Dickens said it well

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Dickens really had quite the opening line didn’t he? Kind of describes my year in a nutshell.

2010 holidays were THE worst. Mother’s Day wasn’t quite the same. Father’s Day was painful. Our anniversary brought a wave of emotions that rocked me like no other. Independence Day and fireworks just didn’t seem so spectacular this year. The Cordova Descendent Family Reunion was bittersweet and tears were shed. The hot days of summer were different without him here to take a trip or two to the beach in Mexico for some R&R. His birthday was celebrated in an emotional scattering of ashes in Cholla Bay. Halloween….my favorite fun day. I could always count on him to shake his head and laugh at my usually ridiculous homemade costume but he wasn’t here. Thanksgiving brought a few tears as I worried about making his gravy and hearing our son offer thanks around the table. My birthday was, well, different. The Christmas holiday has been among the most difficult of times. I felt it important to hold tight to the traditions he loved so much. The huge Douglas Fir purchased from the same lot year after year, the same home baked holiday treats, the tamales, the Navarro family boozy eggnog, watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” on Christmas Eve, having all the kids here on Christmas morning and watching their faces as they go through the stockings and open their presents.

Yes, 2010 brought me the worst imaginable moments of my entire life. But it also brought immeasurable joy.

We all lived true to what was most important to him. Family. True and simple. Money, success, material things….they didn’t really matter to him. The thing closest to his heart was the love of family.

2010 holidays were amazing and filled with the love of family. Mother’s Day….my kids made sure I felt loved and appreciated. On Father’s Day we felt the love as we gathered as a family for a King crab leg extravaganza while the Open played in the background. Our anniversary was beautifully acknowledged as I received flowers and a great night out with my two loving girls. Independence Day was a blast as we watched the Dodgers beat the Diamondbacks at Chase Field in Phoenix as guests of the Diamondback organization. The Cordova Descendent Family Reunion was an amazing celebration of the lives and loves created by those who have passed on like Grandpa Raymond, Grandma Lela, Corky, Auntie Toni, Uncle Bob, Buford, my beautiful husband and father of my children Al, and many, many other fabulous family members who are still with us. The hot days of summer meant creating something new as I brought a couple of friends to the beach in Mexico where we celebrated our own lives and friendship playing in the sun and surf. We rejoiced in the familiarity that is Mexico for his birthday as a large family unit all spending a few days in the house on the beach where our daughter Lesley was married and reminisced about good times. Halloween was fun and I felt the love of family and friends as my costume made people shake their heads and laugh. The gravy was replicated, the meal amazing and my entire family gathered around the Thanksgiving table as Marshall offered words of thanks and appreciation over what his father taught him (and all of us); that family is the most important thing in life. My birthday was celebrated with a fun filled night of pizza, beer and family. The Christmas holiday was something to behold. Traditions were upheld and appreciated. Family gathered on both the eve and day of Christmas and it was warm, inviting and full of the love of family. A new family focus for Christmas is in the forefront; that focus is on children. He now has two gorgeous granddaughters and that means two more members of a loving family that will forever be a part of him.

So with just two more milestones ahead in this time of unusual firsts (New Years and the anniversary of his passing), I know I can get through it because he taught us well. Yes, it’s been the best of times, it’s been the worst of times. But the future holds so much promise thanks to what he taught us. The love of family.

A conversation between a father and his daughter

All three of my children have an amazing love for their father and feel the pain of losing him each and every day. Whether it be in the little things like calling his cell and him answering, “Ajax Liquor” or just the familiarity of coming over and seeing him sitting in his chair in front of his giant TV watching golf or Law & Order marathons or the more monumental emptiness of knowing he’s not here to see the milestones his children have reached in their lives.

My daughter Alison and I have talked about seeing a psychic here in Tucson to help ease that emptiness. She actually helped a friend as she was struggling with a huge loss in her life but we haven’t made that happen yet.

Alison and Brad spent last weekend in Sedona, AZ. Many of you know that Sedona seems to be the Mecca for all things metaphysical. Now they didn’t go there to have a vortex experience or to have crystals laid upon them, they went for a relaxing weekend that was somewhat forced upon them by their time share company. (They needed to use a weekend somewhere before the end of the year or else lose the time and since Sedona is an easy drive, well….) While there Alison decided to go ahead and make the leap and sit down with a psychic. They happen to be all over Sedona and Alison and Brad drove past many until she “felt” she had found a location that looked welcoming to her.

