Green Corn Tamales, That Distinctive Voice and a Little Visitor

Just when I think this blog has served it's purpose and it's time to put it to rest, I feel the need to bring it to the surface again. It appears I still feel the need to write and share a few things. I know I've gotten really lazy about sharing my feelings but perhaps it's not laziness, it's actually that I struggle to figure out exactly WHAT I feel. So while I continue to figure out who I am and what direction to take my life, today's events are worth mentioning.

In less than a week, we'll be celebrating my husband's birthday and a trip to visit family in California is in order. Now that I've kind of rediscovered my blog, I'm sure I'll write about that soon. But this post is about a family tradition and how Al made his presence known.

My daughter Alison and I spent the day today with two friends prepping the corn to make green corn tamales. It's a lot of work that starts with carefully shucking the corn and saving the husks, flicking the nasty worms from the field corn and shedding the silk, washing the corn and finally cutting all the kernels from the cobs. 16 dozen ears! While it truly is a huge amount of work, it's a tradition in my family. One that Al loved and actually expected me to do every year. He and I used to do it together before my daughters took an interest in learning how to do it.

So midway through shucking the corn in my daughter's backyard I looked up and stared in to the house. Alison asked what was wrong and I told her that it was probably the radio or something but I could have sworn I heard Al call my name. He used to call me from another room when he wanted something. It was a distinctive "Kathy!" that was instantly recognizable. I kind of laughed it off but Alison and our friends said it could be Al letting us know he was there since we were making tamales. I thought....maybe but it's really been a long time since he's made his presence known so I silently chalked it up to my imagination.

But then a short time later we looked up at the frame over the sliding glass door and there it was. A Praying Mantis. Just watching over us. Now you may not know this but praying mantises have a spiritual meaning. If you've read this blog from the beginning, I wrote about them early on when I was visited by two different mantises on two consecutive nights and just what their visit meant.



http://whoanellio.blogspot.com/2010/10/lovelybug-symbolism-for-someone-who.html

And finally, when we finished for the day Alison and I went shopping for the rest of our ingredients so we can all gather again tomorrow. We looked at each other and instantly heard it..."Well it's a marvelous night for a Moondance, with the stars up above in your eyes...." One of Al's songs, one of the really meaningful songs in our lives since he left us, and the final sign that he was hanging out with us today.

Nice to hear from you again, honey. It's been too long.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lFxGBB4UGU

The DDD Club

Some holidays are just weird for me now. Father's Day is one of them. I lost my own father a few years ago and he was a pretty amazing guy. And of course, I lost my own husband, the father to my children which makes today just a little more sad for me. But I've got a few comrades who join me in this odd place today and to you I say I'm here for you my sisters and brothers!

So rather than sit here and feel sad and displaced, I'm meeting a few of them for lunch and cocktails as we celebrate Dead Dad's Day. Morbid you say? I don't think so. It makes me laugh because it's just the kind of humor both my dad and husband would have appreciated.

Raise your glass, whether it be iced tea, beer, a shot or water.....here's to them.

Rickie Lee Jones and the Devil

If you’ve read my blog before you know how instrumental Rickie Lee Jones’ music is to my life. One of my favorite memories of Al is coming home from work and finding Al on our big front porch kicking back on one of the Adirondacks wearing shorts/no shirt, a “cooler” in his hand, sometimes a little uuhhhh… a little j in an ashtray, the windows to the living room wide open and Rickie blaring on the stereo.  Weasel and the White Boys Cool, We Belong Together, Coolsville, Last Chance Texaco and The Horses. Oh, The Horses.

Her music played throughout our lives and my kids grew up listening to her. When Al went to hospice, her music played continuously in his room and he passed away as The Horses played in the background. That song became incredibly important to me and the words were printed in Al's memorial program and played during his service.

I periodically check on Rickie's tour schedule and was excited to see she'd be in Phoenix. I asked my kids if they were interested in going up with me. Sadly Marshall was unable but Alison and Lesley were able and excited to go.

I got off work early on the day of the concert and as I was driving home I was thinking about Al and how happy he would have been to go see her and how he must be really pleased that we were doing this. At that moment the song When I Get Where I'm Going by Brad Paisley & Dolly Parton came on the radio. The words to that song were also printed in Al's program and the song played during his service. I felt like it was a message. Just then Alison called me to say she'd been thinking about her dad and the concert and heard that song come on the radio.

We had planned to arrive a little early and prepared a envelope with a note to Rickie along with Al's memorial program, asking if she'd sign the program. Unfortunately we misread the concert information and mistook the concert start time for the door opening time. So we were late. Crap. But only by a little more than five minutes. We were in the 2nd row and Rickie sat no more than 20 feet in front of us. Her show was incredible and despite warnings to ourselves that she probably didn't sound the same, she sounded exactly like she does on her CDs. It was hard not to cry at times during the concert; at one time Lesley and I turned to look at each other and we both had tears streaming down our faces.

The last song she played was not one of her own and I've never heard her sing it. In fact it was one of Al's all time favorite songs. Sympathy for the Devil by The Rolling Stones. Seriously. How wonderful and amazing; I know he was there in the room. What an incredible ending and so meaningful for us.

After the show we gave the envelope to the house manager of the concert venue who said he'd give it to Rickie's manager so we waited a bit but there was not response. Turns out she and her manager had already left. But it's okay because the important thing is that we got to see her and listen to her live and Al was with us.

At one point as we were approaching home my girls and I managed to look at the clock in my car and of course, it was 11:11pm. And what's even more interesting is that I have a friend who is very connected psychically and spiritually and at that same time she looked at her clock and thought of us. I have no doubt she was sensing Al's presence and his pleasure at how the night had gone.

Branching Out

There really wasn't any choice in the matter. It was either get out and meet new people or sit at home, eat crappy junk food, drink a bottle of wine every night and become a depressed hermit. I like option A.

Because 30 plus years ago I gave everything I had to my family as a wife and mother I didn't really cultivate friendships. It never seemed important to me for some reason until I became a widow. And now that I'm a couple of years in to this weird place in my life I'm finding that I crave female friendship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not such an introvert that I have no girlfriends at all, it's just that I don't have any SUPER close ones. I love meeting my friends for dinner or happy hour or what have you. But I also find that women my age are often at a point in their lives where they are able to spend more quality time with their spouses now that their children are on their own and they rightfully take advantage of it.

