A Big Bear Hug

Not trying to be Debbie Downer or anything but it’s still hard. I put up the indoor Christmas decorations yesterday. He loved when I’d decorate “his room”, running garland with white lights and little red ornaments all around the wall unit. As I wound it around the side and near the shelf that holds his urn & keepsake from the memorial service I laughed as I remembered his smile as the decorations slowly went up. Doing this yesterday felt good and familiar.

I’ve had four days off from work and have accomplished very little. I think when I have a little too much down time, I get to feeling a bit melancholy. I guess that’s normal though. I should be relishing this rare weekend with little to no commitments and accomplishing so much here at home but it’s not happening. Instead of doing the cleaning and yard work that needs to be done, I find myself sitting around, reading, watching TV and feeling a tiny bit lonely. I think up to this point I haven’t really felt lonely, just alone. It has nothing to do with my kids or my friends, it’s deeper than that. I love my family dearly and am so lucky to have them but thankfully they all have independent and happy lives. We did something right with them, didn’t we?

I don’t think I’m quite ready to let go of him and may not be for a long time. For the most part I live a happy, positive and busy life and I appreciate all that I have. But I’m feeling a little dark right now. It’ll pass. It always does.

He seems to know when I need him most. We had a recent medical scare where for no apparent reason my pregnant daughter suddenly had some stroke-like (TIA) memory problems that were alarming enough to have her go to the local emergency room to get checked out neurologically. When she told me what was going on with her it felt like I was kicked in the chest. I was scared and worried. I went to her house to watch my granddaughter so she and her husband could go to the hospital. It was late and after a full day of work so I ended up falling asleep on their couch. Something woke me and I picked up my phone to check the time and it was 11:11pm. I smiled because I knew in that moment that she was fine. He was letting me know. And she is fine. They got home around 2AM and reported that the neurologist and tests revealed no medical issues.

Then on Friday after an exhausting Thanksgiving at my house, I was vegging out. I had gotten up early thanks to my dogs and was dozing off while watching TV. I decided to take a rare nap and headed to my bed. Just as I was climbing in I glanced at the bedside clock and it was 11:11am. I silently acknowledged him and lied down to sleep. When I woke up just about an hour and a half later it was from a beautiful dream. I was home and felt so much excitement because Al was coming home! In my dream I opened the front door and there he was walking up the driveway. He was wearing a white chef’s uniform, clean and sharp but over his left breast was a quilt of medals and ribbons. He looked so happy and he reached out to hug me. It was one of those hugs where you feel enveloped in love. He kissed my head and said, “Oh, how I’ve missed traveling with you!” And just like that, the dream ended as I opened my eyes.

I miss those big bear hugs but for just a moment I was lost in one and it felt real and it felt good.

All Souls Procession ~ For All the Souls Here and Beyond

As much as I love everything about Summer from an average daily temperature of 105 degrees or more to the sound of cicadas buzzing in the trees to that feeling when you lay your arm on the leather console in your car and see how long you can keep it there (I know, weird huh?) I’m starting to appreciate Fall and Winter. As the season changes there are things that make me miss him all the more. I listen to friends and family talk about deer or elk hunting and I feel a little pang of sadness when I remember how excited he would be to go on his hunts. When I make a pot of fideo or albondigas I remember those evenings when I’d walk through the door to the wonderful aroma of his split pea & ham soup or his famous Texas chili. I’d smile and give him a kiss as I looked at the mess in my kitchen that he’d leave for me. And then there were the holidays….oh how he loved the holidays. Thanksgiving, eh. It was nice having the family together and eating all the food but Al lived for Christmas! Last Christmas was tough as it was our first one without him. I don’t imagine it will be as difficult this year but I think I’ll still be hiding a tear or two from my family.

Another thing I’ve come to appreciate at this time of year is something that has become deeply personal to me. The All Souls Procession. I’ve had a strange love affair with Mexico and the beautiful culture and started going to the procession a few years ago. But after Al passed, it took on a whole new meaning to me.

I feel a kinship with my fellow Tucsonans as we walk the downtown streets in celebration and love for our family and friends who have passed on. It’s deeply steeped in the Mexican culture but it’s gone beyond being something that only Latinos celebrate. Mexican, Asian, Black, Native American, White, you name it…we’re all there doing the same thing. Honoring those we love and have lost.

What’s amazing is that each of us in some way has had our hearts broken through loss but not our spirit. I can look at someone carrying a picture of their lost loved one and they can look at mine and we know. We know that the love is still there and that it still hurts at times. And we’re there because we want others to know. To know that this person was special and truly meant something in our lives. This person was a living, breathing person and now they’re gone. And we will honor and remember them. And of course there are people who have not experienced such loss and participating in the All Souls Procession proves to be a reminder to many of them of just how precious life and love is.

When I first started attending, I was a spectator but after Al passed I felt compelled to do more. My family & I join the procession and walk the route. We wear buttons and small sandwich boards that are adorned with Al’s picture. I paint my face and join the thousands who are there to celebrate….celebrate life and love and beyond.

1st shot is me in the 2010 procession, 2nd shot is me in the 2011 procession

This is such a happy and joyful event, a true expression of love and culture. I wish you all could experience it.