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Monday, April 18, 2011

Beauty in the Small Things

It’s hard to appreciate the dark moments, those times when we feel most vulnerable, when we wonder how we’re going to pull ourselves out of the abyss we’ve fallen into.

I felt myself falling the other night and all I found at the bottom was a quagmire of sorrow, fear and self-pity. I allowed myself to wallow in it for a little while since there was no escaping it.

But you know what I found in the morning when I opened my eyes? Well, besides a big yellow lab snoring next to me and a big black lab dancing on his feet by the side of my bed waiting to be fed. I found that what comes with a new day is a new perspective. And then you appreciate the little things, no matter how minute they may seem on a grander scale.

So on that Sunday morning, that one beautiful Sunday morning at 6:20AM (Thank you sooooo much for letting me sleep in Sylus), I found beauty:
• I opened my eyes and was greeted by two extremely happy dogs.
• I made them even happier by feeding them.
• I went out in my backyard and heard birds singing and watched the dogs chase a lizard.
• The giant saguaro cactus in my backyard has been a host for countless cactus wren families and I’m pretty sure I heard the screeching of babies inside my cactus.
• Ahhh, I live in Tucson!
• Coffee. What a sad place the world would be without it. The aroma alone is sent from the gods.
• My morning newspaper. It’s a ritual and the day doesn’t feel right if I don’t start it by reading the paper.
• My home. I love my house. Not for the physicality of it but because it’s a home. It’s where my family grew up.
• My pictures. While just the night before, those pictures threw me in to that abyss, this morning they lift me up and put a smile on my face.
• The painting in my hall that was given to me by a friend. The first time Al and I saw a copy in some little store we laughed and said that it totally represents us.
• Picking up dog poop. That’s right, I said it. I have a backyard, I have dogs and that means I have happiness only brought to a person by a dog.
• My children – they’re grown with lives of their own but they bring me such joy and happiness. Seeing their faces can completely make my day.
• The laughter of the kids next door. There’s nothing like a child’s honest and heartfelt laugh.
• I’m alive. I’m here to live another day. To have a future, to have meaning. To make others happy.

When It’s Darkest, Men See the Stars.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Only when life is difficult, are we challenged to become our greatest selves.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I Want My Fucking Mulligan

Granted, a lot of this is the wine and the Sudafed talking but DAMN, I miss him. How am I supposed to get through the rest of my life? I am so incredibly sad. I know I hide it well. It’s been a fucking year. On the surface everyone thinks I’m sooooo strong and have it sooooo together. And I think on a day to day basis and for the most part, I am and I do. Al would be proud of me.

But what people don’t see is the real me, the me that feels so abandoned. So incredibly alone. I let you think I’m good and that I’ve got a handle on this. Sure, I’m ready to move forward. But what you don’t know is that it’s all a façade. I know, a year. I should be in a different place now. But I have weak moments like you have weak moments. Except my weak moments can’t be fixed with a kind word and a gentle touch. Because you see…there is no one there to offer that kind word and gentle touch. It's probably a good thing I don't believe in God & Jesus (don't judge until you've walked a mile in my shoes) because this whole experience would surely turn me away from that blind faith.

I feel angry. Angry that this is who I’ve become. This is NOT supposed to be the way my life plays out. I’m not angry at Al. He pushed beyond what any normal man would have done to live his last years with me. He was in constant pain and he pushed past it as best he could to give us some semblance of a normal life. He worked, standing on legs that wanted nothing more than to crumble under the weight of his body. He withstood long, painful hours working at a job he didn’t enjoy just to pay the bills.

Now he’s gone and I struggle. I’m barely paying the bills. I’m barely getting through this. It would be so easy to give up and give in. But that’s not what my husband did. He persevered. And so will I.

I look at his picture and I can’t quite believe that’s all I have left of his face. Pictures. What should I do? Put away all the pictures so it doesn’t hurt so much?

I don’t know how much longer I can do this. Yeah, no. I’m not thinking THAT way. I just feel so empty. You know how they say there’s no handbook on raising your children. You just do it and you learn as you go. Much like that, there’s no handbook on learning to live your life after your love dies. What do I do now? I hate this. It’s not fair. It’s not right. I want a do-over. A mulligan. Where’s my mulligan?

Friday, April 15, 2011

Arrrrrr!

So many similarities in our lives yet worlds apart. On the surface it would appear that there is only one reason we’ve become friends. Plain and simple, we’re both recent widows. After all, she still has a child living at home. She is way younger than me. She has lived a different life than me.

But a friendship has definitely developed. We’ve helped each other in ways that are hard to describe. We can both say things out loud to each other that we wouldn’t say to anyone else and we know there is no judgment. I think we both feel that our husbands brought us together as if they knew we could help one another.

We met for dinner last night and then went to see a ridiculous, fun musical theatre show. We laughed a lot and forgot the troubles of the day. The Curse of the Pirate's Gold….perfect. It sure felt like Al was there with me last night as the corny jokes flew left and right and all those salty “Arrrr”s from the pirates made me smile from within. Yep, my pirate was there sitting by my side.

Not too long ago my friend and I thought we’d try something different and went to see a screening of West Side Story. We discovered it was a “sing-a-long” and figured what the hell, let’s just go. We realized we were in trouble when they handed out glow sticks at the door. When the first bars of music played as the lights went down, there was a sea of different colored glow sticks waving in the air! We tried hard to hold our laughter in as those seated around us sang their hearts out to all the numbers. It felt like some kind of rave in a parallel universe of dorky, “interesting” people!

As we left that night and laughed about the crazy people we had just escaped from, we talked about how neither of our husbands would EVER have been dragged to something like that, we both felt it. Al and her James sitting together, side by side, looking down at us as they nudged each other, both laughingly saying “Get a load of that crap!” “No way in hell would we have gone to that!”

We both left the parking lot to go our separate ways, both of us smiling and feeling the love those men still surround us with.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

It's a Shame About the Weather

It’s been a good couple of weeks and I’ve been feeling better than ever. I’m taking care of myself and staying super busy. Busy not just in a purposeful effort to push away the sadness and loneliness though I will admit that is part of it. But it’s also part of the natural evolution of my life. I won’t say I prefer this life but I am learning to enjoy it.

Thoughts and memories of Al don’t consume me any more. I actually go days without tears welling up in my eyes when I think of him. In fact, I feel guilty when I realize that I actually go days without thinking of him at all. Well, that’s not actually true. I live in our home, I touch everything he touched daily, I sleep in our bed, I sit in his chair, I wear his robe every morning so I think of him every day but I don’t THINK of him.

And just when I acknowledge to myself how well I’m doing something hits me. And it hits me hard. I had drinks with two of my friends from work tonight and we had fun just hanging out and letting loose over half price martinis. Listening to the radio on my drive home, the new Zac Brown Band song Colder Weather came on the radio. I’ve heard it so many times before and sang along like the fool I can be when alone in my car with the windows rolled up. While the last few lyrics are certainly familiar, tonight they knocked the wind from my lungs and brought an unexpected mournful sob from my mouth instead of words.

And when I close my eyes I see you
No matter where I am
I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines
I’m with your ghost again
It’s a shame about the weather
I know soon we’ll be together
And I can’t wait till then
I can’t wait till then.