After meeting the psychic and telling her where Alison was from and introducing Brad, the psychic began with an invocation “prayer”. The woman closed her eyes and the first thing she did was draw a picture of a pirate hat on a piece of paper. She said the word “pirate” to Alison and then said something about not knowing what that meant, perhaps someone wanted to be a pirate or was a pirate in a past life. Alison knew EXACTLY what it meant. You see, there was a running joke in my family started by Brian, where we called Al, The Pirate. Sometimes when we’d be at family gatherings around the pool at Brian’s or when Al and Bri would go on a trip together and Al would have a few drinks in him, he kinda sounded like a pirate. Brian definitely exaggerated the pirate speech when making fun of Al and it all just stuck over the years. There is absolutely no way this woman could have known anything about that and it was very obvious that Al was showing her that he was there. Alison simply acknowledged by saying that she knew what the pirate reference meant.

The psychic went on to talk about other things in Alison’s life. At one point she felt the need to validate what she was saying to Alison. The psychic said she needed to tell Alison something so Alison would know this is for real. She told Alison that she saw a dog, a two-toned dog that was tan and white. She went on to say this dog pushes a ball all around with his nose. Alison told her they had three dogs. The psychic replied that this is the only dog that does this. Now you should all know that Alison and Brad have a dog named Zero who is a tan and white dog and he is a complete spaz and loves nothing more than pushing a hard plastic ball all over their backyard with his nose. It’s a ball that is impossible to bite and Zero is like a soccer player the way he plays with it. He runs all over the yard using his nose to push and guide the ball. They actually have to take the ball away from him because he rubs his nose raw against the spinning ball. And Zero is the only one of their dogs who plays like this.

One of the last things the psychic said to Alison is that her dad was saying “My baby girl” and then the psychic saw him holding his hand up to his mouth and say “Oops, I’m not supposed to say that.” I can say that Al called his two daughters his babies, often saying my baby girl to each of them. The surgeon who was to operate on Al’s gallbladder but instead ended up giving Al that fatal diagnosis works for the surgeon’s group Alison is employed by. His name is Dr. Sahai. Before Al went to see this particular surgeon for the first time Alison told her father to please not refer to her as his baby girl or anything like that during the appointment. She said that while the surgeon belongs to the group, he didn’t really KNOW Alison and she didn’t want her father to refer to her like that in the business setting. On the day of his appointment with this surgeon, I reminded him not to refer to Alison like that during the appointment.

It’s clear that Al was using this psychic to have a conversation of sorts with his daughter. He needed her to know that he’s here, he’s with her and that he loves her. When Alison called me from Sedona to tell me about the whole experience, I cried. I felt so validated in everything I’ve been feeling. I couldn’t help but wonder over these past 8-9 months if I am so desperate to feel Al’s presence that the signs I receive are really my imagination stretching to it’s limit. But now I know it’s not. It’s all very real. Very spiritual and very real. And very much a show of love.

An interesting little side note. My coworker and I were sitting in a conference room applying labels to over 800 holiday cards….the over 800 physicians affiliated with my hospital. I was telling my coworker about Alison’s experience with the psychic while somewhat blindly and automatically affixing the labels to the envelopes. While talking I realized I had mistakenly applied one of the labels very cockeyed and lifted it off as best I could to reapply it. Who do you think was on that address label? That’s right, Dr. Sahai.

Just a little reassurance

My son Marshall and daughter-in-law Ali are getting ready to have their first child, Ashley Jude Navarro. She was due a couple of days ago and is now in the hospital getting ready to be induced. They've been there all day and I've hung out with them twice today. It's looking like Ashley will make her way in to this world sometime on December 6.

Marshall called me just a little while ago and asked if I would go to his house and pick up their bed pillows and bring them to the hospital. Of course I obliged. So I drove over there in my pajamas and robe, trekked up the stairs, went in and grabbed the pillows so they could be comfortable tonight.

I'm really happy and excited about this birth. It's a beautiful, wonderous thing to welcome a child in to the world and this family needs something beautiful and wonderous. I think we're all starting to get used to Al being gone. I still think about him every single day but I don't cry every day anymore. I know that's a good thing. I also think that he knows that we are accepting of this and understanding that he really is gone and that life moves on. I believe that he came to me so frequently in the first seven months after his death to help me. He knew I wasn't grieving properly, that I was holding back. I was holding back and putting up a front. Over the past month or so I've cried more openly in my home and been more open about grieving. But with that acceptance comes a price. My signs from Al are less frequent. I think he feels better about where I am emotionally and is letting me move on a little.

But he gave me a gift tonight. As I was turning out the lights in Marshall's home, I turned towards the kitchen and caught sight of the clock on the stove. It was 11:11 ~ a huge wave of emotion took me over. It was different than the earlier days when I'd happen to catch a glimpse of the time at just the right moment. Those 11:11's felt different. This one gave me a definite physical feeling within my body. I cried as it rose up within my body. It was such a strong feeling of love. I know it was Al letting me know that he'll be with us for the birth of this baby. He'll be right by our sides welcoming her in to this world. He wouldn't miss the birth of his son's baby. Al and Marshall had an extremely tight bond and there is no way in hell Al's going to miss this. And he wanted us to know that.