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Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Incredulous


Definition of INCREDULOUS
1
: unwilling to admit or accept what is offered as true : notcredulous : skeptical

It’s exactly how I felt on Sunday. I was milling about my house doing the usual mundane weekend tasks. While doing laundry and hanging up my clothes I realized my closet needed a little rearranging. I gathered up a bunch of shirts I rarely wear and took them to the spare bedroom to hang in the closet. As I hooked the hangers on the rod my hand brushed against the other clothes hanging there. Al’s clothes. Looking down, there are his shoes. It’s weird, I imagine his feet in those shoes and then I see him clearly in my mind wearing that shirt, those sandals. Turning away and out of the room I close the door behind me. Then that incredulous feeling creeps up. I still find it absolutely unbelievable that he’s gone.  It’s odd, the feeling isn’t one of sadness but more an incredulous feeling.

Those of you who’ve lost someone so completely bonded to you like a spouse, a best friend, even a child…don’t you find it unbelievable that the person who is supposed to be there with you is gone? Even two years later? Even when your daily life makes you face it, makes you stare in to the emptiness, suck it up and move forward? Do you look at a subtle or in your face reminder at times and say to yourself, “I can’t believe he’s gone, that he’s never, ever going to say my name again? That I will live the rest of my life without him?”

I know the truth. I’m a realistic person. I don’t wallow in sadness, dwell in the past or spend my evenings feeling melancholy. I guess someday I’ll look back and think how silly these feelings are. But for now I think I just need a little validation that others feel this. Someone tell me this is normal or at the very least, not completely peculiar.

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