Coming up on 3 months

June 13 will be the 3 month anniversary of Al's passing. It's hard to say death or died. Those words are hard to say, they don't feel so warm coming out of my mouth. Thinking of it as him passing or passed on feels much better. I still find it hard to believe. Wonder how long that will last.

I can't say I'm in a better place with my grief though. I still don't deal with it. It's easier to push past it than experience it. I know this is wrong but letting go is scary.

My daughter Lesley sent me a text today that she was sad because one of her coworkers told her that they made homemade split pea soup. That was one of Al's specialties. He made amazing split pea soup. It was always something he would make during the winter and he'd make it when I was at work so I don't really know his recipe or his method. I'm going to try to make it though. Just as soon as the summer is over 'cuz it's too damn hot for it right now.

Summer. Al loved summer as much as I do, especially when the monsoons would arrive. For as long as I can remember our entire family would go outside during afternoon storms and sit on the front porch enjoying the cool air and crazy show. It's going to be bittersweet when that first storm rolls in. Everything about summer is Al to me. Hot weather, cooking on the BBQ, storms, trips to Mexico, sitting on the front porch drinking a cooler (Hansens grapefruit soda, vodka and the juice of a half an orange) and turning up Rickie full blast. Rickie Lee Jones, in some ways the music of Al's life. He loved lots of music - grew up in the 60's and liked to call himself a hippie. Long hair, pot smoking, VW bug driving hippie. He loved the Rolling Stones "Sympathy for the Devil" like no other. But like all of us, he mellowed out over the years and went through many music phases. But when he discovered Rickie Lee Jones so many years ago, she stayed in his heart forever. Rickie has become more than an amazing artist for "the Arizona Navarro's" as Al liked to call us. Her music is Al. In fact, her music played in Al's room in Hospice constantly and filled the room as he passed. A very special Rickie song played during his memorial service and was printed in his memorial program.


The Horses
by Rickie Lee Jones

We will fly way up high

Where the cold wind blows

Or in the sun, laughing and having fun

With the people that she knows

And if the situation should keep us separated

You know the world won't fall apart

And you will free the beautiful bird

That's caught inside your heart



Can't you hear her?

Oh she cries so loud

Casts her wild note

Over water and cloud



That's the way it's gonna be, little darlin'

We'll be riding on the horses, yeah

Way up in the sky, little darlin'

And if you fall I'll pick you up, pick you up



You will grow, and until you goI

'll be right there by your side

And even then, whisper the wind

And she will carry up your ride

I hear all the people of the world

In a little bird's lonely cry

See them trying every way they know how

To make their spirits fly



Can't you see him?

He's down on the ground

He has a broken wing

Looking all around



That's the way it's gonna be, little darlin'

You'll be riding on the horses, yeah

Way up in the sky, little darlin'

And if you fall I'll pick you up, pick you up



Don't worry 'bout a thing little girl

Because I was young myself not so long ago

And when I was young, when I was young

And when I was young, oh I was a wild, wild one.