Slowly moving my name to the top of the list

The bottom of the To Do list, that’s where I put my personal needs for my entire married life. When Al & I first married I wanted nothing more than to be a good wife and please my husband. That attitude, my own personality traits and Al’s macho Hispanic ideology all played in to it. I was only too happy to cook, clean and pretty much wait on him. Now I know this isn’t how all wives do it, in fact I may be in the minority but it’s what made me happy and kept my husband happy. When the kids came along their needs were first and foremost, pushing Al slightly aside and pushing me further to the bottom. Over the years through lean times, we often struggled to make ends meet but I really don’t think our kids suffered for it…..or at least didn’t really realize they were suffering for it. I hope. The kids only got new clothes twice a year; back-to-school and Christmas. They didn’t get new toys and video games whenever they wanted them. Those things came at Christmas and on birthdays. We always found a way for them to be involved in extracurricular activities, mainly Pop Warner football and cheerleading but it wasn’t always easy. Kids’ doctor and dentist appointments were put before ours due to finances.

When the kids grew up and left home, I turned my focus back to taking care of Al – once again and still, pushing myself to the bottom of the list. Now I’m not being a martyr here, just stating a fact. I hold no animosity about any of this. It was the life I made for myself and I hold no regrets. It was my choice.

Well, Al is gone now and I find it hard to move myself to the top of the list. But my kids are grown and are doing a fantastic job of fending for themselves and are all quite successful, each in their own way. I’m trying to take care of myself now (what choice do I have?) and have made some steps forward.

After Al passed, my children encouraged me to change doctors. We’d had the same family doctor for about 30 years and although our doctor saw Al frequently and knew of his various medical conditions and was fully aware of Al’s habits and history, did not properly test or diagnose him. While I don’t blame him for Al’s death, I don’t understand how he could have missed the diagnosis. It took another physician (surgeon) testing Al before gallbladder surgery to actually pick up what was wrong. He was diagnosed on January 29 and died on March 13. I finally decided to see a new physician and start fresh. In addition, I went to the dentist after staying away for approximately 20 years. These two steps are HUGE for me. I’m actually proud of myself for doing this. It’s not easy but I’m slowly moving my name to the top of the list. It’s gonna take a while before it feels natural but I’m working on it. I think Al would be happy to see me finally focusing on me.