Really, over a AAA card???

Wow. I sure didn’t expect to fall apart over something so simple. About a month after Al passed, I began changing my bills over in to my name. Electric, gas, cable, phone, etc. I recently received our renewal for AAA. I called to change the account to just my name, remove Al and make me primary, thus decreasing my yearly bill. No problem – they took care of it and said they would send me a new card as account holder. Got the new card in the mail and opened my wallet to rifle through my little stack of various cards….my AAA card, Al’s AAA card….toss ‘em in the trash….couldn’t release my grip on Al’s card….couldn’t throw his card away. Then I started to cry….OVER A DAMN AAA CARD. I feel like I’m slowly removing everything that is and was Al. Soon, all I’ll have left will be memories and pictures. I don’t like this, I don’t want this, I didn’t sign up for this. It’s not fair, damn it.

I had drinks recently with a work friend (male….all very innocent, I assure you) who also lost his partner very recently, actually more recent than Al’s passing. His girlfriend of seven or eight years lost her battle with her disease and he finds it difficult to get through some days and needed to find someone who understands what he feels, someone who is going through the same thing, someone who might be a sounding board when he’s having a particularly rough day. We had a really great time, talked about things in general touching on each of our losses, laughed a lot, drank a bit and said we’d do it again. Towards the end of the evening he admitted that he wants to move forward and is ready to start dating again. I admire him for being able to take that leap and get back out there and find companionship and someday, love. But I’m a million miles away from taking that step. In fact, I don’t see it happening for a very, very long time….if ever. I’d been with Al since I was 18 years old. I basically “grew up” alongside him. I mean, he was by my side from young adulthood when it was just the two of us, through the birth and raising of three amazing children, through the empty nest syndrome, to accepting and loving that we had returned to a life and household with just the two of us. We had really begun to settle in and were definitely renewing our love and commitment to each other. So many plans, so many dreams, so many things for me to keep in my heart. Think I’ll be content to just be the mom, “Masita”, “Grandma”, “Gramamma” in my family for now, maybe forever.