Diminished Capacity

Funny how people who haven’t experienced it have a specific timeframe in mind when talking about grief; typically one year. Like there is some magical number of days or months that you’re given to go through your grieving period and then you should be done. Yeah, if it was only that easy.

The one-year anniversary of Al’s passing is coming on March 13. Someone actually said something to me along the lines of the year being up and that it's time to basically, move on. I can’t remember the exact words right now because to be honest I was dumbstruck when they came out of this person’s mouth. That feeling quickly turned to anger but anger isn’t an emotion I choose to hang on to so I had to think about what I knew or didn’t know about death and grief before I lost Al.

What this person doesn’t know and I didn’t know until now is that there is no timeline for grief. Through grief counseling I've learned that while many think the “five stages of grief” is gospel, it isn’t. People often skip steps or never experience some of them. One person’s experience is 180 degrees from another person’s. Many, if not most of us, operate at diminished capacity for the first two years. Our brains simply don’t function in the same way. We’re going to have bad days, it’s a given. I myself typically hold it all together almost every single day. It’s not that I want to appear strong, it’s that if I let go for a minute I’m scared I won’t get it back.

I’m thankful for my support system and those that are helping me through this from my children, extended family, friends and coworkers. I’m glad they all seem to understand that this process takes its own sweet time and that they are patient with me.

So to that person who naively and I hope innocently decided that enough time had lapsed, that I should be done with this process, I can only say that I hope you never have to experience the ache I feel in my heart.