I'm not like you and that's ok

For most of my life, I've felt disconnected to some degree. Disconnected in that I could never relate to the general masses who prayed, went to church and felt a bond with "God." I tried, oh how I tried. Both of my parents were baptized Catholic and they made sure both of my sisters were baptized Catholic as well. But when it came to me, my mom explains that they wanted to give me a choice. So I grew up a child of sin, one who was never "freed of original sin." I was allowed to explore religion as much as a child in the 60s & 70s was able. I often went to a Presbyterian church with my across the street neighbors, the Estabrooks. But really, we went to Sunday school while the adults were in church. Sitting in Sunday school coloring pictures of Jesus and singing songs was about as close as I came to the Presbyterian religion. A few years later I began to explore the Catholic religion. My best friend and her mom went to Wednesday night mass and I started tagging along. I loved the Catholic church. But not like you'd think. It wasn't the teachings or praying that I loved. I loved the physicial part of the church. The paintings, the sculptures, the beauty of the traditions. I didn't quite understand why I didn't feel what others felt.

Life went on, I grew up, got married, had babies and still no connection to "God." I never felt that I was missing something since my husband had lost his connection to his religion as well. Church and praying weren't a part of our lives. The only time we prayed was at our Thanksgiving meal. It was a simple prayer led by Al and it was more obligatory than anything else.

Interestingly enough, Al & I baptized our two oldest kids, Marshall and Alison in the Catholic church. But when Lesley was a baby we somehow made a choice not to baptize her. Weird. It wasn't intentional but it was exactly like what happened with me. We wanted to give her a choice since religion and church didn't play a part in our lives, it felt somewhat hypocritical to baptize her.

Many years later I learned a few general things about Hindu and Buddhist religions. Not enough to understand it and truthfully, I didn't care to explore them. I wasn't searching to belong to anything. I came to realize that I actually DID believe in a higher power. I knew there was something after death, that our loved ones surround us after death and that karma and what we do and who we become in our lives has something to do with our destiny.

I never knew how to express this. I felt like an outsider when people talked about their God and Jesus and the bible. I hate how many Christians look down upon those who believe differently, that anyone who doesn't accept Jesus as their lord and savior will go to hell and be left behind. I always felt it was better to keep my mouth shut and just smile when people talked about those kinds of things.

When Al was told he was dying and he made the decision to go to Hospice, he reconnected with his Catholic faith. He needed something to hold on to, to know he would live on somehow. I'm so happy he did that because it was something he needed at the end. Not long after, I found something that confirmed my own spirituality. Not what you think, I didn't find God. I read a book. A beautiful book, a book that spoke VOLUMES to me. What Dreams May Come. Finally, something that felt in tune with me. I'll treasure that book forever.

As Al was dying, a Catholic priest came in the room and delivered Last Rites. Al's family surrounded him as he lay in the bed just hours away from his final breath. I bowed my head and held my husband as the priest recited the prayers. The love in the room was undeniable. The love Al's family have for him, the love he had for all of us and a spiritual connection for everyone in the room. I know we all felt it - just in different forms and fashions. Al and I connected on a different level than he connected with his children, father, sisters and nephews and their families. But nonetheless, we all connected. Isn't that what it's all about?

I'm thankful my mom consciously made that decision 50 years ago for she allowed me to decide my own spirituality. I'm thankful my husband understood and respected my beliefs. I'm thankful I had 32 years with that man. I need to remember that I had something many people never achieve. A soul mate, a shared love, a lifetime love. And I'm thankful that our somewhat shared yet very different beliefs will allow us to see each other again. Maybe not the way many of you grew up thinking and believing, but Al and I will meet again. I'm confident of that.