Waking up to the same thing every day; the same bed, the same song playing on the same clock radio at the same time. Every day. And the next day. And the day after that. Bill Murray’s hell.
Right now that would be my heaven. The familiar, the sameness, the knowing what comes next. This single day today, this 21st of February brought with it a sad realization that it was one year ago that my sweet husband went in the hospital. He never got to come home after that. This day brought up difficult emotions that I didn't expect to feel. This anniversary was harder than experiencing things over the past year like births, holidays and special family time. This day was the anniversary of the beginning of the end. What I would give to have a day of sameness and familiarity.
What day would I choose to be my Groundhog Day? The day when we where camping out in the desert quail hunting? The day when just the two of us went to Mexico in the winter and sat on the beach all day watching the dolphins play? The day we smiled so hard our faces hurt as we watched our kids’ wide eyed amazement at Disneyland? The day we walked down the aisle to begin our life together? The day we spent sunning ourselves on the beach in the Mexican Riviera? The day we became parents and realized this was what life was all about for us? Each of the days we spent watching our children walk down the aisle to begin their futures? No, none of those days would be my Groundhog Day.
It would be a regular old Sunday spent doing what we did best. Just being us in the familiarity that makes a long time couple comfortable. I’d get up early to feed the dogs, make coffee and read the paper. Al would get up an hour or so after me and settle in to his recliner where I’d bring him a big, hot cup of coffee and the newspaper. He’d get annoyed when I brought him the paper and it was all mixed up; the Business section before the Sports section or some other nonsense so I’d fix the paper the way he liked it before bringing it to him. While a breakfast of potatoes, bacon and eggs were appreciated what he really enjoyed was when I’d make blueberry muffins. Golf on the big TV for Al, reality TV or some chick flick on the TV in the family room for me. We’d each come check on each other and talk a bit, me checking on him more that him checking on me. There’d be some afternoon snacks, something simple like salami, crackers and cheese and me doing laundry throughout the afternoon. I’d start making dinner in the evening, his favorite chile rellenos and the refried beans he taught me to make when we were first married. Then we’d spend the evening watching TV together, laughing and making fun of the contestants on The Amazing Race. Bedtime would eventually come and we’d kiss goodnight and snuggle for a bit before each turning to get comfortable, me placing my cold feet against his warm calves and we’d fall asleep.
That simple day. That’s the day I would repeat for eternity. But instead I keep waking up to realize he’s gone and I have to do this by myself. My Groundhog Day.
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