So it becomes a bit of a struggle for me. I wholeheartedly love and relate to my friends in their 30s and 40s and have a ball hanging out with them but I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me that I prefer to spend time with friends who are younger than me? Nothing? Something? Maybe I need a little psychoanalyzing, huh?

Crazy or not, I actually AM branching out. Over the past couple of months I've been doing more things outside of my comfort zone and meeting new people. Recently I attended a Yelp event on 4th Ave where I knew no one. Not a single soul. But I had a ball and will be doing another such event next week (perks to being Yelp Elite) at a local specialty wine shop. And just last night I went to my neighbor's house (who I really don't know well at all) for a product party. And again, I knew no one. And again, I had a ball!

So somewhat like a tree coming out of a long winter ~ I'm branching out.

Points of Light

Driving to work this morning I kept catching little flashes of light out of the corner of my eye. NOT red and blue flashes...I was driving the speed limit! Any way, it happened frequently and was very unusual. Not like the usual obvious reflections we all catch, these were different. It was almost as if they were dancing and playful if that makes any sense. The first ones were in my neighborhood and then along a bend in the road where I caught three in a row in fairly quick succession. It was as if light was reflected off a mirror or shiny object for just a moment. A couple more along the way and the last one was as I approached work.

I started to think maybe I was having a vision or nerve problem for a second but I feel absolutely fine and I believe nothing could be wrong with me. I thought for a moment that maybe it was a sign of love from beyond but thought nah, it's been a while since I've had anything like that. I chalked it up to the gorgeous Arizona sun, car windows, tile on buildings, etc.

And a couple of hours later I knew that it was a little message of love when I caught the 11:11 that I really never see anymore.

He's not here often anymore but he was here today. I feel it in my heart.

To You Hon, Always and Forever

My December Journey

30 Days of Giving – Dec 1:  Bought 4 chicken tender strips at Fry’s and gave them to a homeless man sitting outside on a bench with all his belongings in a grocery cart.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 2: Stopped at Sprouts and picked up a small bunch of sunflowers along with my produce and then hit Starbucks for some green tea. They're always so incredibly nice & friendly at the Starbucks drive-thru. Guess who got the sunflowers?

30 Days of Giving - Dec 3: Recently attended a cardmaking "workshop" so I took all my non-glittery Christmas type cards (as per specs from WRMC) from that and wrote a heartfelt message of hope, thanks and recovery then sent them off to Walter Reed Medical Center to brighten a service member's day.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 4: Giving doesn’t have to cost a thing. It can be a kind word or hug when someone’s down or as simple as today’s “gift.” An employee in a neighboring office had to get to an event and her car battery died. She’s now enjoying her luncheon event and I got a little breather from my day.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 5: Picked up the cutest little live poinsettia plant in what must be a 2 inch pot and left it at a public bus stop on the bench with a note that said, "If you found this, enjoy! Happy holidays."

30 Days of Giving - Dec 6: One of the easiest ways to give - volunteer. Our Children's Miracle Network Radiothon on 94.9 MIXFM is taking place today & tomorrow and I've been here since 5:15AM.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 7: Unexpected emotions as I just made an online donation to Honor Flight Tucson in memory of my dad Jack B Guinn, a WWII vet.
http://honorflightsaz.org/

30 Days of Giving - Dec 8: I don't really care if it goes to beer, cigarettes, rot-gut whiskey, a hooker or whatever, he had nothing and I had cash.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 9: Gave the gift of time to a harried mother with a cranky, tired kid today in Wal-Mart when I told her I'd pull her basket through the line behind me so she could take her daughter to the restroom. She was even happier when I told her to get in line ahead of me. I actually think it may have been a gift for all of us in line.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 10: It's not much today but I made a huge pot of ham, potato & broccoli soup yesterday and brought a Tupperware container to each of my kids today to share with their families.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 11: Getting ready to head out to meet my work team at an elementary school on Tucson's south side where we'll be fitting and giving bike helmets away to all the students. A few hours of "work" there and then off to a holiday lunch and white elephant gift exchange. Double giving today! LOL

30 Days of Giving - Dec 12: I really appreciate the people I work with day in and day out. If I'm gonna spend so much time here, at least it's with good people. They each got a little homemade deliciousness from me today. Thanks team!

30 Days of Giving - Dec 13: My networking group, The Beta Group (Tucson) is having our annual holiday luncheon today and each of us is bringing unwrapped gifts for the children at Primavera. Hoping to put a smile on a few kids' faces.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 14: I feel so helpless, so hopeless on this tragic day and am desperate to help and ease the pain even in a small way. I just made a donation and encourage anyone searching for a way to help to do the same.
http://www.newtownyouthandfamilyservices.org/index.php

