Slowly moving my name to the top of the list

The bottom of the To Do list, that’s where I put my personal needs for my entire married life. When Al & I first married I wanted nothing more than to be a good wife and please my husband. That attitude, my own personality traits and Al’s macho Hispanic ideology all played in to it. I was only too happy to cook, clean and pretty much wait on him. Now I know this isn’t how all wives do it, in fact I may be in the minority but it’s what made me happy and kept my husband happy. When the kids came along their needs were first and foremost, pushing Al slightly aside and pushing me further to the bottom. Over the years through lean times, we often struggled to make ends meet but I really don’t think our kids suffered for it…..or at least didn’t really realize they were suffering for it. I hope. The kids only got new clothes twice a year; back-to-school and Christmas. They didn’t get new toys and video games whenever they wanted them. Those things came at Christmas and on birthdays. We always found a way for them to be involved in extracurricular activities, mainly Pop Warner football and cheerleading but it wasn’t always easy. Kids’ doctor and dentist appointments were put before ours due to finances.

When the kids grew up and left home, I turned my focus back to taking care of Al – once again and still, pushing myself to the bottom of the list. Now I’m not being a martyr here, just stating a fact. I hold no animosity about any of this. It was the life I made for myself and I hold no regrets. It was my choice.

Well, Al is gone now and I find it hard to move myself to the top of the list. But my kids are grown and are doing a fantastic job of fending for themselves and are all quite successful, each in their own way. I’m trying to take care of myself now (what choice do I have?) and have made some steps forward.

After Al passed, my children encouraged me to change doctors. We’d had the same family doctor for about 30 years and although our doctor saw Al frequently and knew of his various medical conditions and was fully aware of Al’s habits and history, did not properly test or diagnose him. While I don’t blame him for Al’s death, I don’t understand how he could have missed the diagnosis. It took another physician (surgeon) testing Al before gallbladder surgery to actually pick up what was wrong. He was diagnosed on January 29 and died on March 13. I finally decided to see a new physician and start fresh. In addition, I went to the dentist after staying away for approximately 20 years. These two steps are HUGE for me. I’m actually proud of myself for doing this. It’s not easy but I’m slowly moving my name to the top of the list. It’s gonna take a while before it feels natural but I’m working on it. I think Al would be happy to see me finally focusing on me.

Dream Weaver

You'd think I had a past that involved taking acid or something but I have never touched it in my life. My dreams though, are often like what I would imagine an acid trip "flashback" to be like. I had a friend tell me that I would fit in very well with Johnny Depp (more like Tim Burton!) and the weird movies he seems to favor.

I often wake up with just a glimmer of what flowed through my brain during my sleep. Occasionally I remember themes or scenes. A Nordic god-like man riding horseback rolling lightning balls across the desert floor at me; trying to escape a normal house which suddenly turns in to an Alice in Wonderland type scene with puffy, pillowlike moving walls that close in on me full of vivid, crazy colors; walking down a dark neighborhood street that is suddenly underwater and I'm swimming through it all only to finally "escape" to an area within a canyon filled with dead bodies and talking skulls. I know! I know! What a freak, huh? Seriously, I've never done crazy hallucinogenic drugs EVER!

I do dream somewhat normal dreams on occasion though. Either I just don't remember them or they don't occur that frequently. I did have one of note though just yesterday morning. I don't think it was just any old dream though. I think it was Al visiting me in my sleep. Al and I were in the car with me driving as usual. It was 8:30 in the morning and we were obviously not in Tucson but still in the Southwest. I looked at him and said "What do you want to do now?" He said, "Let's go to Hatch and have a late breakfast at the Pepper Pot!" You see, Hatch, NM and the Pepper Pot hold very fond memories for Al & I.

Unfortunately that's when the alarm went off so the dream ends there. I got right in the shower and with my head under the stream of water, I thanked him for coming to me and spending time with me and then proceeded to sob letting the warm water mix with my tears.

I got out of the shower and made my way through the house and out to pick up the daily newspaper from the driveway. Came inside, sat in my recliner and opened the paper to the front page. And there it was. A sign from Al that he really was there with me visiting me in my dream. The story and accompanying picture was all about bats. Yes, bats. And why would that mean anything at all? Well for at least 15-20 years, Al and I had a running inside joke regarding bats. It all stemmed from a neighborhood family we didn't exactly get along with. The grown daughter of the neighbor woman was an exterminator who got in lots of trouble many years ago for killing bats under a bridge in Tucson. She received some very negative press because of it. Ever since she became known as The Bat Killer around our house. From that day forward, any story or sighting of bats would make us break down in laughter heckling each other with "Bat Killer!" I could practically hear him laughing the other morning and calling out those words to me. I smiled and said aloud, "I knew it was you. Thank you honey."

Huntington Beach ~ Memories....Past, Present and Future

Growing up in the LA area, the favorite hangout spot in the summer was naturally the beach. Not just any beach but Huntington Beach. Hot and steamy summer days full of tan, teenage hard bodies. Once upon a time in my life I was actually one of them. And since Al grew up in the LA area as well, HB was his summer hang out spot too...just a decade earlier than me!

In our early married life while we still lived in the LA area as well as when we moved back for a few years and had Alison, HB was still the beach of choice. I have fond memories of evening weenie roasts and marshmallows on bent coat hangers over HB fire pits.

