Go Fish

Many of you…..well hell, most of you….know that I’ve started something new in my life. New things are fun, new things are exciting and new things keep YOU new. Well, you know what I mean.

I’ve really stepped outside of myself these past couple of months and it feels good. I’m looking at life in a whole new way, a way I’ve never really experienced before. I’ve said it before and it does bear repeating….I’ve never lived my life just for me. I didn’t have a crazy period in my life (teenage years don’t count!) where I did selfish, ridiculous things. I’ve never made decisions that didn’t affect an entire family.

Well life dealt me a hand I wasn’t expecting and I’m turning what I thought was a crappy Poker hand in to a winning Go Fish hand.

I’m not just making lemons in to lemonade; I’m making The Cup Café’s fucking Mexican Ice Water! Total sidebar but this drink is one of my favorites: Don Julio Silver, muddled lemons and fresh squeezed lemon juice poured over a glass of ice. Dare I say it? I think I’ve moved past my grief and have arrived at this next stage in my life.

This new thing is something I’m truly excited about. Never in a million years did I see myself doing anything like this. Ever. But the truth is, I’m loving it! I fell in love with Scentsy products about two years ago and was buying the products from a couple of different consultants….one consultant (director) in particular. She told me I should be selling it and I of course thought, “No way in hell.” I kept on watching her and saw an excitement that I was craving, a passion to succeed for myself, to do things my way. Although my financial situation scared me, it wasn’t what completely fueled my decision to take the plunge. It was the thought of doing something so completely outside of myself.

And I like it! Granted I’ve only been doing this for less than 45 days but I’m having FUN. Without giving a total sales pitch I just have to say that Scentsy is amazing and if you haven’t tried the products, you’re really missing out. Ha! Contact me; let me tell you about Scentsy! Crap….there I go.

So there you have it. My first step on a new path. I’m walking this path alone but that’s OK. It really, really is.

Living For Myself. It's The Next Thing On My List.

I feel like it’s time to turn this blog in a different direction but I’m not sure how to make that happen. I’ve been avoiding posting because for the most part, I’m not sad and looking to heal by expressing myself here.

That’s not to say I don’t GET sad. I got sad tonight…just for a moment. I had emailed the management team that handles Rickie Lee Jones to ask when she might reschedule her cancelled Tucson performance. It was a short email asking the question and also letting the team know how special she was to my family. I simply told them that her music meant a lot and that I’d often come home from work to find Al sitting on the porch in the summer waiting for me and blaring music from inside…always Rickie. I said that her music filled the hospice room for the two days he was there and that her music ushered him in to the next world. The reply I got moved me. The manager who wrote it is entering his 32nd year of marriage and expressed his sympathy and said he couldn’t even imagine experiencing such a loss. It touched me because he got personal. He didn’t have to but he related to me and let me know it. And it made me cry. Just enough where I had to wipe the tears away for a moment and then they were gone.

That’s pretty much the extent of my sadness these days. The moments are brief and they are fewer and farther between. I still plan to use this blog for memories and to help me through those times but I feel it’s time. It’s time to examine what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. Am I ready to be alone for the rest of my life? Am I ready to find a new partner to share my life with? Those are questions I need to explore. Right now I’m perfectly content with being on my own. Hell, I’ve never been on my own. I went from my parents’ house to a short couple of months living with roommates and then living and marrying Al. I kind of like having this freedom and the ability to do what I want when I want. But that’s in the here and now. I don’t know where my head will be next month or next year.

In the mean time I may experiment with what I post. I’ve been very honest with my posts up to this point but they were immersed in grief and now I’m not sure how to be so honest in my every day life. Bear with me.

Dessert First!

I reconnected with some old friends the other day over lunch. I used to talk to these ladies frequently over an eight year period when my boss served two terms on the Arizona Board of Regents. It was an interesting time in my life and while the work was very serious and important, we all knew how to laugh to ease some of the tension along the way.

The assistants from ABOR (Arizona Board of Regents, UofA (University of Arizona), ASU (Arizona State University) and the various Regents’ assistants (including me) would gather for lunch on occasion, usually meeting half way between Tucson and Phoenix in Casa Grande. When my boss had finally finished out his service he encouraged me to keep my relationship with these women active. Even when he left his position for greener grass in California, he felt it was important to stay connected with this group not only for my self but he felt they were important ties for our hospital.

Well, things don’t always go as planned and I ended up in a position where traveling for these lunches would not be tolerated in the least. I told my friends it was time for me to bow out and that someday I hoped to sit down with them again.

Well about three years later, that day arrived last Friday and it was great! I think I was a little too anxious about meeting up with everyone again and I thought we were to meet at the restaurant at 11:30AM instead of 12:00pm. About a minute or two behind me were four of the girls from the ABOR office. They had also arrived early but not by mistake, they wanted to be sure to get there with time to spare since they had encountered an accident last time that shut the freeway down. So we sat together at our table to wait (and gossip) until the other seven women arrived. Then they did the best thing ever…..they ordered dessert! BEFORE lunch. A couple of decadent, gooey, chocolaty things arrived on our table and were shared between the five of us. The attitude was “Why the hell not?” and it was so refreshing.

I had a takeaway from this that I hope stays with me for a very long time. Do what you enjoy, be willing to break the rules, do what feels right for you and you’ll be a happier, more satisfied person in the end. And as I think about it, I’ve gained a lot during the past 17 months; wisdom, confidence and attitude. (and weight…which I’ve managed to take off!) For over 30 years I lived my life for everyone else always making sure everyone else was taken care of. But I realize that I’ve found a new confidence, my sense of humor is back, I’ll do things my way if it feels right to me and I won’t back down on what is important and makes my heart whole.

So I say, “Dessert first!”

A Quiet Day of Celebration

For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; to love, to honor, and to cherish, for all the days of our lives.

We took those vows thirty-three years ago today and we honored them to the fullest. Like most marriages, there was plenty of “better” and our fair share of “worse”, too many of the “poorer” and not enough of the “richer.” Thankfully more of the “in health” than of the “in sickness” and despite all of life’s complications we truly did love, honor and cherish for all the days of our lives.

Even though Al is gone I still choose to recognize my anniversary. Technically WE were married for 31 years, 8 months and 12 days. But I have been married for 33 years. I don’t know when that mind set is going to change but for now, I’m embracing it. He’ll be on my mind all day, that much I’m certain of. I’ll keep my emotions in check for the most part as I go about my normal work day.




I’m trying hard to learn to celebrate the life and love we shared and not mourn the loss quite so much. Some days it works, some days it doesn’t. Not so sure about this day.