Living For Myself. It's The Next Thing On My List.

I feel like it’s time to turn this blog in a different direction but I’m not sure how to make that happen. I’ve been avoiding posting because for the most part, I’m not sad and looking to heal by expressing myself here.

That’s not to say I don’t GET sad. I got sad tonight…just for a moment. I had emailed the management team that handles Rickie Lee Jones to ask when she might reschedule her cancelled Tucson performance. It was a short email asking the question and also letting the team know how special she was to my family. I simply told them that her music meant a lot and that I’d often come home from work to find Al sitting on the porch in the summer waiting for me and blaring music from inside…always Rickie. I said that her music filled the hospice room for the two days he was there and that her music ushered him in to the next world. The reply I got moved me. The manager who wrote it is entering his 32nd year of marriage and expressed his sympathy and said he couldn’t even imagine experiencing such a loss. It touched me because he got personal. He didn’t have to but he related to me and let me know it. And it made me cry. Just enough where I had to wipe the tears away for a moment and then they were gone.

That’s pretty much the extent of my sadness these days. The moments are brief and they are fewer and farther between. I still plan to use this blog for memories and to help me through those times but I feel it’s time. It’s time to examine what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. Am I ready to be alone for the rest of my life? Am I ready to find a new partner to share my life with? Those are questions I need to explore. Right now I’m perfectly content with being on my own. Hell, I’ve never been on my own. I went from my parents’ house to a short couple of months living with roommates and then living and marrying Al. I kind of like having this freedom and the ability to do what I want when I want. But that’s in the here and now. I don’t know where my head will be next month or next year.

In the mean time I may experiment with what I post. I’ve been very honest with my posts up to this point but they were immersed in grief and now I’m not sure how to be so honest in my every day life. Bear with me.