30 Days of Giving - Dec 15: Gave the gift of a few hours of uninterrupted Christmas shopping to my daughter and son-in-law this evening as I took care of the kids. After yesterday's ugliness I think this may have been a gift to myself as well.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 16: Gave a little gift of enlightenment yesterday. I let someone off the hook and I feel somewhat liberated and empowered. Just more evidence that giving does something for both the receiver and the giver.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 17: Left a little bag of home baked Christmas treats and a note on top of my garbage can when I wheeled it to the street late last night. It's still there this morning....hoping it stays until the trash man comes to get my trash this morning.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 18: Went to a thrift store during my lunch (Speedway Outlet is A-mazing) and purchased several blankets and towels (items on their wish list) and then took them over to Hope Animal Shelter, a local non-profit no-kill cat/dog shelter.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 19: Hope that nice, young Salvation Army bell ringer has a sweet tooth. Gave her a Whitman Sampler on my way out of the grocery store tonight.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 20: Picked up 4 generic Christmas cards, signed them "A random greeting from a random person" along with a nice little wish for them, wrote "For you" on the envelope and left one under the windshield wiper of 4 different cars.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 21: Bought 6 Christmas-y board books at the dollar store, put each in a festive, shiny bag and walked in to our children’s ER where there just happened to be 5 little ones waiting to be seen. Handed one to each child or parent and told them I hope they feel better soon.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 22: Busy, busy day. Babysitting for a good chunk of the day and then shopping only to get home at 10pm so it's a bit of a fail today. It's quite a stretch and all I've got but I at least gave a family the chance to know what happened to their beloved pet when I called Animal Control to have them pick up a pretty little cat laying dead in the middle of Ina Rd. At least there will be a record of this cat/location in the book of dead animals that were picked up in their front office. Sadly I've had to check that book a few times. Like I said...this entry is a stretch.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 23: Crazy countdown rush and I forgot to post yesterday's giving. Had a little Mylar snowman balloon on a stick in my car yesterday and saw a little one so obviously tired of shopping. Approached mom trying to get her child in the car and asked if she could have the balloon. No more fussing and she willingly got in the car.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 24: Got so caught up in my own thing that I've let this slide a bit! Let's see - Dec 24 I bought 4 pairs of men's white athletic/work socks and while shopping I only managed to give one pair away to a guy standing at an intersection asking for money. I really MEANT to give them all out but the rest got buried on my front seat during my shopping frenzy.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 25: Sounds like a cop-out to use Christmas gift giving as one of my "gifts" but it really isn't. I work so hard to make Christmas morning fun and memorable. Everyone comes over in the morning at a pre-arranged time and there's good breakfast stuff and coffee. Then on to the living room where everyone goes for their stockings that are filled to the brim with little treats, toys and strange things (and a tangerine/cutie and nuts in the shell!!). That takes a good 10 minutes and then the crazy chaos begins. So while I could just say I gave gifts on Dec 25 what I really gave were irreplaceable memories and traditions.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 26: Brought tamales and beans in to work to share with my coworkers so I guess I gave them lunch. The week between Christmas and New Year’s is typically really slow so I thought the few of us there this week might enjoy them.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 27: It was freezing cold and raining this afternoon when I stopped at Sprouts for a few things on my way home. I ran across the parking lot to return my cart to the store and while hurrying back to the warmth of my vehicle, an older woman (older than me!) was opening her trunk to put her groceries in and was getting pretty wet in the process. I said, "Here, let me help." and quickly grabbed a few bags and put them in her trunk. It was kind of an odd moment but it warmed us both just a little.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 28: Bought five $1 AZ Lottery scratchers last night and just handed them all out to random employees on my way to the cafeteria for lunch. That was fun!

30 Days of Giving - Dec 29: Had a coupon for a free Fry's rotisserie chicken in my purse when I ran to the store this evening to get some cheese for my Texas chili (ALL the Navarros are chili-making fools now that we've got our hands on some American Meat Market hot chorizo!!). Anyway, a guy who looked like he'd been working hard all day was checking the chickens out so I gave him my coupon and told him it was on me.

30 Days of Giving - Dec 30: Took several dollars worth of pennies from my coin crock and dropped them as I walked the path of the Christina-Taylor Green Memorial River Park. Hoping this brings some excitement to a little one taking a family walk along the CDO wash tomorrow morning. **Thanks for joining me on this one Lesley Young

30 Days of Giving – Wrap Up: Day 30 of my 30 day experiment has come and gone so there is no outward, obvious gift to others on this last day of 2012. I started this personal challenge to give in some way for 30 consecutive days in an effort to possibly influence others and elicit a change within myself. I wasn’t looking for praise or “likes” but more to hopefully make you (and me!) think for a minute about how easy it is to be giving and thoughtful. In this world that has proven to sometimes be so hateful and violent, maybe we can all work towards a kinder, gentler 2013. 

30 Days of Thanks - Day 30

Nov 30 - Day 30

On this 53^rd celebration of my birth I’m thankful for so much. This reflective journey I’ve been on for the past 30 days has lifted me up and made me aware of all the good on our earth.  While it can be a cold and cruel world at times, if you look deep enough you’ll find the warmth and love.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to wish me a happy birthday, it was an amazing day and I look forward to what my life and the years ahead of me have to offer.

I’m thankful to those people in my life who will always be there. I’m thankful to those in my life who will leave at some point for whatever reason lies ahead, I’m thankful to those who have already left and those who have yet to cross my path. I’m me because of you.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 29

Nov 29 - Day 29

I’m proud to say that a good deal of my patience, tolerance and acceptance of others is due to my mother’s influence.  Like most kids I really didn’t appreciate her when I was growing up. Not to say I didn’t love her it’s just that as a kid, she was just my mom. But as I became a wife and mother I realized how important her influence has been in my life.

When my husband was dying, she couldn’t come out here because of a medical issue she was going through at the time. I’ll never forget when I told her we were moving Al to hospice. We cried together over the phone as I let my feelings and fears out to her. I could actually feel her hug and the ache she felt from not being able to hold me from almost 500 miles away.

My mom is on a cruise ship right now somewhere in the Hawaiian Islands getting ready to embark back across the Pacific Ocean to her home in California. Those same waters I spent so much of my youth in as my parents, sisters and I sailed the waters in and around Long Beach, CA and Catalina Island. For whatever reason she has been on my mind today, perhaps because my birthday is tomorrow and it’s natural to think about the woman who gave birth to me and raised me. I’m incredibly thankful to have her as my mother and wish her a safe journey back home.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 28

Nov 28 - Day 28

Remember when times were simpler and you didn’t have a care in the world? If you’re like me it was when you were a child because the complications usually start for us in our teen years and only multiple from there.

Summer vacations in my family meant a two-week break and the whole family would load up the car and head to Clear Lake, CA to spend time with my grandpa who lived in a big old, rambling 3-story “cabin”. My sisters and I would spend our days walking down the dirt & gravel road to the little general store for candy, bottles of Squirt (real glass bottles) and post cards; jumping off the little pier , swimming out to the wooden, floating deck to sun ourselves; playing games and cards and exploring the countryside and feeding  the deer.  TV? Nah. Video games? Nah. Like I said, simpler times. I’m so thankful I know those times and wish today’s kids did. The days where you played outside all day, drank from hoses, listened to our parents, and grew up with a little more innocence.

