. For that brief instant when I thought the worst, I thought our lives were forever changed and they actually were. We all realized how precious life is and that we need to make sure our loved ones know just how loved they are.

So on your birthday Alison, I want you to know how much I love you and how lucky I feel to have you in my life. I am truly thankful for YOU.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 8

Day 8 - Nov 8

Thankful may not be the right word and I struggle to find an appropriate one.

But because of the tragedy on January 8, 2011 my community was rocked to its core and I'm reminded of this today because the shooter was in Tucson for sentencing. However we as a people rallied and became stronger, kinder and more resilient than ever. We were not going to let the actions of one crazy individual become what Tucson represents. We stood together on street corners in solidarity, we layed flowers, candles, cards, medals and much more at the shooting site and hospital where the survivors were recovering. We cried, we hugged and we grieved. And then we started healing.

A beautiful thing was born out of this tragedy. People changed, foundations were formed, events were held, life moved forward with a new awareness and appreciation for each other. I wish that day had never happened but it did. And we’ve learned from it and become better human beings because of it. That’s the part I’m thankful for.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 7

Day 7 – Nov 7

I know it’s not representative of all Republicans, at least I hope it’s not, but after reading the posts from so many Romney supporters/Obama haters it sure becomes clear that there is probably a gentler, kinder party and an ugly, hateful party. Frankly, I’m a little shocked at some of the comments and remarks. 

I was personally worried and nervous my preferred candidate (Obama) wouldn’t win and we’d be under the leadership of Romney and his archaic agenda but I also know that if that had happened I wouldn’t  be making hateful, ridiculous and unfounded comments or racial slurs. Granted, I wouldn’t have congratulated anyone but I know in my heart that I would have found a way to look forward with a positive attitude and work towards a better America and the common good. Maybe it’s the state of the world today but it troubles me deeply that people can be so negative, hateful, disrespectful and bigoted. What a rude and uncaring world we live in.

I’m not a blind optimist and I know there is work to be done but I’m thankful to be able to move past the ugly attitudes and am prouder than ever to be part of a kinder, gentler nation. I’m thankful it’s a new day and that hope lives on.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 6

Day 6 - Nov 6

I’m so thankful to live in a nation where I have the freedom to vote and have my voice heard. (Yes, I know about the Electoral College) My forefathers and mothers gave me this right and I take it pretty seriously.

I was raised to understand that voting is not a privilege, it is a right. I can remember casting my first vote in a presidential election in 1978. I was almost 19, newly married and incredibly proud to vote for the very first time and having that first time be in a presidential election made it all the more special.

At the end of this day, the results will be in and the awful political ads will finally be put to rest. I’m hopeful that those who lived and breathed this election and put way too much energy in to hate and lies (this goes for people I know representing BOTH parties) focusing on little else will be able to get past it should their candidate lose. After all, both Obama and Romney want the best for our country and will work to further the American Dream one way or another.

I’m thankful I have the right to vote.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 5

Nov 5 – Day 5

For almost every day, Monday through Friday, for the past 15 years I’ve made my employment “home” at Tucson Medical Center. I have been fortunate enough to work with some truly wonderful people over the years with just a small sprinkling of not so great. But hey, what’s the sunshine without some rain, right? TMC is a community hospital, non-profit and here to improve the lives of my fellow citizens.

The physical face of this long-time institution is changing and the overall philosophies and leadership evolves with the ever changing times but the constant is the employees. People really care about one another and I’m thankful for that. 3,000 employees and a sense of community exists throughout. That doesn’t always happen with large companies or organizations but it lives at Tucson Medical Center. I’m thankful I am part of such a place.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 4

Nov 4 – Day 4

Tucson.  My hometown. I was born in Downey, California – raised in El Monte, California – lived in multiple cities (Monrovia, Paramount, South Gate and Downey – all Los Angeles suburbs) but consider Tucson, Arizona my hometown. I feel a deep connection to this gorgeous desert town that is so rich in history and culture.

