What the Funk?

It kind of hit me this morning like a slap in the face. I’ve not been feeling myself lately and didn’t really realize what was going on. My energy level is way down, my thoughts seem to be all jumbled up, I’ve become forgetful and I kinda feel like I’m just stumbling along in a little bit of a fog. In addition, I’ve had two instances over the past two weeks where I called in sick due to what seemed like a bad cold. And this from someone who rarely gets sick. Each of these things independently were annoying and a bit of a nuisance but I put them all together this morning and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m in some kind of a depressed state.

I’m a little embarrassed saying that out loud. I’ve always been the one with the positive attitude and quiet strength to get through anything. This is very foreign to me. And you know what? It’s not grief. I don’t sit and think about Al and cry over losing him. Sure I have my moments but in all honesty, I’m at peace with that chapter in my life-book. So what the hell is wrong with me?

My eyes and ears were opened today when during the regular phone calls I have with my daughters on a daily basis, I explained how I felt. They both told me they’d noticed. At first it was separate little things for them too. My always positive attitude had turned a little negative; I have been coming across a little bitchy with them lately; I forget things ALL the time, I haven’t been following through on things I say I’m going to do, and I’ve been uncharacteristically “ill” too many times recently. I think they pieced it all together at the same time I did. Plain and simple, I’m in a funk.

After work today I met up with my daughter Alison and we restarted our walking regime that was put on hold for a variety of reasons. It’s a three mile walk which gives us 45 minutes or so to talk and talk we did. I explained that I wasn’t feeling “sad” or grief stricken, in fact I felt pretty stupid feeling like this at all. Alison put it in words that made perfect sense. My life and everything I’ve ever known abruptly changed. Truer words were never spoken. My purpose…my thing…what made me, well, me…is gone. For all of my adult life I focused on my family and my husband. Everything I’ve ever done revolved around them. When my children grew up and got married, my focus turned back to my husband and living again for us. But when he died I was left to live a different life. AND I DON’T KNOW HOW.

Lately when I get home I stay home. I rush home to my dogs. I think I’ve substituted my dogs for my husband in some way. They need me. They need me to feed them. They need me to spend time with them. I fill my time mindlessly “watching” TV. I don’t get on my computer much, I’ve not been working my Scentsy business much, I don’t sleep well. I’ve built a little cocoon for myself in my family room. It’s ridiculous and I’ve got to break myself free. But how?