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Thursday, March 13, 2014

Four Years and the Love Still Shows

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that this much time has passed. As time goes by people come in and out of our lives, things change and life goes on. I work daily on moving forward and making changes in my own life and building my future. I've always been one of those odd people who really like change. Change makes us stronger, better and more appreciative of the things that came before.

Although I'm working hard on those changes there is something I hang on to that is so near and dear that I never want to lose it. Perhaps it's a bit unhealthy but it happens so in my mind, it's obviously very necessary for the both of us. That is the connection and communication I get from Al. Still. Four years later, it's still here. Not as frequent or as strong as in the beginning and I know he is moving further and further away from us all. But when it's important, he's here.

Very recently something truly upsetting happened that was painful for my immediate family. It's difficult to explain and I'm not ready to put the whole story out there. Al's son Peter, who my husband met for the first time just  hours before his death, came in to our lives and was welcomed as family. Things have a way of happening for a reason and Peter walked out of our lives just as suddenly as he entered. Just this past July he delivered a long distance slap in the face to my entire family and returned the small box of Al's ashes we gave him and told us he was severing all ties with our immediate and extended family and to not attempt to contact him. Although this was the best news we could have received for a number of reasons, it was hugely disrespectful to send those ashes back as if they were nothing.

A family member who didn't quite understand what caused the rift and uneasy feelings we had towards him recently reached out to him in an attempt to bring him back in to the fold. She was doing what felt right to her to tighten the family ties. My daughter Lesley called me last week and was very upset about a dream she had. It had been a very long time since she'd dreamt of her father and the dream that woke her that morning was awful, unsettling and caused her a great deal of anguish. She dreamt that Al was alive and :Peter was living with me and Al. Peter was drinking heavily and he and Al were having a horrible fight, yelling and screaming at each other. It was a tension filled dream and she awoke very upset. A few miles away at my house, I woke that very same morning and went down the hall towards my living room. Half way down the hall something hit me like a wall - a smell. An awful, sickly sweet smell that I immediately recognized. It was the smell from the hospital during the worst of Al's hospitalization leading to his death. It's a smell I'll never forget and it was there in my house that morning.

Later when Lesley and I spoke we talked and learned of each other's experience and the incredible timing of it all. It was that morning that Lesley learned of that family member's attempt to contact Peter. I can only make sense of it one way. I believe Al was showing his displeasure over the situation. He knows and was somehow witness to the entire Peter situation and the ugly feelings that arose from his time here. He has never shown a negative sign to any of us, ever. All signs from Al have been positive and uplifting but this was different. It was ugliness and he was using what means he has to show us that he wasn't happy either.

I can't close this post with such a negative thing. There is so much positive in my life and I'm thankful for it. Today my daughter Lesley had her very first student nurse experience in a real clinical setting with real patients. It's quite ironic that on this date, the anniversary of her father's passing in Peppi's House - the hospice at Tucson Medical Center, Lesley was assigned to Peppi's House for this experience. She was there at the exact minute he passed 4 years earlier in that same small facility. She was honored to bathe and prepare for the family, the body of a woman who had passed just moments prior.  She touched people who were actively dying just as she had laid her hands upon her father just those short years ago.


And finally, as I was leaving my house today to go to Alison's to meet her for our annual remembrance lunch I spoke to Al under my breath and said, "I guess you're not going to show me any signs today. That's OK - I love you." I climbed in my car, turned the ignition and as my dashboard lit up the time displayed was 11:11.  I smiled and said, "There you are."