One of the very best vacations we ever took was when Al was a general manager at Chuy's here in AZ and bringing home some awesome monthly bonuses. Al was working long, hard hours there and our family was certainly growing up. It kind of felt like this would probably be the last family vacation where we'd be lucky enough to get all three kids to attend and they wouldn't be resentful of the family time. So it was decided. We'd spend a week at Huntington Beach and just relax. Little did I know what Al had up his sleeve. The five of us packed up and flew to LAX, rented a car and made our way through the streets of LA. Past Randy's Donuts, then a little detour through Bel Air/Brentwood/Beverly Hills to gaze at mansions. Finally we arrived at our destination, Huntington Beach. We had reservations at the Hilton on PCH directly across from the beach but what we didn't know is that Al had booked an amazing ginormous suite with a massive wraparound patio/balcony. We were in shock. It was so luxurious and unbelievable, not the kind of thing we ever indulged in. We spent that week lying on the beach, swimming in the ocean, visiting family, and hitting some of our favorite places. It was the best week I could ever have asked for. My entire family all in one place, enjoying each others' company and just relaxing. It was a trip we often looked back on with very fond memories.

So when I was in the LA area for the family reunion just over a week ago Alison, Lesley and I knew we had to go to HB. Funny, sitting at Jack's on the boardwalk holding Isla while Lesley ate her shaved ice, I gazed out over the sand at the teenagers, young families and adults and saw different stages of my own life mixed in with all of theirs. I squinted hard and saw my teenage self playing volleyball in the sand, turned my head and caught of glimpse of my very young family holding those bent coat hangers with charcoaly hot dogs over the fire and caught the eye of an older me walking on the boardwalk holding my husband's hand, trailing behind our 3 teenage kids as we all headed back to the hotel for our last night of paradise.

I can only hope my kids will keep HB alive in their hearts and lives as they raise their families and enjoy a trip here and there to our old stomping grounds.

Cordova Descendent Family Reunion

PIC IS OF THE NAVARRO PART OF THE CLAN (minus Al Sr & Jenni...bathroom break)

Isn’t it funny how sometimes time, distance and circumstance just kind of peels away revealing the sweet fruit of life? I had a wonderful experience this weekend and I’m so thankful I was able to participate and just BE.

To clarify for those that don't know, Al's mom was a Cordova. She married a Navarro and while the Navarro clan clearly stands on their own, the Cordova's are a huge clan and are absolutey amazing people that I am PROUD to be part of.

As far as I know there have been two past Cordova Family Descendent Reunions in the past. Sad to say it, but our family has never been able to participate. Those who know me best know that financial situations over the years have been such that they’ve kept us away from these reunions. Previous ones were held in the Ventura area and frankly, that location made it virtually impossible for the AZ Navarro’s to participate. We’ve always struggled with money and barely gotten by so to think of taking time off of work and traveling all the way to the Ventura area with three kids was ridiculous. Well, when Al got sick family members wanted to make it easy for him to participate (knowing it would be his last) and were willing to move it closer to Tucson…either near the Colorado River or closer to Al’s dad’s home in Anaheim. But then he passed and the reunion still was taking place. To make it easier on Al Sr (my FIL), the decision was made to have it closer to him.

So what was once going to be ALL the AZ Navarro’s turned in to me, Alison, Lesley & Isa, hit the road to attend the reunion at Puddingstone Dam/FG Bonelli Park (whoo hoo….hang out place from my teenage times!!). We hit the road leaving at 6:30AM…originally planned to leave at 3:00AM…amidst a totally over packed Toyota Camry. Several stops and adjustments for a baby who doesn’t exactly like being stuffed in a car seat for hours upon hours, we arrive in the LA area and decide to go straight to Huntington Beach where so many memories are held. But wait…it’s the end of August…why are we freezing our asses off? Oh well, I fork over the 15 bucks for parking and we make our way down to Jacks. While I wanted strips with cheese (the fav) I ordered a slice of the worst pizza EVER and Les got her all-time favorite shaved ice treat. We took a few pics, Isla was hilarious with her new toothy grin and then we were back in the car ready to head to Tommy’s. Awwwww, Tommy’s. Such fond memories of that place in the ghetto of LA. Standing on the street corner at Beverly & Rampart eating a wondrous chili cheeseburger while standing along a little counter that juts out from the wall of the surrounding parking lot…well, there really are no words to describe the feeling. If you’ve been there and grew up with it then you know. Wow, I’ve really digressed. The traffic was so horrendous that we bypassed this necessary stop and went straight to our hotel. Next morning we got ready and headed the 4 miles to the family reunion.

It was AMAZING to see people I’ve seen 4 months ago, 1 year ago and THIRTY years ago!! We talked, we laughed, we ate, it was fantastic. The first bittersweet moment was when the “cousins” all posed for a picture. Al should have been in that picture. He loved his family so very much and while they were all arranging themselves, I could actually hear him yelling out “Just take the damn picture!”. He’d be so funny and enjoying it all.

I admit a couple of tears fell as I watched them gather and take the picture. When it came time to take a smaller family photo, his sisters were receptive to holding his photo during the pic. I hope I didn’t dampen the happy mood by offering his framed photo to them. The rest of the time was spent talking, laughing, eating and having a great time. Another little bittersweet moment occurred when a little trio of old Mexican men came by offering their musical services for the bargain price of $10 per song. Thankfully Andy paid the old guys and they played a beautiful little song that Al would have loved.


Before I knew it the day drew to an end and we were back in our hotel.
The next morning we headed to Alicia’s and spent the morning with family eating breakfast, looking at some emotional pictures of Al’s last hours and laughing at the events of the day/evening before and the ridiculous family that we all belong to. Then it was time to hit the road. It was nice to come back home, as painful as home can be sometimes, it’s still home. The place Al & I made TOGETHER, the place we were most comfortable, the place that brought us both together and the place that will always be just that….HOME.