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Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Always Believe in the Good

Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen.

I wasn't sure but to be honest, I was hopeful. After meeting L about two months ago, I was very interested but not exactly confident that I'd truly see him again. We'd text a bit here and there until one night he asked if we could Skype. Spending that hour basically face to face talking to each other kind of changed things and our texts became a little more frequent. Plans were made to see each other when he came back to Tucson for Christmas.

When I went to Hawaii in mid-December, L (Leroy....but for my blogging purposes he'll be "L") maintained contact and I sent him a few pictures of my island fun. I was especially touched when I turned my phone on after landing in Phoenix to head home and found a really nice text checking in to make sure my flight had arrived and I was safe.

Well the time finally came for L to be in Tucson to see his family here and in Phoenix. We met for lunch and truth be told, I can't remember feeling so comfortable and relaxed around a man. Conversation just flowed exactly as it did that very first night. Any fears or trepidation I may have had prior to our lunch meeting quickly flew out the window.

Well, L is back to his traveling job now but out of the past eight days, seven were spent with him either here in Tucson or in Phoenix. Everything about this feels natural and right and it's kind of hard to explain. So far, family and friends have been supportive; friends more so but I believe that to be normal. My girls are being supportive to a degree but I think they worry that I'll get hurt. I tell them I'm a big girl and if things should turn and I get hurt, so be it. I can take it. My son...well, my son doesn't really express much about matters of the heart. He knows I'm dating and I think that is enough for him.

Always a believer in signs and being open to signals and messages from Al, I've received a few regarding L. The first was when I was with L in Phoenix and he asked me to text him the pictures I'd taken from the night before when we were at a comedy club. I sent him the pics and looked at my phone afterwards to make sure the text went through and I saw that it was sent at 11:11. Feels like a little nod from Al.

Driving home from Phoenix Monday morning after having breakfast with L, his sister & her baby and L's cousin, I was approaching Picacho Peak and smiled as I saw the sign for Rooster Cogburn's Ostrich Farm because L had taken me there just two days earlier and we had a blast feeding all the animals and birds. So at the exact moment that I was driving on I-10 past Rooster's place, the song "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" came on the radio. C'mon. What are the chances? I haven't heard that song in 20 years and it plays as I'm looking at the place we'd just been two days before, the place he always tries to go to when he's in the area? That's not a little nod from Al. That's a pat on the back, a fist bump, an "I approve", and a "Just be happy, Kathy" from beyond.



Saturday, November 8, 2014

Cosmic Joke, Pheromones or a Sign That It's Time?

I feel a change coming within me and I'm not quite sure who to blame or thank for it.

Suddenly as if  some great harmonic convergence changed my energy or some crazy friend (Marsha Crazy Horse) sensed something within me and gave me a push. Regardless of how or why this is happening, I think I just may be ready. Ready for what, you may be asking? Ready to start dating. Holy shit, I actually said it/wrote it and the more I say it, the more I'm sure.

I'm pretty sure I have Crazy Horse to thank for this. Her Tucson visit was finished and I told her I'd pick her up and spend Sunday afternoon with her and get her to the train station that evening. She told me about a man named "L" she met and then shocked the hell out of me when she said she told him about me. What the hell? Marsha and I made our way to Hotel Congress and sat outside to have a drink and a bite to eat. She asked if I wanted L to come meet us and hang out. Uhhhh, no. A little time passed and pretty soon Marsha laughed and held up her phone. She had asked him to send a selfie! Crap, Marsha ~ what are you doing?

After a bit we got up to go across the street to hang out at Maynard's at the train station and as we walked away from our table, this tall, handsome YOUNGER man walked in and it was L. Gulp. Introductions were made and we went across the street and in to Maynard's where L bought us both a glass of wine. Marsha's 7:00pm train turned in to an 8:45pm train so over the next couple of hours, a mutual attraction developed between L and I. We finally got Marsha on her train and he turned and asked if I'd like to go have a drink with him. It felt completely natural and right although I was freaking out a little inside when I said yes. We found a spot nearby and sat out on the patio where we talked, laughed and found our commonalities over the next hour or so. I ended it innocently enough but we left the door open to possibly see each other next time he is in Tucson (he travels for his job). He's already texted me and truth be told, I've got him on my mind.