I'm so grateful for the memories I have and the time I grew up in.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 27

Nov 27 – Day 27

I’ve got two great big, loving dogs – Raider, a 100 pound yellow Lab and Sylus, a 95 pound black Lab – that greet me each day. We got Raider a few months after our 13-year old Golden Retriever died. He was a papered AKC pup we purchased here in Tucson who, it turned out had a very severe case of hip dysplasia. Sylus was a pound pup by son and his then girlfriend picked up when they lived in Flagstaff and through their break-up a few years later, ended up in Marshall’s custody and finally in my home as my son was moving and finding his way.

Well, these boys are getting along in years – Ray is 10 and Sy…..well, I’d say 11 or so. Along with the obvious whitening of the facial hair and a general slowing down, comes a few other issues known for older dogs. Fatty tumors. Ray has one over each front leg joint and they’re starting to change the way he walks. Sy has been luckier and just has a small one. I can’t bear to think of the day when one or both are no longer here.

These boys are my constant companions and follow me throughout the house. They both sleep with me, my home is covered in dog hair, they (Sy actually, Raider is typically silent) bark out in the backyard too much in the mornings as coyotes start moving about and the neighborhood starts to wake up, and my life is so enriched because of them. I’m so thankful for these two and the happiness and love they exhibit every single day.  Even though they’re old…they cost me a lot of money in vet bills and prescriptions….they shed constantly….they smell and fart….they beg….they get in my way. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 26

Nov 26 – Day 26

 

Today I am thankful to be fairly proficient in the use of Google, Snopes, Urbanlegends and various internet sites. I wish more people were. I wrote my rant about all the crap, fake pictures and misinformation people post and then I hit that glorious delete button. So today’s a two-for because I’m thankful for the delete button too.

This is not a negative thanks aimed at anyone in particular. I’m just thankful I know how to do my research and that such sites exist.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 25

Nov 25 – Day 25

Kinda feels like we’ve been given the gift of an extra week since Thanksgiving fell early this year.  I don’t feel the mad rush (yet) that I often feel once Black Friday hits. I’ve accomplished quite a bit for me. I’ve started the homemade Christmas gifts I’ll be giving to friends/coworkers/neighbors, I’ve done a decent amount of Christmas gift shopping (still have a long way to go though), I’ve started looking for Christmas cards, I’ve decked the halls (indoor only….my son will be here during the week to help get the outdoor lights up) and already purchased the birthday gift for one granddaughter (two December birthdays for the girls). In my world, this is amazing and I qualify as a time genie/organizer extraordinaire.

Stepping outside the thankful thing for a sec to acknowledge a little bit of sadness today. While I haven’t “cried” in months (hallelujah, it’s only taken two and a half years to feel like I’m moving on and not dwelling on missing him), when I finished putting up all the indoor decorations I was hit by a sudden wave of sadness. Al really loved Christmas and decorating the house and the indoor lights & tree were ϋber special to him. And why in the hell I listen to country music at times like this is beyond me. Just a brief moment but like I said, I need to acknowledge it. For me.

So I’m thankful for this little gift of time, this extra week. I know it doesn’t really exist, but in my non-planning/last minute shopper head it does.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 24

Nov 24 - Day 24

Simple indulgences and simple pleasures can turn an ordinary day around and today was one of those days.  My daughter called and asked me to go get a pedicure with her while her husband watched their two children. I was in the middle of pulling out all my Christmas decorations and I had garland and lights strewn across the living room floor but a pedicure? Why not?! She called her sister who met us and we sat in the pedicure chairs with our feet soaking in blue water, laughing at the completely aggressive massage chairs and catching up with each other.

I’m thankful for things like pedicures, shopping, lunches and girl talk.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 23

Nov 23 – Day 23

Lining up in the dark cold with hundreds /thousands of other fools at 3 or 4AM, sipping coffee, laughing and sharing stories all to join the stampede when the doors open at 5AM for Black Friday. It’s really a lot of fun and if you are looking for a few specific things, it’s totally worthwhile.

But this year? Not so much. I feel that some of the major retailers took a lot of the fun and excitement out of Black Friday by either opening their doors and offering “Black Friday” deals on Thanksgiving evening or by releasing them early online. Just more proof that all our holidays are becoming more and more commercialized. Those poor Target and Wal-Mart employees that had to interrupt or completely forgo their family celebrations and report to work.

It just wasn’t working out for me to do the Black Friday shopping this year and then my daughter called me at 10:30pm and convinced me to hit our local Target with her. The entire parking lot was full and most of the door busters were gone but there were still a few deals to be found. And I’m guilty of snagging an online door buster on Thanksgiving for myself.

I’m thankful for the fun, excitement and deals of Black Friday and that I'm healthy enough and able to participate but wish it would go back to FRIDAY.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 22

Nov 22 – Day 22

Thanksgiving – the day where we truly pause and think about everything we are thankful for. I’m on this little 30 day mission to remind myself (and hopefully others) of the little things we need to be grateful for. So on this original day of thanks I offer you this.

I am thankful for my family. Without them, I am nothing.  For my parents and siblings who shaped me in my formative years, my grandparents and extended family for the part they played, every teacher and friend who pushed me along the path to adulthood.  For my coworkers, friends and acquaintances for the friendship, tolerance and teachings.

For my husband who I shared an amazing life with and a love I don’t think I’ll ever know again. For my husband’s family( which seems really silly to word that way because they are MY family) and the lifetime we’ve shared and the love that has been shown to me, for my two son-in- laws and daughter-in-law for making my children so happy and making their lives what they are today. For my granddaughters and grandson for the joy, laughter, love and silliness they bring to the world.

And finally, for my three children. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about each and every one of you. My world revolved around you for so long and I hope you know that my life would be nothing had it not been for you. Your love and friendship carries me through and I will always be here for you, no matter what. As we all move forward in our lives, I’m gonna make you smile, piss you off, make you worry, make you laugh but I’m gonna love you and you’re gonna love me. And isn’t that what we’re all about?  Thankful doesn’t even begin to describe it.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 21

Nov 21 – Day 21

I commute just about 18 miles each way to work which during rush hour takes about 40 minutes each way. Having grown up in the Los Angeles area I know this is nothing. And I really don’t mind the commute at all except when I stay in the area after work to do something and then it seems to take forever.

