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Sunday, October 17, 2010

Lovely...bug symbolism for someone who hates bugs!

Ever since we came home from our fantastic Mexico trip for Al’s birthday, I’ve been feeling uneasy. I’m not sure what it is or why it is but I am definitely feeling something. I’m beginning to fully realize that I have to live my life differently now. I mean, I knew this fact when I first lost Al but it’s becoming glaringly, obscenely, “in your face” obvious now.

Things that when I had my partner here were easier to meet head on but are now overwhelmingly frightening because I have to figure out how to take care of these things on my own.

I think I have a leak in the toilet tank in the back bathroom. I’ve come in the room to find water pooling on the floor in front of the toilet. I traced it back to that flexible piece of tubing coming from the wall in to the tank. I’m also thinking I might have a bigger plumbing issue based on the light flow of water from the kitchen sink. Plumbing problems scare the crap out of me because I know from experience (yes, Al and I had some interesting home repair experiences) that what starts out as a seemingly simple repair turns out to be much worse when inexperienced hands get busy. For now my quick fix for the toilet problem is to turn the water off at the wall as it leads in to the tank. I turn it on again when I flush and fill the tank, then turn it off. I need at least two new tires on my car, a very long overdue oil change, and LOTS more. I’m scared to take it in because I know I can’t afford what needs to be done, much less new tires. But on the other hand, I need to keep the car operating because I certainly know I can’t afford a car payment and full coverage insurance. With just under 190,000 miles on it, it’s only a matter of time. The holidays are right around the corner. What’s it going to be like without Al? Do I carry on the same Christmas traditions he loved so much? Am I going to let my family down if I’m sad? Are people sick of me feeing lost without him? Oh, I can go on and on and these thoughts & worries make sleep difficult.

So yes, I’ve been feeling uneasy, restless, worried.

An interesting thing happened yesterday. In the afternoon as I was sitting in the recliner in the family room, I looked up and saw a very large, green praying mantis on the ceiling. Immediately creeped out and freaked out, I got right up and asked Peter to please remove it but don’t hurt it or kill it. Just get it out and put it in the wash behind us so Raider doesn’t eat it because that crazy dog loves to eat bugs. Then I went out to a work event and later met up with Alison & Brad at a bar for a few drinks. When I got home, what do you think I saw on the ceiling? You got it, another praying mantis!! This one was a little smaller and was brown instead of green. Peter helped me out again and removed it so I could sit it the family room without freaking out. I mean…what are the chances, right? One praying mantis in your house, while a little freaky is plausible. But TWO? In one night? Now that’s just downright odd.

And yes, a cartoon image because bugs of ANY kind (even butterflies and ladybugs) gross me the eff out!

I’ve had too many signs and strange symbolisms appearing lately to not realize there is some meaning behind this. I had to look it up and this is what I found:

An appearance from the mantis is a message to be still, go within, meditate, get quiet and reach a place of calm.

From: http://www.whats-your-sign.com/animal-symbolism-mantis.html

I take this as a message Al is sending me.

Monday, October 11, 2010

¡Feliz cumpleaƱos! mi amor ~ You will live forever in OUR paradise!

Well the first step was taken in letting Al forever be a part of the world he loved so much. We did right by him and it feels good. A little painful but good.

The weekend started on Friday morning when Alison, Brad and I left for the family weekend destination, Puerto Penasco, Mexico. Rocky Point. Cholla Bay. Our little slice of paradise. It’s an easy drive, one that we enjoy and despite everyone’s concern and warnings….an uneventful drive. Checked in to the neighborhood hotel Al & I used to stay in, Rosa del Desierto. Its bare bones but its safe, the A/C works well and a large room with two king beds was only $35. Left right away and headed to the beach to find Alison’s former coworker Alissa and her family. Found them in the RV park on the beach that they frequent and spent the next several hours drinking and BSing the night away. Checked out of the hotel the next morning and hit a favorite local establishment for breakfast. Anita y Jesus – a super clean, super friendly place for a good meal. The best part about the place is Oscar. The owner’s brother. He remembers us year after year and we truly look forward to giving our business to this local establishment just to see Oscar and his beautiful, welcoming personality.