Oddly enough this same week I was approached by a man at work who asked if I'd like to go out for a drink or dinner sometime. A brief moment of panic hit me but I regained my composure without him sensing my internal debate and said sure, that would be nice. No plans were made at that moment but we agreed that we'd talk and see what works for us. I don't really know this man but there's no harm in getting out there and exploring this new world. I have to relearn so many things that I've lost over the last 30+ years; how to date, how to let someone know I'm not interested after a date or two and more importantly how to let someone know that I AM interested. Are there lessons I can take or a book I can read?!

My friend said it's pheromones. She said something was awakened within me when I met L and I'm putting out pheromones. I don't know about that but I'm kind of excited (and extremely nervous) about this next chapter. So  possibly the cosmos had a play in this and I've been gently guided to this place. Can't believe I'm saying this but ~ bring it on.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

All Soul's Day - A Remembrance

I was born to an Irish father and Irish/Polish mother (with various things mixed on both sides) and raised in much simpler time in a little Los Angeles suburb called El Monte. El Monte and the Southern California area has a rich Hispanic history and culture but I truly never knew or felt it. Perhaps it is because I was raised in a mostly white neighborhood and in a time where it seemed like everyone pushed their own heritage aside in an attempt to be part of the larger and more accepted white majority.

It wasn't until I left California for me to actually see the culture before me here in Tucson. I suppose I could have opened my eyes more had I stayed in Southern California but in Tucson, it was more of a gentle immersion. There didn't seem to be any hard lines between the different races and beliefs. Here Mexicans, Asians, Blacks, Europeans, Native Americans ~ everything seems to blend together and each culture is respected for what they bring to the community.

While there is so much about each ethnic group that I enjoy, the one that speaks to me is the Hispanic culture. This is likely because I have lived in Tucson so long and my husband was largely Hispanic. But there is no denying the beauty of the culture. It's an odd place for me internally because much of the culture surrounds their rich religious beliefs and relationship with the church and well, I don't share those beliefs at all. But I appreciate the beauty and tradition. I prefer to link the beauty, tradition and way of life to something greater than a specific religious belief, but more to an overall understanding that we are all alike and some kind of greater existence exists for us all. Something none of us truly knows.

Today is All Soul's Day and I feel a great connection to the celebration. Yesterday (Nov 1) was All

Saint's Day where all the Saints are celebrated and is a reminder of how we are supposed to live.
All Soul's Day (Nov 2) is about all the souls who have died before us and asking that they be guided and granted to an everlasting life - whatever that life may be in your beliefs. Because of my own personal religious beliefs, while I think All Saint's Day is beautiful, there is no meaning for me. However, All Soul's Day is deeply intimate and personal. I embrace the beauty, the love, the pain, the sorrow and the celebration.


Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Here You Come Again

Armed with a few Spanish words ~ Dieciseis docena de maiz, por favor ~ we headed to the southside of town to get the field corn from a young Mexican man selling it out of the back of a truck on south 12th Ave. The entire weekend was devoted to keeping our Navarro family tradition alive and the freezer is full of green corn tamales now.

It was a little ironic that the only free weekend between us that could be devoted to this important ritual happened to fall on Al's birthday. For about a week leading up to his birthday, my daughter Alison kept telling me about the various signs she'd been getting from her dad. The many 11:11s, the way that old saved voice mail from Al just happened to pop up in her messages at the right moment, Rickie Lee Jones' song The Horses playing quite randomly and just an overall feeling that he was with her. Maybe it was our very recent trip to Puerto Penasco that brought him closer to her.

