My guilt doesn't come from any of that. It's different but nonetheless, it's my guilt. Was I a Jew in a different life? Is that infamous Catholic guilt somehow embedded in me? It's there, there is no denying it. I am guilty. I don't ask for forgiveness. It is part of who I am right now. A widow. Huh? Wha? Widow? Aren't they old ladies dressed in black who mope around with hankies tucked in their sleeves? What the fuck. It's me.
- I feel guilty that I'm here and Al isn't.
- I feel guilty that my family isn't respecting Al's strong belief in his FAMILY and putting judgements and feelings aside to be just that....family.
- I feel guilty that I try to avoid being at home so much because I miss him so much and don't like to be there without him.
- I feel guilty that we're going to a family reunion for Al's side of the family and we were never financially able to attend while he was alive.
- I feel guilty that I feel weird about even considering bringing his urn & ashes to this reunion as my sister-in-law requested.
- I feel guilty that Al's high school buddies' annual golf trip wasn't what it should have been and they probably had some sadness during what should be an amazing, ridiculous, fun-filled, alcohol-infused golf-fest.
- I feel guilty that I may have influenced his decision to go to hospice where he died so quickly. (omg, I said "died". Is it becoming easier to say that???)
- I feel guilty that I've gotten to know his long lost son and he didn't have that opportunity.
- I feel guilty that I'm going to Puerto Penasco next month and he'll never go again.
- I feel guilty that I'm going to have a Tommy's burger when I go to LA next weekend and he'll never go there again.
- I feel guilty that Brian doesn't have his best friend anymore.
- I feel guilty that last year he told me he thought he was dying and I told him he was crazy and dismissed it all.
- I feel guilty that I experienced my first crazy, monsoon downpour today and I know it was his favorite thing about summer.
- I feel guilty that the pirate will never be heard again.
- I feel guilty that I emptied out his medicine cabinet and threw away all his prescriptions.
- I feel guilty that I'm sleeping on his side of the bed when it was his "protected territory".
- I feel guilty that I'm getting air-conditioning in OUR house and he hated air-conditioning and swore to never have it.
- I feel guilty that people who loved and cherished their friendship with him miss him and will never see his face again.
- I feel guilty enjoying Big Brother, our favorite show that we loved watching together.
- I feel guilty that he doesn't get to experience the joy of watching Isla progress, grow and change before our very eyes.
- I feel guilty that he'll never meet Marshall's baby girl.
- I feel guilty that he won't be there to watch all his grandchildren and future granchildren reach their milestones like kindegarten graduation, getting their driver's license and just watching them grow up.
- I feel guilty that I'm sad because he would want me to be happy and not dwell on the fact that he's gone but rather be joyous over the life and love we had.
Oh hell. I just realized that this list is never ending. More wine please.
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