Some days I’m on remote control and get to a certain point in my drive and wonder how I got there but most days I’m fully aware and actually enjoying the drive. On those days I see so much. Amazing, breathtaking views of the various mountain ranges that surround me, public art that makes me smile, car vanity plates that I try to decipher, and people all around me in their cars, at bus stops, on bikes and walking on the street. I especially love to catch someone in my rearview mirror belting out a song with their windows up.  That’s when I have to laugh because I now know what I look like when doing the same and am thankful for dark tinted windows!

I’m actually thankful for my commute even though it would be a real gas saver to live closer to work. But then I’d miss so much!

30 Days of Thanks - Day 20

Nov 20 – Day 20

After work tonight I hit the grocery store to get a few last minute things for Thanksgiving dinner and you know what? I love grocery stores. Yes, yes I do. I get lost in them – not actually “lost” as in directionally but lost in the sense that I like to walk around and look at things, look at people and I usually end up forgetting that I was ever in a hurry.

Ever been in a grocery store in a different region of the country or in a completely different country? I love going to Mexican and Asian markets and checking out the meats and produce. We’ve got some great ones here in Tucson – Lee Lee’s Oriental Supermarket, Grantstone, Food City, El Super, 17^th Street Market.  I love going to the grocery store when we go to Puerto Peñasco too. I haven’t been lucky enough to travel to any foreign countries but Mexico; so my all-time favorite grocery store is in Playa del Carmen in the state of Quintana Roo, Mexico.  Amazing place full of fantastic things!

So while many of you absolutely hate your trips to the grocery store, I’m the one going from one side to the other and back again as I realize I forgot something and then get sidetracked by the organic produce while suddenly remembering that all the summer stuff is on sale in the center of the store. I’m thankful for grocery stores and that it takes very little to entertain me.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 19

Nov 19 – Day 19

My employer gives every single employee (all 3,300 or so) a certificate for a free turkey up to 20 lbs. I’m really thankful and think it’s a beautiful and meaningful gesture to show appreciation and thanks. We always order them out of my department and we make sure to order extras for the random employee who didn’t get one, who started working there after we pulled the HR list, temporary workers or travelers not on the HR list, etc. We wait a couple of weeks after the certificates and thank you letters are distributed and then any remaining turkey certificates are donated to a local charity like the Community Food Bank or the Salvation Army.

I took care of making that donation today on behalf of my employer. The main office for the Salvation Army is just a few miles from my hospital so I headed over there during my lunch this afternoon. The office was busy and a couple of employees were scurrying around. I noticed a grocery cart with a frozen turkey in it sitting by the desk. I can only assume someone had just dropped it off. It felt really good handing all those certificates over and knowing that they’ll be used to feed people who gather for a multitude of reasons. Some are down on their luck and can’t quite afford to feed their family, some are homeless, and some are lonely and without a family of their own.

I’m thankful not only for the gift my employer gives and the difference made by donating the remaining certificates but for the fact that organizations like the Salvation Army exist and open their doors and hearts to those in need.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 18

Nov 18 – Day 18

I’m thankful for the next day.  Lasagna is always better the next day as the flavors meld and intensify. Turkey is better the next day because we make turkey sandwiches. That awful situation typically seems better or manageable the next day. That fuzzy memory from the party the night before is often better the next day whether it means you remembered it better or forgot it completely thus never having to feel the embarrassment!

The next day holds so much promise. It’s a do-over, an instant mulligan. I like my tomorrows, my next days.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 17

Nov 17 – Day 17

 My mom has always been a big reader, reading a new book every couple of days. When I was a child, we went to the public library every two weeks. We’d walk out of there with a huge stack of books, mostly my mom’s. She was known for getting up at 2AM and reading for a good hour or two as well as in the evening while we all sat in the living room watching TV. She could ignore the noise from the TV as we sat together on the couch; she involved in the story unfolding on the pages, the rest of us completely engrossed in Hawaii Five-O (original TV series). She instilled the love of reading in me and I’m happy to say my son has that same love of reading.

There’s something to be said for a good story. It takes you away from your everyday life and transports you to a different time and place. 

I was thinking about a few items to put on a Christmas list for myself and a Kindle is one of them. That got me to thinking about whether or not I would miss the actual physical book but it’s not the paper and turning the pages that makes reading so enjoyable, it’s the different life I lead as I insert myself in to the story. I’m thankful for books and everything they bring us. Paper or e-book, it still does the job.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 16

Nov 16 – Day 16

I’m thankful for the mistakes I’ve made in my life for they’ve taught me to think, react and live differently. But it’s hard to actually say they are mistakes because I’ve always considered them lessons. I have always said I regret nothing in my life and it’s true. Every single thing I’ve done, thought and experienced has shaped and molded me to become the person I am today. And I am an ever-evolving being.

I will make many more “mistakes” in my life as long as I am a breathing, functioning person.  It’s a forgiving world we live in because we’re really all the same deep down and make those mistakes every second of every day.

“The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding and love.” – Jennifer Edwards

30 Days of Thanks - Day 15

Nov 15 – Day 15

My formative years occurred in the 70s and like any teenager, music played a huge part in my life. That carefree life my friends and I lived brings back some great memories as well as a few, well, smoke-hazed ones as well. Hey, it was the 70s!

My first concert was to see KISS in 1975 and while I wasn’t the biggest fan of the group, it sure gave me the concert bug.  We saw Van Halen before they were big at a club in Hollywood, Lynyrd Skynyrd at a stadium event just before that awful plane crash, Aerosmith in their heyday, Alice Cooper in all his black-eyed fun, Led Zeppelin and many, many more.

My tastes have changed over the years but I still love rock. I’m thankful for those early formative music years and the availability/affordability of the concert venue back then. What a blast!

30 Days of Thanks - Day 14

Nov 14 - Day 14

You are doing it RIGHT now. You do it all day long, there is no avoiding it. Reading. It’s in your face constantly…a street sign, your mail, a saying on someone’s t-shirt as they walk by, a recipe, product directions, an alert or warning scrolling across the bottom of your television screen.