A beautiful piece of that culture will be evident tonight at the All Souls Procession. The yearly parade that draws thousands takes place downtown where people fill the streets and walk the procession route to honor those in our lives that have passed. People in all their Dia de los Muertos finery and make up, some holding candles and mini alters, some playing musical instruments, some dancing, some with elaborate floats. An event for all ages where everyone is respectful and happy.  If you’ve never participated, you really should. You’ll be hooked. The sense of love, joy, respect and community is good for the soul. The procession is tonight and my family and I will be there. We’ll be the ones wearing Day of the Dead make up and carrying alters – we’ll be easy to spot. NOT.

I’m thankful for my Tucson and the beauty in this community.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 3

Nov 3 – Day 3

A few years ago I was asked by a friend to join her networking group and I managed to dodge her requests. A networking group? Ugh, that’s just not me.  I finally relented when she asked me to attend an evening membership drive party. Again, I wasn’t really interested but she promised it would be fun – a cocktail or two, some tasty finger foods and some really nice people.  I walked away from that little party with a whole new attitude and a membership application in my purse.

This wonderful group…my friends… the Beta Group… they’ve all become a treasure of immeasurable worth for me.  I was just barely in to my year of leading this group as president when Al was diagnosed and gone all within a month and a half. The love and support  I was shown was amazing.  Special considerations were made and the vice president stepped in as president.  They allowed me to come back when I was ready a few months later and serve out the rest of the year as a second term vice president. When the following year came I was able to fulfill my original duty as president. It was all so out of the ordinary and outside of any bylaws but these wonderful people made exceptions and made sure I knew they were there for me.

I’m joining members of the Beta Group today for a fun-filled special event and really looking forward to it. I’m thankful for my Betas, not only for the camaraderie and business contacts but for the love, support and human kindness that lives within them all.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 2

Nov 2 – Day 2


I’m thankful for friends; friends that can be counted on and would never steer you wrong. Brian Bradley is one of those friends. Brian has been in my life for over 30 years and has been an integral part of my life. My husband’s best friend and everyone’s favorite uncle. Brian was just a kid when we met him (heck, so was I). Al hired him when we came out to Tucson to help open a restaurant with another friend. A fast friendship developed between Al and Brian and continued on for many years through thick and thin, through good times and bad, through times of elation and joy as well as times of extreme sorrow and sadness.

Among other things, Brian has always made sure my family is well taken care of when it comes to vehicles. He has been in the car business forever and has always made sure we were given the best deals when it comes to vehicle repairs and purchasing new/used cars and trucks. So when my Avalon finally saw its last day, with Brian’s guidance and assistance I purchased a new car. I’m really not sure I could have done it without him. He paved the way for me and his salesmen would never take advantage of me because of the respect they have for Brian. I was reminded of this again today when I took my car to the body shop he recommended. He put me in touch with the owner, a personal friend of his and I know that I will be completely taken care of and treated fairly and respectfully. With Al gone, car stuff is scary for me and Brian makes it not so scary. There are a million other things I’m thankful for when it comes to Brian but this is the easiest to mention and least sappy of them all.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 1

So I see everyone jumping on the 30 days of thankful thing and I decided to hop on. If anything, it will remind me of all I have in my life and remind me to be appreciative of even the smallest things. Because to be honest, we all forget, we all get busy, we all get bogged down in our daily lives. So here begins my little journey of thanks.



Nov 1 – Day 1

I’m thankful I have consistent internet service once again. It may sound trivial but I’ve gone through months of intermittent service. It played havoc with me trying to work on my home business and I felt completely disconnected. I don’t have a smart phone, just a little work flip phone so I truly was living in a black hole when I was away from my office. Call me cheap but the truth is I can’t add an extra $50-$75 to my list of monthly bills. So after no resolution after months of going through the proper channels I finally wrote a nice long email to we_can_help@cable.comcast.com asking for resolution or for them to pay for me to get set up with Direct TV. Amazingly, they jumped on it and put me in touch with a local supervisor who worked diligently for over a month to get to the root of the problem. And he did. And I’m once again very happy with Comcast. So to you Dan the Comcast supervisor; I’m thankful to you for stepping up and working to solve a long-time customer’s service problem.