Last year during our tamale making weekend, Al was with us in spirit and I blogged about it. One of the signs that made me sure he was there was the appearance of that giant praying mantis last year. We rarely see those insects around; I'll never forget it since the praying mantis has a spiritual meaning and has been important to me since Al died.

Well this year after a full day shucking and cleaning corn and then cutting the kernels off 192 ears we had a BBQ that evening ~ Oct 11 ~ Al's birthday. As we were sitting around the firepit late that night we had a visitor. That's right, a praying mantis.

I silently honored Al's birthday this year, not posting or talking about it. Just feeling the love in my heart and uttering a few words out loud to him. I'm in a good place. And then he makes his presence known. And my heart swells and I begin to question myself and how far I've come.

"Here you come again
Just when I've begun to get myself together."
~ Dolly Parton





Monday, September 15, 2014

The Light That Shines From Within

Lucky girl. That's me. It's taken me a while to realize it and a well deserved period of feeling sorry for myself a couple of years ago but the truth is, I'm quite fortunate.

It became crystal clear after I went to dinner with my friend Judy a couple of weeks ago. We were talking about the recent death of her mother and the time Judy got to spend with her a couple of months and weeks before her death. Judy and her mother were especially close, even living together for the past several years. She told me that she felt fortunate that she had 54 years with her sweet mother and was able to leave her job a couple of months ago when her mom received her fateful diagnosis. Judy said she couldn't imagine what I went through having lost my husband and the pain I must have experienced. I told her that of course it was hard and painful but I know that there is always someone who has or is experiencing something much worse than what we have or currently are going through. We both agreed and talked for a while about that before she told me how lucky I am to have the family that I do. I was filled with some sort of warm, deep light and love when she said that. Kind of like a slow burn, it took a couple of hours for the thought to fully ignite within me. I couldn't sleep that night for all the thoughts spinning in my head. It was almost a dizzying realization that hit me.

My life is far from perfect but it's okay because it's mine. I live alone and get lonely sometimes. But I answer to no one and enjoy the quiet solitude in my home. I don't have anyone to "take care of" and cook for.  But after a lifetime of living for others and putting myself last, I put myself first now. I often barely make ends meet and it's often a case of running out of money before I've run out of bills. But I manage and I budget and I even make sure I have enough to have fun and enjoy my life....even if it means other areas suffer. (And that's okay because those decisions only impact me) I hate that my kids don't have a father and my grandchildren don't have a Grandpa Al. But I've got strong, amazing children who are carrying on and keep their father's memory alive. And my grandchildren know who Grandpa Al is even though one only met him a couple of times as an infant and the other two never got that privilege.

I am strong, I am happy. And I am very lucky.

Friday, August 15, 2014

A Slow Burning Epiphany

I recently went back to Playa del Carmen in Quintana Roo, Mexico for vacation. It's the place Al and I went for our 30th wedding anniversary. I half expected to feel a little melancholy while there, especially when I'd be at some of the same spots we enjoyed back in 2008. 

But it was a different hotel, a different beach, the city had changed and I had changed. I'm happy for the life I had with Al and the lessons I've learned along the way. I have three of the most amazing children because of him and I am who I am today because of him. And you know what? I like me.

My entire married life was devoted to my husband and children. I was one of THOSE women. I catered to their every need and put my own wants and needs on the back burner. Shit, who am I kidding? They weren't on the back burner, they were poured in airtight containers and put in the freezer.

This is going to sound a little strange but I'm learning to put myself first and come to understand that it's okay to be selfish. It's my turn. My time.

Now, this is not a sudden epiphany. For the last year or two I've slowly been discovering myself and that I deserve to enjoy my life for me and no one else. Forever a people pleaser, I'll admit it is a little hard to not care what people think of me. But I'm working on that. 