I went to a Literacy Connects luncheon today that was organized by Literacy Volunteers of Tucson. A room of 500 people and I’m willing to bet the majority of us in the room take the ability to read and write for granted. It never crosses my mind at all. Until today when a brave man about 50 years old got up to address the room. He struggled horribly as a kid and didn’t get help from his mom (later learned she was illiterate as well). The system failed him and he was passed on from grade to grade finally becoming so frustrated that he dropped out of high school. He worked odd jobs and somehow made his way to a decent job but was laid off after almost a decade of working there. And then he couldn’t get a job again. Everyone required a GED and this man couldn’t even read or write. After years of shame he found this organization and the compassion & help he so desperately needed. He can now read and write, is gainfully employed and sits on the board of directors for Literacy Volunteers of Tucson.

Can you even imagine? I am so thankful that I can read, write and comprehend.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 13

Nov 13 – Day 13

Met a friend for dinner and drinks at Ra last night. Good conversation, laughter and catching up. I haven’t quite tackled going out to eat on my own yet and I’ve been craving some good sushi so when she suggested our meeting location I was pleased.

When I was a kid in the late 60s and early 70s I used to go to dinner with my parents in Little Tokyo, a Japanese district in Los Angeles. There was a favorite restaurant we usually went to but on occasion we’d try something different. My dad (an adventurous soul) ate a variety of sushi and other “foreign” dishes at those places while my childish taste was geared more towards the tempura.

Japanese beer, nigiri, rolls, sashimi, tuna tataki with a healthy dose of wasabi. It’s a simple bit of gratitude today but sushi makes me happy and actually makes me think of those days in Little Tokyo  and I’m thankful for the delicious flavors and heartwarming memories. 

30 Days of Thanks - Day 12

Nov 12 – Day 12

I actually agonized over the decision to buy a new car so when some random guy pulled out of a parking lot lane at the Tucson Mall and right in to my car as I drove the interior road it was awful. I wasn’t hurt or anything and the damage to my car wasn’t so bad that I couldn’t drive it. But I’d been hit before and it turned out the person’s insurance information was invalid. The lady had defaulted and had been cancelled a couple of months prior to hitting me. Any attempts to reach her failed. So when the 911 operator told me that this recent accident was on private property and the police won’t come out and we should just exchange insurance information I was worried.

Luckily he had insurance and it was valid. He was an out of state driver with out of state insurance (Colorado) so it took a while for his insurance company to contact him and verify his actual place of residence but it all worked out. I’m dropping my car off at a body shop to get fixed today and will be in a rental for a few days all compliments of HIS insurance company.

Today I am thankful for insurance, valid insurance. And health insurance because I have to make my health insurance selections as my open enrollment period ends tonight at midnight!!

30 Days of Thanks - Day 11

Nov 11 – Day 11

It’s so easy to do and we’re all guilty. We forget about the sacrifices by millions of brave individuals that were made to give us the lives we lead.  I’m extremely grateful to live in this country. I know blood was spilled, lives were given and battles were fought to make sure the freedoms, rights and privileges we enjoy in our every day lives will always be there.

On this Veterans Day I am thankful for the men and women who serve our country.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 10

Nov 10 – Day 10

As the weather starts turning colder and gloomier it makes me think of the welcoming warmth that awaits me on the beach in Mexico.  I’m so glad I only live a three and a half hour drive from Puerto Penasco.

I always have the best time whether it’s with family, a couple of girlfriends or a larger group of friends & family. We always rent a place on the beach so all we have to do is open the sliding glass door and step in to the sand. I’ve enjoyed quiet reflective times, celebrations, bonding and a little bit of craziness – sometimes all in the same trip!

I’m thankful that I have friends and family that are still willing to make the trek and enjoy the sun, sand, warm water and people just a few miles south of the border. 

30 Days of Thanks - Day 9

Nov 9 – Day 9

I feel so lucky to have three amazing children in my life who have given me so many years of joy. There were plenty of ups and downs in raising three strong-willed and spirited individuals but I can’t even imagine a life without them. However this little note of appreciation and thanks is to my middle child, my daughter Alison on this day, her birthday.

I’m incredibly thankful for the relationship I have with her. We talk daily, when work isn’t crazy we have lunch together most of the time and share so many of the same opinions and preferences. She was a real challenge as a teen and so independent. She left our home on good terms at 18 to live on her own and never looked back. She is very successful in her job and heavily relied upon by others. 

Alison was once in a very serious car accident that resulted in her being wheel-chair bound for a few months and I’ll never forget arriving in the emergency room after hearing news of her accident and being approached by the hospital chaplain who wanted to bring me to a private room to talk to me. I thought I was about to experience every parent’s worst nightmare and I felt all the blood drain from my face and my body grow weak. My emotions quickly recovered as she explained that Alison, while her trauma was very serious and she was going in to surgery, she’d be OK. For that brief instant when I thought the worst, I thought our lives were forever changed and they actually were. We all realized how precious life is and that we need to make sure our loved ones know just how loved they are.

So on your birthday Alison, I want you to know how much I love you and how lucky I feel to have you in my life. I am truly thankful for YOU.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 8

Day 8 - Nov 8

Thankful may not be the right word and I struggle to find an appropriate one.

But because of the tragedy on January 8, 2011 my community was rocked to its core and I'm reminded of this today because the shooter was in Tucson for sentencing. However we as a people rallied and became stronger, kinder and more resilient than ever. We were not going to let the actions of one crazy individual become what Tucson represents. We stood together on street corners in solidarity, we layed flowers, candles, cards, medals and much more at the shooting site and hospital where the survivors were recovering. We cried, we hugged and we grieved. And then we started healing.

A beautiful thing was born out of this tragedy. People changed, foundations were formed, events were held, life moved forward with a new awareness and appreciation for each other. I wish that day had never happened but it did. And we’ve learned from it and become better human beings because of it. That’s the part I’m thankful for.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 7

Day 7 – Nov 7

I know it’s not representative of all Republicans, at least I hope it’s not, but after reading the posts from so many Romney supporters/Obama haters it sure becomes clear that there is probably a gentler, kinder party and an ugly, hateful party. Frankly, I’m a little shocked at some of the comments and remarks. 