Flooded Floors and Carrot Cake

I took today off. It’s kind of a weird day for me – today is Al’s birthday. It just doesn’t feel right to be at work and just ignore what was always a day of some significance. Al was one who liked to celebrate his birthday and let others know that it’s all about him. How many times would we hear him jokingly sing “Happy birthday to me” when he’d ask someone to do something for him?  And it wouldn’t matter how we celebrated his birthday, he really just wanted those few minutes when the kids would come over to wish him a happy birthday. We’d turn out all the lights, light the candles on the cake and gather around him to sing happy birthday while he’d grin like a little kid. Gifts were never important; it was the fact that his grown children still took the time to come see him. And the words handwritten in the birthday cards, those were the things he relished the most.

When I woke this morning I closed my eyes for a moment as I imagined his face and wished him a happy birthday. Things went a little, well, strangely from there. I walked out in to the backyard and all of a sudden it started raining. It’s been sunny and warm but today of all days it rains. Yeah, yeah, the weatherman probably predicted it but it rained TODAY.  I made coffee and settled down in a chair to watch the morning news and get online. No internet. Of course. Comcast thought they’d finally figured everything out and after replacing everything they could possibly replace; my internet service appeared to be working consistently after months of extremely spotty service.

**About my internet service - I’ve been working with a local supervisor for months and have had at least 10 or 11 different technicians in my home doing work to solve my outage problems. The thing is, when they run diagnostics on other Comcast customer’s internet service that surrounds me, no one else has fluctuating service or outages. They’ll replace a cable or two inside or outside and everything is fine for a few days and then it goes out. They’ll try different modems and all is good for a couple of days and then it goes out. Several technicians have said it’s a strange electrical problem where there seems to be a lot of feedback or something. However nothing fails but the internet. And there has been no significant electrical “happening” taking place in my home that could cause this except one. My husband’s death and spiritual presence.

Ok, back to today. It’s raining. My internet is out. All morning long my cable has been losing its signal in 15-30 second intervals. Just a gray, snowy picture on all channels. Even with all the internet problems I’ve had going on, this NEVER happens.

And then the pièce de résistance...I started a load of clothes and began doing a few random things around the house before heading out to lunch with my daughters. The next thing I know there is water coming out from under the laundry room door. Yep, my washing machine drain backed up and was spilling out all over the floor.

Hello Al, happy birthday to you! Just like you to do a little turning of the screw today. Think I’ll have a little carrot cake tonight just for you. Ha! Gotcha back. I love you.

Kenwood, Pioneer....New Life and a Cleaner Carport

My doorbell rang this afternoon and I opened the door to a young man inquiring about the stereo equipment I have sitting piled up in a corner of my carport. He said he has some equipment in his dorm room but needed some piece and asked if I’d sell that particular unit to him. I walked outside with him and looked at it all. These were Al’s things, stuff we bought years ago. Things I have no understanding of. Stacked components? Tuners? Subwoofers? All I know is they haven’t been used in years and they are (or were) quality pieces of electronics. Al loved music and loved to turn it up loud and he bought the best.

But over the years as certain pieces failed and needed parts replaced we’d just set the equipment aside as other interests took over. Sometime after Al passed I loaded all the equipment and stacked it in the family room eventually moving it out to the carport. My plan was to list it on Craigslist and sell it – hell, I figured I could use the money. But I needed to do research to figure out what I actually had and what to charge so there it sat.

So when this young man appeared at my door this afternoon I knew it was right to just offer it to him. I told him that if he was interested he could take all of it for free, not just the one piece he needed. He looked at me somewhat disbelievingly. I told him I had no use for it anymore and didn't even know if it was usable. He said he can rebuild things and definitely use parts from all of it. I asked again if he wanted to have it all. He said absolutely, that he just needed to get his friend to help him cart it away.

