Not trying to be Debbie Downer or anything but it’s still hard. I put up the indoor Christmas decorations yesterday. He loved when I’d decorate “his room”, running garland with white lights and little red ornaments all around the wall unit. As I wound it around the side and near the shelf that holds his urn & keepsake from the memorial service I laughed as I remembered his smile as the decorations slowly went up. Doing this yesterday felt good and familiar.
I’ve had four days off from work and have accomplished very little. I think when I have a little too much down time, I get to feeling a bit melancholy. I guess that’s normal though. I should be relishing this rare weekend with little to no commitments and accomplishing so much here at home but it’s not happening. Instead of doing the cleaning and yard work that needs to be done, I find myself sitting around, reading, watching TV and feeling a tiny bit lonely. I think up to this point I haven’t really felt lonely, just alone. It has nothing to do with my kids or my friends, it’s deeper than that. I love my family dearly and am so lucky to have them but thankfully they all have independent and happy lives. We did something right with them, didn’t we?
I don’t think I’m quite ready to let go of him and may not be for a long time. For the most part I live a happy, positive and busy life and I appreciate all that I have. But I’m feeling a little dark right now. It’ll pass. It always does.
He seems to know when I need him most. We had a recent medical scare where for no apparent reason my pregnant daughter suddenly had some stroke-like (TIA) memory problems that were alarming enough to have her go to the local emergency room to get checked out neurologically. When she told me what was going on with her it felt like I was kicked in the chest. I was scared and worried. I went to her house to watch my granddaughter so she and her husband could go to the hospital. It was late and after a full day of work so I ended up falling asleep on their couch. Something woke me and I picked up my phone to check the time and it was 11:11pm. I smiled because I knew in that moment that she was fine. He was letting me know. And she is fine. They got home around 2AM and reported that the neurologist and tests revealed no medical issues.
Then on Friday after an exhausting Thanksgiving at my house, I was vegging out. I had gotten up early thanks to my dogs and was dozing off while watching TV. I decided to take a rare nap and headed to my bed. Just as I was climbing in I glanced at the bedside clock and it was 11:11am. I silently acknowledged him and lied down to sleep. When I woke up just about an hour and a half later it was from a beautiful dream. I was home and felt so much excitement because Al was coming home! In my dream I opened the front door and there he was walking up the driveway. He was wearing a white chef’s uniform, clean and sharp but over his left breast was a quilt of medals and ribbons. He looked so happy and he reached out to hug me. It was one of those hugs where you feel enveloped in love. He kissed my head and said, “Oh, how I’ve missed traveling with you!” And just like that, the dream ended as I opened my eyes.
I miss those big bear hugs but for just a moment I was lost in one and it felt real and it felt good.
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