From there we drove around a bit and killed some time by checking out some of our favorite haunts before heading over to Las Palmas over on Sandy Beach. Before long Marshall & Ali and Les, Trevor & Isla showed up and we hung out at the resort pool until we were able to check in to the beach house. Finally the house was ready and so were we. The house was just as we remembered it from when Les & Trevor were married there two years ago. Absolutely gorgeous. So we spent the rest of Saturday and all day Sunday on the beach, swimming in the water of the Sea of Cortez, eating, drinking, playing late night “drunken” Pictionary and completely enjoying one another. We ended Sunday afternoon by sitting out on the patio overlooking the beach and watched the most amazing sunset only to be amazed at the sight of a red crescent moon. We watched as that red moon slipped below the horizon in just a matter of minutes. It was a sight I won’t soon forget.

I woke up early this morning, made coffee and went out on the patio to enjoy the early morning and wish Al a happy birthday. Today would have been his 62nd birthday and it also the 22nd anniversary of his mother’s death. I know somehow, somewhere their spirits are together and keeping us all safe. Before long the house was bustling with activity and we soon packed up and checked out to head out to Cholla Bay. We all made our way to Al’s favorite spot, the spot we spent many summer afternoons enjoying the weather, water and Mexican hospitality. Just a little spot on the beach in front of an old abandoned, little shack of a house. We placed a framed picture of Al, a biodegradable pretty container of ashes and a Mexican beer in the sand where Al placed his canopy and camp chair for a number of years and then Les dug a little hole in the sand in Al’s spot and poured some of his ashes from the container in to the hole and covered it back up with sand.

Then we all walked out in to the bay as the tide was coming back in and when we were in water above our knees we stopped and wished Al a happy birthday, told him we missed and loved him and then sent his ashes off to mix in the water of Cholla Bay. We all shared that last Mexican beer and “poured one out” for Al. It was pretty emotional, sad and mournful yet beautiful too. And leave it to my husband on this one. The biodegradeable “peaceful pillow” that contained some of his ashes and was supposed to become heavy as the water soaked through the container kept floating back to ME. I’d pick it up and walk several paces out and place it in the water to give it a little shove out in the deeper water but it kept floating and making its way back to me. Was that Al playing games with us? I think so. Al was one to tease and slowly “turn the screw”. He sure had fun messing with us today! The “pillow” became heavy and water logged but wouldn’t sink. We finally opened it up a bit and helped release his ashes from the dissolvable bag within the pillow and put a giant clamshell under the slowly dissolving ribbon tying it closed and the pillow slowly sunk to the bottom of the bay. From there we walked to JJs and had a drink in Al’s name.

Then it was time to hit the road and come back to reality in Tucson.

Happy Birthday Al. You’ll always be a part of your favorite paradise now and we are well on our way to honoring your wishes on how to dispose of your ashes. There are a couple more special events on the way in the near future but we definitely honored you today. You’d be so proud of your children and the wonderful people they’ve become. They honor you every day in the way they live their lives. Not only will you live on in your own little slice of paradise but you will live on in the hearts of your children, family, friends and me. You were taken from us much too soon but I feel your presence every single day. Thank you for the wonderful life you’ve given me. I love you.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Ashes, ashes, we all fall down?


This post may be a little morbid but I'm in quite a conundrum. Al's ashes sit on a shelf in the living room in a beautifully inscribed and carved walnut box. The funeral home put his "cremains" in there for us. Al asked us to do a few things with his ashes and we will of course honor his request. He wanted some spread in Cholla Bay in Puerto Penasco, Mexico....our favorite relaxation spot. Some are to be spread at a favorite hunting spot, some are to be put next to Dodger's cremains and some are to be put in the firepit in our backyard this coming New Year's Eve when the clock strikes midnight and the traditional Christmas tree burn takes place.

So while I recognize that those ashes aren't really Al, I struggle with how I'm going to make this happen. My kids and I have talked about whether we can actually transfer the ashes in to separate vessels and I think we'll be OK emotionally. Here is where I am conflicted. So, let's say we open the walnut box and use a spoon to get some of the ashes. We scoop some in to a plastic bag to take to Mexico, we scoop some in to something to put in the New Year's firepit, we use some sort of funnel to get some in to another container with a small opening. Then what? What happens with the spoon, the empty plastic bag, the funnel? There are parts of Al's ashes clinging to those things. Do we throw those items in the trash? Do we rinse them in the sink? In my twisted mind that would mean Al is going in the trash or down the drain. What if we spill a little of the ashes? Then Al is mixed up with the dust and dog hair to eventually be swept up or vacuumed up?

The only thing I can think of to do is to use a plastic spoon, a paper funnel and save all those things that may have some of Al's ashes on them and then burn all those pieces when we put a disposable container of ashes in the New Year's fire. Then all those little specks of ashes that might cling to the utensils we use will go up in flames as well.

And then the next question....what do I do with the ashes from the firepit that contain Al's ashes?