Loud & Clear

Today would have been my husband’s 63rd birthday. Well, actually it’s not “would have been”, it is his 63rd birthday. Because regardless of the fact that he’s no longer on this earth as a living, breathing human being – October 11 is and always will be the date on which he was born.

I’m still not sure what I’m supposed to feel and do on this date. Birthdays in our house are always celebrated so it feels odd here tonight. Maybe I should have made chile rellenos. Maybe I should have made a cake.

I took the day off today and did something I’ve wanted to do for a very long time but was afraid to do until recently and that is to see a psychic medium. I guess I was always afraid of someone telling me what my future holds but that fear no longer exists. I want to know what path my life will follow or perhaps get a little glimpse in to what awaits me.

For the most part today’s experience was good. I went with my two daughters and the connection was there for me. Al came through. It’s still a little bit of a blur and I know that as these next few days unfold and I am able to go through everything she said, I’ll remember more of those connections but right now, this is what I remember. She told us that Al is with us every day but we don’t get the signs we used to get as frequently. She said he is in a different place than he was one year ago and different than he was three months ago. As they move through their journey, they get “cleaner” and the need to show the signs lessens.

She ("A"….much easier than typing out her unusual name) first told me that he felt no pain with his passing. That towards the end he stood outside of his body as he was slowly slipping away during those last few hours. A said he was showing her how he pulled himself out of his mortal body and his foot got stuck in his body’s armpit and that he was tethered by something not unlike an umbilical cord and was tugging at it and joking around with it. She laughed and said he was a great sense of humor and likes to laugh. Al was known for his sick sense of humor and dumb jokes. I worried that he was in pain during that last 24 hours and felt the ache of regret that there were no real words or jokes between us at the end. But now I see, now I know….they were there, I just didn’t hear or see them.

She then said that he’s with Christ. But then she said Al wanted me to know that he’s also with Buddha…and Ghandi…and others. That it’s a spiritual world but not defined by one faith. He wanted me to know that he is in a good place and there is nothing to fear. Al and I had many talks about faith and spirituality and he knew my beliefs. He threw in the Buddha/Ghandi/and others for me because he knew I needed to hear something other than Christ.

A went on to say that he sees me struggling and doesn’t want me to hurt any more and to find happiness with another man. In fact, there has been interest from a man but I’m not open to that at this point in time. Al said he wants me to find happiness and love again. The love that awaits me will be different than what we shared but it will be just as special. A said Al says to find someone to love but then joked that he should have money this time. Al knows I have a huge heart and that there is room for another love and that I shouldn’t feel guilty or that I’m betraying him. A went on to say that someone here on earth isn’t ready for me to date but she sees it happening. In fact she said I’d marry again and it would only be a few years down the road. Again he joked that when I find someone, I shouldn’t get down to business on the couch because he’ll be sitting in there. This has been an internal struggle for me lately. I won't say I'm ready to start dating but I've been worrying about what Al will think when I do start. I've been feeling guilty for even thinking about it. It's almost been feeling like a betrayal. To be very honest, I had hoped to get some kind of message from Al about moving forward and how to know when the time would be right to even take my wedding ring off. This has been something that keeps me awake at night, makes me sick to my stomach and makes me cry. I've lived a faithful life and was a dutiful, loving wife so how on earth could I possibly think about meeting another man, much less getting married again. I was sure that Al would be watching me and feel crushed that I've moved on and was forgetting him. And now I know that it's what he wants.

Finally Al said to her that I was his angel, his angel on earth. A mentioned his sense of humor again and that he really liked to joke. She then said Al was telling her he was an asshole too. A said she doesn’t ever cuss but Al was very strong with the need to say that he was an asshole. A few years ago when Al was struggling with some issues and was in the depths of depression he told me in those exact words that I was his angel, his angel on earth. He not only told me but he told anyone who would listen. And he used those words. And then there’s the asshole part. My husband…either you loved him or you hated him. And he was an asshole like no other. He actually took pride in the fact that he was an ass. I told him on a million different occasions that he was an asshole but he was my asshole. He loved that I would say that and used to tell his friends and coworkers that I would say that.

She asked if his death was sudden or a result of an illness and I told her it was an illness. She sensed a smell and said we may smell it at times too. It’s that smell when people drink too much. Not a clear “alcohol” smell but rather the smell that comes from inside when someone drinks too much. She told us he was an alcoholic and she sensed that he died of cirrhosis of the liver. She said something about his insides being mushy. It took a while after Al’s death for me to admit even to myself that my husband was an alcoholic. I never saw it during his life, I just knew him as the guy who always had a beer in his hand. He didn’t drink hard alcohol and he wasn’t a drunk. But I see now that he was a functioning alcoholic. Something I remember vividly is when he was admitted to the hospital the last time and they were wheeling him out of the ER to have some tests done, a foul smell like I’d never smelled before was coming from deep within him. With each breath he exhaled I could smell it. It was almost like a rotting smell, like his insides were decaying. Deep down within me I knew there was something terribly wrong from that smell. He did in fact die from cirrhosis.

Al told A that I should go to school but not for “serious” classes. Maybe photography or writing. Then Al told her I like to write and should go to Pima and take a creative writing class. Well, damn. Look at me. I write this blog as a tool to help me clear my head but the truth is I love writing. I like to chronicle things in words and pictures. Uh, hello? Facebook much? I have never given any thought to taking a class but now I will consider it. Writing makes me happy and maybe taking a class will put me on a path I didn’t expect until today. After all, Al sees it. He told A about it. My life will go on and there is someone out there for me. I just need to open myself to it.

So no cake, no special meal. Tonight I poured a shot of our favorite tequila, I sang Happy Birthday out loud and I toasted you. Thank you for everything you ever gave me, thank you for our children, thank you for my life. I will honor you and watch for you in little ways no one else might see and I know you’ll always be with me. And I’ll open my heart just a little wider to let possibility in but never let you slip from it.

Salud!