Not liking this, not at all

So how do other people do this? This learning to live your life differently? And why do I have to do it? I don’t like this and I don’t want to do it this way. I want my husband back. Plain and simple.

Tonight after work as Alison and I walked the three mile loop at Reid Park we had a conversation that got me thinking.

Wait, hold on. Complete side note, quick notation. I jogged. Seriously. Me. It was only for about 50 yards but I jogged. And this is from someone who does. not. run. Actually from someone who doesn’t even like exercise. Go me.

OK, back to what I was saying. I mentioned to her something I had said at my grief support group last night. I am having trouble with the fact that I don’t have anyone to take care of anymore. How do you go from being the person who takes care of everyone else to suddenly having no one who really needs me? I went from a newlywed who was happy and fulfilled taking care of her husband, to becoming a mother and completely satisfied being the one who does everything for my family to once again turning my focus to my husband after our children ventured out on their own. I actually liked doing for my family.
I liked making sure everyone had what they needed, cooking the meals, cleaning the house, washing the clothes, driving the kids where they needed to go, making sure my family was happy. It didn’t matter that I have always worked fulltime; I still did everything for my family. I don’t say this to be the dreaded martyr or to start building support for my quest for sainthood. I say this so you will understand that this is who I am.

Taking care of Al was only natural for me after the kids grew up. I always made sure that he could come home from work and relax and unwind. I prepared the meals he requested and loved. As his health became a little bit of an issue but well before we knew how sick he really was, I would make sure his work clothes were ready in the morning. Because he would leave the house at 5:30 in the morning and the cold had really started to bother him, I’d often start his car for him and turn the heater on. Later when the heater stopped working, I’d put his jacket and pants in the dryer so he could throw them on at the last minute and have a little bit of warmth to get going on his way to work. When he got sicker and couldn’t manage to eat because he always felt full, I made him smoothies with fresh fruit and protein powder and made him drink them. I’d make sure he drank two Ensures each day since he wasn’t eating. Damn, I sound pathetic but this was the way I chose to do things. Again, it’s who I am.

So now what do I do? I’ve been told that it’s time to take care of me and focus on me. I’m trying but it’s difficult. I’m also trying not to become one of those crazy old ladies whose dogs or cats become their lives. I’m thankful I have “my boys”, and those two big, hairy Labs are so nice to come home to and yes, sleep with – but it’s not the same.

So yes, I want my life back. I want my husband back. I don’t like this and I don’t want this.