As much as Al loved that stuff and took pride in it, I know he would have loved to see that young man’s face when I told him he could have it all. It’s kind of weird letting go of those items since I associate my husband with them but it feels good too. Kind of like breathing new life in to something old. And just a little bit of a smile spread across my face.

Incredulous

Definition of INCREDULOUS

1

: unwilling to admit or accept what is offered as true : notcredulous : skeptical

It’s exactly how I felt on Sunday. I was milling about my house doing the usual mundane weekend tasks. While doing laundry and hanging up my clothes I realized my closet needed a little rearranging. I gathered up a bunch of shirts I rarely wear and took them to the spare bedroom to hang in the closet. As I hooked the hangers on the rod my hand brushed against the other clothes hanging there. Al’s clothes. Looking down, there are his shoes. It’s weird, I imagine his feet in those shoes and then I see him clearly in my mind wearing that shirt, those sandals. Turning away and out of the room I close the door behind me. Then that incredulous feeling creeps up. I still find it absolutely unbelievable that he’s gone.  It’s odd, the feeling isn’t one of sadness but more an incredulous feeling.

Those of you who’ve lost someone so completely bonded to you like a spouse, a best friend, even a child…don’t you find it unbelievable that the person who is supposed to be there with you is gone? Even two years later? Even when your daily life makes you face it, makes you stare in to the emptiness, suck it up and move forward? Do you look at a subtle or in your face reminder at times and say to yourself, “I can’t believe he’s gone, that he’s never, ever going to say my name again? That I will live the rest of my life without him?”

I know the truth. I’m a realistic person. I don’t wallow in sadness, dwell in the past or spend my evenings feeling melancholy. I guess someday I’ll look back and think how silly these feelings are. But for now I think I just need a little validation that others feel this. Someone tell me this is normal or at the very least, not completely peculiar.

An Unexpected Twist To A Good Deed

At my monthly Beta Group luncheon today our speakers were representing a grass roots group called Tucson Gives. At the end of the presentation they tasked each of us with taking a few of the wrapped cake pops they brought and give them away to elicit smiles and goodwill.

I took 3 and quickly gave my first one away to the woman behind the counter when I picked up some photo CDs for work. At Glenn & Swan on my way back to work I saw two older men sitting on the ground under the shade of a big tree so I pulled over and approached them with my last two cake pops. Told them what I was doing and offered the cake pops. They said yes and I asked if I could take their picture to which they obliged.

 What came next was unexpected……they asked for a ride! Oh no, I wasn’t prepared for that. I don’t pick up hitchhikers. Ever. But they just wanted to go to Craycroft and it was obvious I was going that direction and after all, they had just posed for a picture for me. So I helped these two old (kinda smelly….sorry, but it’s true) guys in to my car and gave them a ride. They had very heavy Slavic accents and it was hard to understand them but I know they appreciated the air conditioned ride ~ and the cake pops!

(I felt “okay” doing this since I had evidence on my camera if anything happened!)

Canine Comfort

Each milestone date is easier than the one before. Today could have been a difficult one as I marked the 34th anniversary of the day I married Al. But I’ve turned a corner and my support system is with me every step of the way. I’m incredibly thankful that I was surrounded by all three of my children (although none of them qualify as “children”) and their families. I had a minute of self-pity last night when I went to bed. It was about 1am and I settled in and thought for a minute about how much I miss Al and how we loved to celebrate our anniversary. There’d be the inevitable joke between us about how each year that passed early in our marriage he’d say something in anger during an argument that we’ll never make it 2 years, soon it was we’ll never make it 4, 5, 12, 23, etc. It turned out to be a 32 year joke between us. A tear or two fell as I thought to myself that he should be there next to me. It wasn’t a sob, it wasn’t a cry just merely a tear or two.

