Molecules and Particles

Throughout my life, I’ve never been a saver. I hate clutter and have never held much sentimental value in “things.” I don’t have any toys from my childhood, handed down china or heirloom jewelry. Hell, I threw away Al’s trophies not long after we were first married. What? They were old! They weren’t exactly Olympic medals. It must have something to do with the way I was raised because my parents were the same; they didn’t hang on to “things” either. That’s not to say “things” are bad. It’s just for me, the memory is in my heart and mind not in the object. I don’t need to look at an object to remember, it’s all kept within me.

So I actually find it a little puzzling that I find it hard to let go of Al’s things. Not the large, tangible things like his golf clubs, guns, etc. It’s more like his clothes, his shoes, his stupid little diabetes testing kit, multiple pairs of eyeglasses and his cell phone. It’s not the memories these items hold either because like I said, the memories are within me, not in those “things.”

I figured it out last night when I was turning off the light switch on the wall of my bedroom. As my hand came in contact with the surface my mind was flooded with a sudden thought and feeling of Al. As I got comfortable in bed I thought about touching that light switch plate and how Al had touched that same light switch plate every day for 25 years and then it hit me.

Molecules and particles! I know it sounds crazy and unsentimental but it’s not. His molecules and his particles are all over the items I can’t seem to get rid of. Three different pair of eyeglasses all with the molecules and particles of his face, his skin and his oils. The cell phone that has his molecules and particles of his fingers, his ears, the side of his face and his mouth. Pieces of him, parts of his body that I’ll never hold again….they surround me. And those are “things” I can understand.