I was personally worried and nervous my preferred candidate (Obama) wouldn’t win and we’d be under the leadership of Romney and his archaic agenda but I also know that if that had happened I wouldn’t  be making hateful, ridiculous and unfounded comments or racial slurs. Granted, I wouldn’t have congratulated anyone but I know in my heart that I would have found a way to look forward with a positive attitude and work towards a better America and the common good. Maybe it’s the state of the world today but it troubles me deeply that people can be so negative, hateful, disrespectful and bigoted. What a rude and uncaring world we live in.

I’m not a blind optimist and I know there is work to be done but I’m thankful to be able to move past the ugly attitudes and am prouder than ever to be part of a kinder, gentler nation. I’m thankful it’s a new day and that hope lives on.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 6

Day 6 - Nov 6

I’m so thankful to live in a nation where I have the freedom to vote and have my voice heard. (Yes, I know about the Electoral College) My forefathers and mothers gave me this right and I take it pretty seriously.

I was raised to understand that voting is not a privilege, it is a right. I can remember casting my first vote in a presidential election in 1978. I was almost 19, newly married and incredibly proud to vote for the very first time and having that first time be in a presidential election made it all the more special.

At the end of this day, the results will be in and the awful political ads will finally be put to rest. I’m hopeful that those who lived and breathed this election and put way too much energy in to hate and lies (this goes for people I know representing BOTH parties) focusing on little else will be able to get past it should their candidate lose. After all, both Obama and Romney want the best for our country and will work to further the American Dream one way or another.

I’m thankful I have the right to vote.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 5

Nov 5 – Day 5

For almost every day, Monday through Friday, for the past 15 years I’ve made my employment “home” at Tucson Medical Center. I have been fortunate enough to work with some truly wonderful people over the years with just a small sprinkling of not so great. But hey, what’s the sunshine without some rain, right? TMC is a community hospital, non-profit and here to improve the lives of my fellow citizens.

The physical face of this long-time institution is changing and the overall philosophies and leadership evolves with the ever changing times but the constant is the employees. People really care about one another and I’m thankful for that. 3,000 employees and a sense of community exists throughout. That doesn’t always happen with large companies or organizations but it lives at Tucson Medical Center. I’m thankful I am part of such a place.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 4

Nov 4 – Day 4

Tucson.  My hometown. I was born in Downey, California – raised in El Monte, California – lived in multiple cities (Monrovia, Paramount, South Gate and Downey – all Los Angeles suburbs) but consider Tucson, Arizona my hometown. I feel a deep connection to this gorgeous desert town that is so rich in history and culture.

A beautiful piece of that culture will be evident tonight at the All Souls Procession. The yearly parade that draws thousands takes place downtown where people fill the streets and walk the procession route to honor those in our lives that have passed. People in all their Dia de los Muertos finery and make up, some holding candles and mini alters, some playing musical instruments, some dancing, some with elaborate floats. An event for all ages where everyone is respectful and happy.  If you’ve never participated, you really should. You’ll be hooked. The sense of love, joy, respect and community is good for the soul. The procession is tonight and my family and I will be there. We’ll be the ones wearing Day of the Dead make up and carrying alters – we’ll be easy to spot. NOT.

I’m thankful for my Tucson and the beauty in this community.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 3

Nov 3 – Day 3

A few years ago I was asked by a friend to join her networking group and I managed to dodge her requests. A networking group? Ugh, that’s just not me.  I finally relented when she asked me to attend an evening membership drive party. Again, I wasn’t really interested but she promised it would be fun – a cocktail or two, some tasty finger foods and some really nice people.  I walked away from that little party with a whole new attitude and a membership application in my purse.

This wonderful group…my friends… the Beta Group… they’ve all become a treasure of immeasurable worth for me.  I was just barely in to my year of leading this group as president when Al was diagnosed and gone all within a month and a half. The love and support  I was shown was amazing.  Special considerations were made and the vice president stepped in as president.  They allowed me to come back when I was ready a few months later and serve out the rest of the year as a second term vice president. When the following year came I was able to fulfill my original duty as president. It was all so out of the ordinary and outside of any bylaws but these wonderful people made exceptions and made sure I knew they were there for me.

I’m joining members of the Beta Group today for a fun-filled special event and really looking forward to it. I’m thankful for my Betas, not only for the camaraderie and business contacts but for the love, support and human kindness that lives within them all.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 2

Nov 2 – Day 2


I’m thankful for friends; friends that can be counted on and would never steer you wrong. Brian Bradley is one of those friends. Brian has been in my life for over 30 years and has been an integral part of my life. My husband’s best friend and everyone’s favorite uncle. Brian was just a kid when we met him (heck, so was I). Al hired him when we came out to Tucson to help open a restaurant with another friend. A fast friendship developed between Al and Brian and continued on for many years through thick and thin, through good times and bad, through times of elation and joy as well as times of extreme sorrow and sadness.

Among other things, Brian has always made sure my family is well taken care of when it comes to vehicles. He has been in the car business forever and has always made sure we were given the best deals when it comes to vehicle repairs and purchasing new/used cars and trucks. So when my Avalon finally saw its last day, with Brian’s guidance and assistance I purchased a new car. I’m really not sure I could have done it without him. He paved the way for me and his salesmen would never take advantage of me because of the respect they have for Brian. I was reminded of this again today when I took my car to the body shop he recommended. He put me in touch with the owner, a personal friend of his and I know that I will be completely taken care of and treated fairly and respectfully. With Al gone, car stuff is scary for me and Brian makes it not so scary. There are a million other things I’m thankful for when it comes to Brian but this is the easiest to mention and least sappy of them all.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 1

So I see everyone jumping on the 30 days of thankful thing and I decided to hop on. If anything, it will remind me of all I have in my life and remind me to be appreciative of even the smallest things. Because to be honest, we all forget, we all get busy, we all get bogged down in our daily lives. So here begins my little journey of thanks.