Just at that moment Sylus (my big black Lab) got up from his spot and started licking my face. He did this long enough to make me laugh and push him away. Sy typically spends about 5 minutes on the bed on the edge furthest away from me when I first lay down and then moves to the floor. But instead he crossed over and around Raider and plopped down on top of the covers between my legs and put his head on my stomach to keep an eye on me and to make sure I felt his presence. I’m a sap, a bit of a romantic I guess and a believer in otherworldly things since Al has made his presence known so intently since he passed. Sylus could have sensed something in me but I wasn’t outwardly obvious in what I was feeling, it was pretty much all internal. And Sy is not one to exhibit this type of behavior. My connection to Al has remained strong and I feel he found a way to comfort me through the actions of my Sy in the early morning hours of our anniversary. It gives me an amazing sense of comfort and I wonder how long I can hold on to Al and just how long before it’s considered unhealthy.

I'm a Solo Act, Bitches!

I was bored and with my basic cable package knew there’d be nothing of great interest on TV tonight. I logged on to Redbox and nothing really appealed to me. I’m kinda bored with the book I’m reading. Just for the hell of it I checked out what was playing at the movie theatre closest to my house. Hmm, my interest was piqued. Go to the movies by myself? Nooooo. Besides, the next start time for what I wanted to see was only 15 minutes away. Scratch that. I fed the dogs and goofed around a bit but I couldn’t stop thinking about stepping outside of what’s comfortable and just going to the movies by myself. Checked the times again and said the hell with it, I’m going to do it. I had 25 minutes until the next start time so I grabbed my purse and left for the mall (a five minute trip). I still wasn’t entirely sure I could do this and as I walked through the mall I asked myself if I was really going to the movies or was I going to make a turn and go in to a store within the mall. I was still considering turning around as I was in line to buy my ticket. But then it was my turn and I uttered the words, “One please, for Snow White and the Huntsman.” Crap, I had my ticket and I wasn’t about to waste the $10 I’d just paid so I went in. Well now I was fully committed so why not go the extra mile and hit the snack bar. I know I’m just self-conscious and probably imagined the guy two seats over looking at me, wondering why I’m there by myself. It only took a minute to regain my composure and focus on the previews and then I was fine. For some people, this is nothing but for me it’s a pretty big milestone. I enjoyed the movie and it was a hell of a lot better than a Redbox night. Next up……sitting at a sushi bar by myself. Who knows what follows. Does it even matter? All I know is that I stepped outside of my normal and pushed past being uncomfortable. ‘Cuz I’m a solo act bitches, and I can do this!

Prickly Pear Margaritas and Bull What?

Homemade cards and backyard BBQs in the warm desert evenings gave way to carefree dinners where all we had to do was eat and pay the check. I have plenty of Mother’s Day memories because after all, I’ve got a few of those special days under my belt. Who would have thought my favorite Mother’s Day memory would surround prickly pear margaritas and bull’s balls? On one particular Mother’s Day a number of years ago when Al asked where I’d like to go for dinner I told him El Corral. It’s a steakhouse restaurant in Tucson that’s been around forever and I’ve always loved the vibe there. It’s so Tucson and the restaurant is very western and housed in a historic territorial ranch house.

So arrangements were made and each of my kids were told when to show up and that they were welcome to bring their significant others along if they didn’t have plans of their own. As you can imagine, the restaurant was packed. The management had opened a quaint, little rustic building across the parking lot for guests to wait in and enjoy a cocktail or two. The Mother’s Day special was a prickly pear margarita and the occasion called for a little bit of imbibing. If memory serves me correctly I don’t think my youngest was quite of legal drinking age yet but she and her boyfriend were being served (Oh, my bad. Am I not supposed to admit that?) Soon enough (and after a round or two) the eight of us were ushered in to the restaurant and given a nice table. It was a celebration so naturally….another round! We had such a great time laughing, telling stories and enjoying our time together. Food and appetizers were ordered and when the appetizers came out and were plunked down on the table we all froze. There they sat all breaded and hot with lemons and dipping sauces.

