365 Days of Firsts

The year of firsts is done and gone. This first year without Al at times felt like a decade. It’s been a year filled with so many emotions ranging from pain, fear and hopeLESSness to wonder, confidence and hopeFULness.

I made it through this year of firsts. The first night sleeping in our bed without him, the first Father’s Day king crab leg dinner without him, hearing the first sound of the summer cicadas without him, taking the first trip to Hatch for green chiles without him, picking out the first Christmas tree without him, sitting down for a family dinner for the first time without him….

As those firsts have all ticked down I feel him slowly slipping away from me. I know this is normal and the way it’s supposed to be but it doesn’t make it any easier. Sometimes I look at the pictures on my dresser and see his smiling face and think to myself that he’s just on vacation. He went to see his dad in California, he’s on his annual golf trip with his high school buddies, he went on a Toyota trip with Brian. It gives me an instant of happiness that feels warm in my heart before the reality hits and I remind myself that he’s never coming back.

I observed the passing of this first year with a trip to the beach in Mexico. It’s the place we relaxed and enjoyed together and one of the places I feel closest to him. I really wanted the trip to be with me and my kids. My son Marshall couldn’t make it since he had just gone back to work after a three month paternity leave so it was just me and my two daughters, Alison & Lesley. It was a beautiful weekend filled with warmth, sunshine and relaxation. That’s not to say there wasn’t some sadness too. The toughest time for me was watching a couple that reminded me of Al & I as they enjoyed a meal at Flavio’s, affectionately touching each other as they laughed and joked on the patio with the sun setting behind them. That 50-something couple should have been me and Al and the sadness rose up within me. But I tried hard not to let those kinds of feelings mar the weekend and really tried to enjoy the time with my daughters. We spent Sunday, March 13 in a way Al would have liked. We started off by going to Cholla Bay, we then hit JJs, spent the day on the beach and ended with a great dinner up on the hill overlooking the town on one side and the malecon/playa on the other. It was there that the three of us toasted him and told him we loved him.

I know I have to start rebuilding, adjusting and spend time figuring out what my new normal is. And I am. I have my setbacks but for the most part I am starting to move on. Time goes on, life is forever changing and the pain is slowly lessening. They say time heals all wounds but I don’t think that’s true. Time doesn’t HEAL the wound, it gives us an opportunity to experience things that help us learn how to live with the ache in our hearts that never really goes away. The ache isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It reminds us of how deeply we loved.