My vacation was out of this world. I was happy and full of excitement for what each day would bring. I zip lined, I rappelled, I swam in cenotes, I snorkeled in a lagoon, I snorkeled with sea turtles in the open water, I came face to face with an ugly old barracuda. I drank rum straight out of a freshly opened coconut with a hairless dog by my side. I swam with whale sharks 18 miles out in the middle of the ocean. I read, I swam, I ate amazing food, I drank way too much alcohol and I did it all with some of my favorite people.

While out on the town one night we stopped at a little place called The Beer Bucket. That place not only holds very fond memories for me but it also holds a special memento ~ Al's old truck license plate. You see, The Beer Bucket used to ask people to bring in license plates from all over in exchange for a free t-shirt so Al dug his old one out, dusted it off and put it in his suitcase back in '08. 

So when we approached that wall and saw it, a tear did roll down my face. It was a tear full of laughter and memories, maybe just a touch of sadness, but full of love and happiness.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Four Years and the Love Still Shows

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that this much time has passed. As time goes by people come in and out of our lives, things change and life goes on. I work daily on moving forward and making changes in my own life and building my future. I've always been one of those odd people who really like change. Change makes us stronger, better and more appreciative of the things that came before.

Although I'm working hard on those changes there is something I hang on to that is so near and dear that I never want to lose it. Perhaps it's a bit unhealthy but it happens so in my mind, it's obviously very necessary for the both of us. That is the connection and communication I get from Al. Still. Four years later, it's still here. Not as frequent or as strong as in the beginning and I know he is moving further and further away from us all. But when it's important, he's here.

Very recently something truly upsetting happened that was painful for my immediate family. It's difficult to explain and I'm not ready to put the whole story out there. Al's son Peter, who my husband met for the first time just  hours before his death, came in to our lives and was welcomed as family. Things have a way of happening for a reason and Peter walked out of our lives just as suddenly as he entered. Just this past July he delivered a long distance slap in the face to my entire family and returned the small box of Al's ashes we gave him and told us he was severing all ties with our immediate and extended family and to not attempt to contact him. Although this was the best news we could have received for a number of reasons, it was hugely disrespectful to send those ashes back as if they were nothing.

A family member who didn't quite understand what caused the rift and uneasy feelings we had towards him recently reached out to him in an attempt to bring him back in to the fold. She was doing what felt right to her to tighten the family ties. My daughter Lesley called me last week and was very upset about a dream she had. It had been a very long time since she'd dreamt of her father and the dream that woke her that morning was awful, unsettling and caused her a great deal of anguish. She dreamt that Al was alive and :Peter was living with me and Al. Peter was drinking heavily and he and Al were having a horrible fight, yelling and screaming at each other. It was a tension filled dream and she awoke very upset. A few miles away at my house, I woke that very same morning and went down the hall towards my living room. Half way down the hall something hit me like a wall - a smell. An awful, sickly sweet smell that I immediately recognized. It was the smell from the hospital during the worst of Al's hospitalization leading to his death. It's a smell I'll never forget and it was there in my house that morning.

Later when Lesley and I spoke we talked and learned of each other's experience and the incredible timing of it all. It was that morning that Lesley learned of that family member's attempt to contact Peter. I can only make sense of it one way. I believe Al was showing his displeasure over the situation. He knows and was somehow witness to the entire Peter situation and the ugly feelings that arose from his time here. He has never shown a negative sign to any of us, ever. All signs from Al have been positive and uplifting but this was different. It was ugliness and he was using what means he has to show us that he wasn't happy either.

I can't close this post with such a negative thing. There is so much positive in my life and I'm thankful for it. Today my daughter Lesley had her very first student nurse experience in a real clinical setting with real patients. It's quite ironic that on this date, the anniversary of her father's passing in Peppi's House - the hospice at Tucson Medical Center, Lesley was assigned to Peppi's House for this experience. She was there at the exact minute he passed 4 years earlier in that same small facility. She was honored to bathe and prepare for the family, the body of a woman who had passed just moments prior.  She touched people who were actively dying just as she had laid her hands upon her father just those short years ago.