Rocky Mountain Oysters. Cattle testicles. Bull balls. More laughter, plenty of dares and jokes but we all ate them, or at least had one bite. Then we had our delicious meals of prime rib, steaks and blue corn tamale pie. When dinner was nearing an end we ordered one last round when our waiter told us they could no longer serve us. Wait, what? We were being cut off? In all truthfulness we seriously only had three drinks each TOPS and they were probably just trying to turn the table over but we thought it was riotously funny. So my best Mother’s Day memory is of high hilarity, being refused drinks and bull balls. Beat that!

A Quiet Victory

I got home Saturday night after my daughter’s Cinco de Mayo party and grabbed the mail out of the mailbox. After fawning all over my two wiggly Labs who in their minds hadn’t seen me since last year, I shuffled through the envelopes. My monthly statement from the good old IRS was there. You see, a number of years ago Al and I were really stupid and had a few tax issues that finally caught up to us and we were paying them in monthly installments. Car payment sized installments to be honest. I think we only started our payment plan about a year before Al passed away. For a variety of reasons for the past two years I’ve had some fairly large tax refunds owed to me. But I owe them. You guessed it, they take my refunds. I knew they’d do it again this year and that when they did, it would finally pay off my debt. So when I opened that envelope to see the words “Amount Due: $0.00” it wasn’t a surprise. What was a surprise is how it messed with my emotions. I was really happy and even held the statement towards the sky and said out loud, “We did it honey! Finally! We did it and can start seeing some light at the end of the tunnel.”

And then it hit me. This was a shared victory that only I could celebrate. It hurt that Al wasn’t here to feel that same relief and sense of accomplishment. To see that statement and give me one of those giant bear hugs of his. So like a bitter pill that will make you feel better in the long run, I swallowed it up. And I started to think about what I’ve been able to do on my own. There was nothing when Al passed. No savings, no retirement fund, no little pot of gold life insurance policy. Just a lot of debt. We’ve always been paycheck to paycheck people and I really didn’t know how I was going to do this in the beginning. But I did it. Me. All by myself. Me, who had previously only been on my own for less than six months between moving out of my parents home and in to a place with two friends after graduating from high school. I did this. I pay my mortgage every month; I worry every month as I figure out how I’m going to pay my bills but I do it. And now I can look ahead and use that money I pay out to the IRS every month and start paying down other bills.

Maybe I’ll be able to breathe a little easier. Maybe I’ll be able to buy a car eventually and be able to make the payments without struggling. Maybe that light at the end of the tunnel just got a little brighter. Maybe that light was always there but I kept closing my eyes. They’re open now. Wide open.

The Change is Within ME

I didn’t sleep so good last night. Maybe it was the rare afternoon “iced venti half-caff Café Americano with a pump of sugar free hazelnut syrup - extra ice” after a busy day in the outdoor heat with 700+ 1st graders at a water safety event with a 5pm board meeting as a chaser. Maybe it’s just my age and hormones. Maybe it’s the ugliness of a missing Tucson child, one that was snatched in the middle of the night from her bed. A six-year old girl who not only is a child of my Tucson community but a member of the Tucson Medical Center family. You see this beautiful baby’s mother works at my hospital and her father used to. So many people at TMC know little Isa. Whatever the cause, two hours of sleep and an hour and a half of lying in bed wide awake, I rose just after 3am and decided I needed to do something to make a change. Even if that change is small and only within me, it’s something I need to strive for. I’ve been feeling a little negative lately and it’s not who I’ve always been. Did I really change that much after Al died that I’m not so much the glass half full girl anymore? So there I was standing in my bathroom blow-drying my freshly washed hair at 3:30am when it hit me. I need to do at least one positive thing each and every day. I need to stop letting life happen to me and weighing me down. And I knew just how to jumpstart this journey. I got in my car, drove to Wal-Mart and picked up six different muffin mixes and went back home. Actually, I wandered the aisles at Wal-Mart just a little bit with my camera in my purse hoping to catch one of those awesome People of Wal-Mart shots but I think it was just me, some East Indian dude and a Goth looking couple in the whole place. Damn. Anyway…. I went home, made all the muffins, packaged them up and put them in a Trader Joe’s paper sack along with a new tub of “buttery” spread and a package of disposable knives. Finished getting ready for work, fed the dogs and headed across town.

