Without a Net - Bitter Air

You know, no one taught me how to be a wife or a mother. Like most people, I started off a bit like a fish out of water, flopping around, sometimes gasping for the familiarity of my uncomplicated, past life. But slowly I adapted. I learned to breathe a little differently and things began to make sense and become "easy." The fish grew legs & lungs and stood upright, proudly taking on it's new environment.

The thing in my life I've always been most proud of is the deep commitment, love and loyalty my family has always been known for. It was always recognized by other family members, family friends, coworkers and even my own childrens' friends. We knew we had a level of dysfunctionality (who doesn't?) but we recognized it, embraced it and proudly were The Navarro's. We took in a number of our kids' friends & boyfriends/girlfriends and welcomed them in to the tight folds of our family and treated them as if they were our own. I think of many of those "kids" as family still.

So how is it that I'm back to being that fish? Flopping around, struggling for the cool water to take the place of the dry, miserable oxygen that has been filling me lately? What causes a family to fall apart? Was Al really the glue that held us all together? I honestly thought most of it was due to me and my unfailing love and dedication to my family. But it's turning out to seem that it wasn't me at all, I had fooled myself all these years. How else can I explain why my family has become something I don't recognize at all? Damn, it really hurts too. It's almost like the tears I cry lately are no longer just tears of grief for my deceased husband but also, for the seemingly "death" of my family. That's exactly how it feels. I feel like everything I've sacrificed over the years, every time I defended my children, every time I stood up for them and gave when there was no more to give, was all for nothing. It's like a slap in the face. Love and respect? I thought it was there for me. I didn't know it would disappear as if I don't exist.

Yeah, I put it here because I guess I'm too much of a coward to say this outloud. That would make it real. This is MY blog, MY raw emotions, MY pain. I'm entitled to feel what I feel. And right now, nothing feels right. NOTHING.

I don't feel like that little fish gently placed in a loving, little net and moved from one familiar tank to a strange one but still surrounded by those who mean the most to me. Yeah, more like a fish tossed roughly to the shore, all without a net left to let the bitter air burn me as I gasp and flop around.

But tomorrow is another day. I'll find a way to move past this feeling. What that way is, I don't yet know. But I'll be damned if I let Al "see" how scared I am for my family. We told him it was okay to go, that we'd be OK. Do you think he sees the truth?