I keep forgetting to write about the good things. The things that make me laugh and the everyday weird encounters. I need to start doing that. But right now my head is full of random stuff because for the past week I’ve been filled with incredible stress and I don’t know why I’m letting so many things bother me. Even more so the past couple of days to the point where I’m actually breaking out. I’m fucking 51 years old and I’m breaking out. Nice.

Some of my stressors are ridiculous and minute. Some are real and a great internal struggle is going on deep within me. My daughter Lesley made a suggestion to help me with my stressors that in another life would be insignificant but in this life right now, right here – they are enough to cause me some grief.

(I can’t tell you how foreign it is for me to be saying these things when my motto has always been more along the lines of Hakuna Matata. In other words, why worry? What good does it do in the long run?) She wants me to write down the things that are stressing me out and post them where I can see them. Then as they come to me, write down under each one little things I can do to change what is stressing me out. So simple!

So here goes. I share this beginning list with you so that I may see how ridiculous it is that I am stressing over these things. Then I’m going to go out and buy a white board and start my “in your face” list.
I’m stressed over:
My front yard. The weeds are ridiculous. Monsoon rains bring with it an incredible amount of weeds if you don’t nip them in the bud. This was something Al always took care of. If he didn’t do it himself, he’d hire someone to do it. Well….he’s not here anymore and the truth is I just don’t have the money to hire someone to clean up my yard. I get home from work late in the evening and am typically busy/gone a good portion of my weekends so it doesn’t get done. I wasn’t feeling too terrible about it when I left my house last Saturday since my next door neighbor’s yard looked similar. I was gone all day and night. When I woke up on Sunday morning and walked outside to get the paper I noticed that my neighbor had done his whole yard on Saturday. Great. Now the pressure is on, at least in my own mind because it looks like my house is abandoned!
My fix? Go out every day that I have a few minutes of daylight and pull a few weeds. Even if I only tackle a 1 foot square patch at a time. It’s something!
My electric bill. I signed up for a budget plan where the electric company looks at my usage from a year ago and bills me the same amount every month based on my overall year’s usage. Fine and dandy. I pay a little over my monthly bill every month. Well I just happened to really review my bill the other day and realized that I have a deficit balance. A $580 deficit!!! What the hell. My trouble is that I turn the A/C off when I leave the house in the morning and leave the dogs with access to go in and out all day. When I get home the house is about 95 degrees so I close the house up and turn the A/C on. The system works hard to get my house to a comfortable temperature, usually around 10:30 or 11PM at night. Then it runs all night and I start the same process over the next day.
My fix? I need to realize that my deficit balance will slowly decrease as the weather cools down and I no longer use my A/C. I also need to find a way to get a dog door installed in my sliding glass door panel. Then I can leave the A/C on at 80 or so during the day and the dogs will still have access to go outside but my system won’t work as hard to cool down at night.

So those are just two little stressors. I need to get that white board and start working on changing things or at least showing myself a way to slowly change things.

Now those deep, dark internal struggles I spoke of? I don’t even know where to start with those. I’m so conflicted and confused. My exterior self appears happy and upbeat and for the most part, it’s a true reflection of myself. But then there are those days when it’s all a lie. And that lie is keeping me awake at night. I need some answers and guidance from afar. I know he hears me. I just need to hear him. And I’m not talking about the spiritual “him.” You know who I mean.