And finally, as I was leaving my house today to go to Alison's to meet her for our annual remembrance lunch I spoke to Al under my breath and said, "I guess you're not going to show me any signs today. That's OK - I love you." I climbed in my car, turned the ignition and as my dashboard lit up the time displayed was 11:11.  I smiled and said, "There you are."


Saturday, January 18, 2014

Dog Days and a Sign He's With Al

"A dog doesn't care if you're rich or poor, educated or illiterate, clever or dull. Give him your heart and he will give you his." John Grogan (Marley & Me)

My bond with my dogs, especially Raider, is strong. Ray and Sylus have gotten me through the worst time in my life by being my comfort, bringing me laughter, love and loyalty every single day. They sleep with me, they follow me around and anxiously wait for me to come home at the end of the day. But the bond between me and Raider was tighter than with Sy. Ray always wanted my hand on him and was a bit of a baby.

Raider died last Sunday and before I tell you the sign I got from Al that Ray was with him, let me tell you what happened to him.

Raider started throwing up undigested food 5-6 hours after eating and it went on for a week. Our vet took blood and treated him with meds for a pyloric spasm condition that stops food from entering the intestines. Labs came back indicating his liver/kidneys were functioning normally. He was on the meds for a few days and he was keeping his food down. 

He was fine Friday when I got home from work and all evening. Saturday morning he was fine – he ate breakfast and then I was gone all day from 6:30am-6:30pm on Saturday but he was great when I got home. Just his normal self. He ate dinner and was perfectly normal all evening long. Went to bed at 11:30 and put him on my bed. I woke up around 4am and he wasn’t on the bed. I found him in my closet which is where he goes when he is scared (thunderstorms, fireworks, etc). He wouldn’t come out and I figured he just didn’t feel well so I went back to bed. At 5am he was standing by my bed so I got up and helped him on to my bed. He had a lot of difficulty getting up there. Tried to sleep a bit but he was next to me and breathing strangely, not panting, just very strange, intense breathing. I had an idea of what was going on from when Al was in Hospice and you learn about the different stages of breathing as someone is dying and I definitely recognized it but didn’t want to believe it. Then I touched the pads of his paws and they were really, really cold – another sign. I just stayed with him and kept stroking him and talking to him. Around 7am I knew for sure what was happening and that he was dying so I called my daughter Lesley (she lives 5 minutes away) and she said she was coming over. I called my other daughter Alison as well and while I was talking to her, his breathing changed to the final stage which is like a fish out of water; slow, infrequent gulps. He only did that about 5 or 6 times and then was gone.

The girls came over and we arranged to take his body somewhere and my son-in-law and his brother moved him from my bed to the vehicle since he weighs....weighed....over 100 pounds.

I feel lucky that he died at home, in his most favorite spot with me by his side. My guess is that it was cancer, possibly a large tumor that was preventing his food from leaving his stomach. I didn’t have to make the decision to put him down, which is awful. I knew enough about what was happening to not take him to the emergency vet and have them invade and scare him.

That night as I got in to bed with only Sylus near me, I spoke out loud to Raider telling him I loved him and that if it's possible for him, I'd love to have a sign at some point that he's OK now. I shed a few tears and then settled in to go to sleep when all of a sudden an incredibly warm, comforting sensation was felt on the top of my ear that was facing up towards the sky. It didn't feel like a hot flash or anything but felt exactly like a warm ray of sunshine coming down on that exact spot. A moment later as my eyes were shut I could see s small, bright white light far off in the distance. I opened my eyes to see what it was and the room was dark. I closed my eyes again and within a moment or two the small, bright white light far off in the distance reached out to me again.

I truly believe that this was my sign. I'm not sure if dogs can actually emit this kind of energy like people who have passed can so I have a feeling it was Al giving me what I needed to assure me that Ray was fine and quite possibly with him.

**OK, now I know it. I just finished typing this out and looked at the time on my computer. Yep, it's 11:11