There was no one there when I arrived. The media trucks and reporters were busy enough in their designated area but the command post was empty.

I suppose volunteers need to sleep too. I left my Trader Joe’s bag full of deliciousness on a chair with a little note for the volunteers to enjoy the contents and left my name and place of employment. (Didn’t want them to think some crazy left the bag and the muffins were poisoned! And to be honest my name is pretty well known to many of the TMC employee volunteers who man the command center so I felt that by leaving my name, there was a better chance of them actually eating the muffins rather than tossing the whole bag.) Walking back to my car I was stopped by a kind-hearted, bearded lady (Seriously! She had a few days worth of stubble going) who wanted to make a donation. She held out a $1 bill and asked me to take it. With no one around to take her donation, I explained that I worked at TMC where the only designated fund to help find Isa resides in our foundation. Poor thing talked a good 10 minutes about her career and life in Los Angeles and how she ended up in Tucson. I have to admit, I did enjoy watching her stubble filled chin move all around as she spoke. That’s not negative, right? She left with a warm feeling too. Just like me. And then it was off to start another busy day.

What the Funk?

It kind of hit me this morning like a slap in the face. I’ve not been feeling myself lately and didn’t really realize what was going on. My energy level is way down, my thoughts seem to be all jumbled up, I’ve become forgetful and I kinda feel like I’m just stumbling along in a little bit of a fog. In addition, I’ve had two instances over the past two weeks where I called in sick due to what seemed like a bad cold. And this from someone who rarely gets sick. Each of these things independently were annoying and a bit of a nuisance but I put them all together this morning and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m in some kind of a depressed state.

I’m a little embarrassed saying that out loud. I’ve always been the one with the positive attitude and quiet strength to get through anything. This is very foreign to me. And you know what? It’s not grief. I don’t sit and think about Al and cry over losing him. Sure I have my moments but in all honesty, I’m at peace with that chapter in my life-book. So what the hell is wrong with me?

My eyes and ears were opened today when during the regular phone calls I have with my daughters on a daily basis, I explained how I felt. They both told me they’d noticed. At first it was separate little things for them too. My always positive attitude had turned a little negative; I have been coming across a little bitchy with them lately; I forget things ALL the time, I haven’t been following through on things I say I’m going to do, and I’ve been uncharacteristically “ill” too many times recently. I think they pieced it all together at the same time I did. Plain and simple, I’m in a funk.

After work today I met up with my daughter Alison and we restarted our walking regime that was put on hold for a variety of reasons. It’s a three mile walk which gives us 45 minutes or so to talk and talk we did. I explained that I wasn’t feeling “sad” or grief stricken, in fact I felt pretty stupid feeling like this at all. Alison put it in words that made perfect sense. My life and everything I’ve ever known abruptly changed. Truer words were never spoken. My purpose…my thing…what made me, well, me…is gone. For all of my adult life I focused on my family and my husband. Everything I’ve ever done revolved around them. When my children grew up and got married, my focus turned back to my husband and living again for us. But when he died I was left to live a different life. AND I DON’T KNOW HOW.

Lately when I get home I stay home. I rush home to my dogs. I think I’ve substituted my dogs for my husband in some way. They need me. They need me to feed them. They need me to spend time with them. I fill my time mindlessly “watching” TV. I don’t get on my computer much, I’ve not been working my Scentsy business much, I don’t sleep well. I’ve built a little cocoon for myself in my family room. It’s ridiculous and I’ve got to break myself free. But how?