Nov 1 – Day 1

I’m thankful I have consistent internet service once again. It may sound trivial but I’ve gone through months of intermittent service. It played havoc with me trying to work on my home business and I felt completely disconnected. I don’t have a smart phone, just a little work flip phone so I truly was living in a black hole when I was away from my office. Call me cheap but the truth is I can’t add an extra $50-$75 to my list of monthly bills. So after no resolution after months of going through the proper channels I finally wrote a nice long email to we_can_help@cable.comcast.com asking for resolution or for them to pay for me to get set up with Direct TV. Amazingly, they jumped on it and put me in touch with a local supervisor who worked diligently for over a month to get to the root of the problem. And he did. And I’m once again very happy with Comcast. So to you Dan the Comcast supervisor; I’m thankful to you for stepping up and working to solve a long-time customer’s service problem.

Flooded Floors and Carrot Cake

I took today off. It’s kind of a weird day for me – today is Al’s birthday. It just doesn’t feel right to be at work and just ignore what was always a day of some significance. Al was one who liked to celebrate his birthday and let others know that it’s all about him. How many times would we hear him jokingly sing “Happy birthday to me” when he’d ask someone to do something for him?  And it wouldn’t matter how we celebrated his birthday, he really just wanted those few minutes when the kids would come over to wish him a happy birthday. We’d turn out all the lights, light the candles on the cake and gather around him to sing happy birthday while he’d grin like a little kid. Gifts were never important; it was the fact that his grown children still took the time to come see him. And the words handwritten in the birthday cards, those were the things he relished the most.

When I woke this morning I closed my eyes for a moment as I imagined his face and wished him a happy birthday. Things went a little, well, strangely from there. I walked out in to the backyard and all of a sudden it started raining. It’s been sunny and warm but today of all days it rains. Yeah, yeah, the weatherman probably predicted it but it rained TODAY.  I made coffee and settled down in a chair to watch the morning news and get online. No internet. Of course. Comcast thought they’d finally figured everything out and after replacing everything they could possibly replace; my internet service appeared to be working consistently after months of extremely spotty service.

**About my internet service - I’ve been working with a local supervisor for months and have had at least 10 or 11 different technicians in my home doing work to solve my outage problems. The thing is, when they run diagnostics on other Comcast customer’s internet service that surrounds me, no one else has fluctuating service or outages. They’ll replace a cable or two inside or outside and everything is fine for a few days and then it goes out. They’ll try different modems and all is good for a couple of days and then it goes out. Several technicians have said it’s a strange electrical problem where there seems to be a lot of feedback or something. However nothing fails but the internet. And there has been no significant electrical “happening” taking place in my home that could cause this except one. My husband’s death and spiritual presence.

Ok, back to today. It’s raining. My internet is out. All morning long my cable has been losing its signal in 15-30 second intervals. Just a gray, snowy picture on all channels. Even with all the internet problems I’ve had going on, this NEVER happens.

And then the pièce de résistance...I started a load of clothes and began doing a few random things around the house before heading out to lunch with my daughters. The next thing I know there is water coming out from under the laundry room door. Yep, my washing machine drain backed up and was spilling out all over the floor.

Hello Al, happy birthday to you! Just like you to do a little turning of the screw today. Think I’ll have a little carrot cake tonight just for you. Ha! Gotcha back. I love you.

Kenwood, Pioneer....New Life and a Cleaner Carport

My doorbell rang this afternoon and I opened the door to a young man inquiring about the stereo equipment I have sitting piled up in a corner of my carport. He said he has some equipment in his dorm room but needed some piece and asked if I’d sell that particular unit to him. I walked outside with him and looked at it all. These were Al’s things, stuff we bought years ago. Things I have no understanding of. Stacked components? Tuners? Subwoofers? All I know is they haven’t been used in years and they are (or were) quality pieces of electronics. Al loved music and loved to turn it up loud and he bought the best.

But over the years as certain pieces failed and needed parts replaced we’d just set the equipment aside as other interests took over. Sometime after Al passed I loaded all the equipment and stacked it in the family room eventually moving it out to the carport. My plan was to list it on Craigslist and sell it – hell, I figured I could use the money. But I needed to do research to figure out what I actually had and what to charge so there it sat.

So when this young man appeared at my door this afternoon I knew it was right to just offer it to him. I told him that if he was interested he could take all of it for free, not just the one piece he needed. He looked at me somewhat disbelievingly. I told him I had no use for it anymore and didn't even know if it was usable. He said he can rebuild things and definitely use parts from all of it. I asked again if he wanted to have it all. He said absolutely, that he just needed to get his friend to help him cart it away.

As much as Al loved that stuff and took pride in it, I know he would have loved to see that young man’s face when I told him he could have it all. It’s kind of weird letting go of those items since I associate my husband with them but it feels good too. Kind of like breathing new life in to something old. And just a little bit of a smile spread across my face.

Incredulous

Definition of INCREDULOUS

1

: unwilling to admit or accept what is offered as true : notcredulous : skeptical

It’s exactly how I felt on Sunday. I was milling about my house doing the usual mundane weekend tasks. While doing laundry and hanging up my clothes I realized my closet needed a little rearranging. I gathered up a bunch of shirts I rarely wear and took them to the spare bedroom to hang in the closet. As I hooked the hangers on the rod my hand brushed against the other clothes hanging there. Al’s clothes. Looking down, there are his shoes. It’s weird, I imagine his feet in those shoes and then I see him clearly in my mind wearing that shirt, those sandals. Turning away and out of the room I close the door behind me. Then that incredulous feeling creeps up. I still find it absolutely unbelievable that he’s gone.  It’s odd, the feeling isn’t one of sadness but more an incredulous feeling.

Those of you who’ve lost someone so completely bonded to you like a spouse, a best friend, even a child…don’t you find it unbelievable that the person who is supposed to be there with you is gone? Even two years later? Even when your daily life makes you face it, makes you stare in to the emptiness, suck it up and move forward? Do you look at a subtle or in your face reminder at times and say to yourself, “I can’t believe he’s gone, that he’s never, ever going to say my name again? That I will live the rest of my life without him?”

I know the truth. I’m a realistic person. I don’t wallow in sadness, dwell in the past or spend my evenings feeling melancholy. I guess someday I’ll look back and think how silly these feelings are. But for now I think I just need a little validation that others feel this. Someone tell me this is normal or at the very least, not completely peculiar.