The Light That Shines From Within

Lucky girl. That's me. It's taken me a while to realize it and a well deserved period of feeling sorry for myself a couple of years ago but the truth is, I'm quite fortunate.

It became crystal clear after I went to dinner with my friend Judy a couple of weeks ago. We were talking about the recent death of her mother and the time Judy got to spend with her a couple of months and weeks before her death. Judy and her mother were especially close, even living together for the past several years. She told me that she felt fortunate that she had 54 years with her sweet mother and was able to leave her job a couple of months ago when her mom received her fateful diagnosis. Judy said she couldn't imagine what I went through having lost my husband and the pain I must have experienced. I told her that of course it was hard and painful but I know that there is always someone who has or is experiencing something much worse than what we have or currently are going through. We both agreed and talked for a while about that before she told me how lucky I am to have the family that I do. I was filled with some sort of warm, deep light and love when she said that. Kind of like a slow burn, it took a couple of hours for the thought to fully ignite within me. I couldn't sleep that night for all the thoughts spinning in my head. It was almost a dizzying realization that hit me.

My life is far from perfect but it's okay because it's mine. I live alone and get lonely sometimes. But I answer to no one and enjoy the quiet solitude in my home. I don't have anyone to "take care of" and cook for.  But after a lifetime of living for others and putting myself last, I put myself first now. I often barely make ends meet and it's often a case of running out of money before I've run out of bills. But I manage and I budget and I even make sure I have enough to have fun and enjoy my life....even if it means other areas suffer. (And that's okay because those decisions only impact me) I hate that my kids don't have a father and my grandchildren don't have a Grandpa Al. But I've got strong, amazing children who are carrying on and keep their father's memory alive. And my grandchildren know who Grandpa Al is even though one only met him a couple of times as an infant and the other two never got that privilege.

I am strong, I am happy. And I am very lucky.